[on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

[on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.

Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.

The biggest story of the year, and my anchorwoman disappears?? Dammit... get me a phone. I can't believe I'm about to do this. [...] I'd rather slit my throat.