T Thor
[First lines: Thor is thrown into Muspelheim in chains]
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Oh, no. Thor's in a cage. How did this happen?" Well, sometimes you have to get captured just to get a straight answer out of something. It's a long story, basically...I'm a bit of a hero. See, I've spent some time on Earth, fought some robots, saved the planet a couple of times. Then I went searching through the cosmos for some magic colorful Infinity Stone things...didn't find any. That's when I came across a path of death and destruction. Which led me all the way here into this cage...where I met you. [Camera shows a skeleton. Its jaw ever so conveniently falls off] How much longer do you think we'll be in here?
S Surtur
[Thor, chained up, falls and briefly hangs to see Surtur sitting in his throne]
Thor, son of Odin.
T Thor
Surtur, son of ... a bitch! You're still alive? I thought my father killed you, like....half a billion years ago.
S Surtur
I cannot die. Not until I fulfill my destiny, and lay waste to your home.
T Thor
You know, it's funny you should mention that. Because I've been having these terrible dreams of late! Asgard up in flames. Falling to ruins. And you, Surtur, are the centre of all of them.
S Surtur
Then you have seen Ragnarök: The fall of Asgard, the great prophecy–
T Thor
[Rotating away from Surtur's direction]
Hang on... Hang on... I'll be... back around shortly. You know, I really feel like we were connecting there. [Thor has now rotated to face Surtur] Okay, so, Ragnarök. Tell me about that. Walk me through it.
S Surtur
My time has come. When my crown is reunited with the Eternal Flame, I shall be restored to my full might! I will tower over the mountains, and bury my sword deep in Asgard!
T Thor
[Rotating away from Surtur's direction again]
Whoop, hang on! Give it a second... I swear, I'm not even moving, it's just doing this on its own! I'm really sorry. [Thor has again rotated to face Surtur] Okay, so let me get this straight. You're going to put your crown into the Eternal Flame, and you'll suddenly grow big as a house?
T Thor
The Eternal Flame that Odin keeps locked away in Asgard?
S Surtur
Odin is not on Asgard. And your absence has left the throne defenseless.
T Thor
Okay, so... where is this crown?
S Surtur
[Taps the structure on his head]
This is my crown. The source of my power!...
T Thor
Oh, that's a crown? I thought it was a big eyebrow.
S Surtur
[Annoyed]
It's a crown!
T Thor
Anyway, it sounds like all I have to do to stop Ragnarök is rip that thing off your head.
S Surtur
[Laughs]
But Ragnarök has already begun! You cannot stop it! I am Asgard's doom, and so are you! All will suffer! All. Will. BURN.
T Thor
Oh, that's intense. You know to be honest, seeing you grow really big and set fire to a planet would be quite the spectacle. But it looks like, I'm gonna have to choose "Option B", where I bust out of these chains, knock that tiara off your head, and stash you away in Asgard's vault. [He has a smug little smirk at the end of this mini-tirade]
S Surtur
You cannot stop Ragnarök. Why fight it?
T Thor
[Motions his hand out]
Because. That's what heroes do! [Smiles dramatically, but after a moment, nothing occurs] Wait, sorry...I didn't time that right. And. Now!
S Surtur
[His hammer, Mjolnir, flies in. Thor grabs the hammer and battles Surtur as the "Immigrant Song" theme by Led Zeppelin plays] [Chuckling evilly]
You have made a grave mistake, Odinson!
T Thor
Oho, I make grave mistakes all the time. [Sees an army of Surtur's minions charging towards him] Everything seems to work out.
T Thor
[Throws Mjölnir as far as he can, then stand behind Loki disguised as Odin with a hand on his neck]
You know that nothing will stop Mjölnir as it returns to my hand. Not even your face!
[As Odin; stammers]
You've gone quite mad! You...you'll be executed for this!
T Thor
Then I'll see you on the other side, brother!
[As Mjölnir streaks towards him, "Odin" reveals himself as a disguised Loki]
ALRIGHT! I yield!
S Skurge
[Thor shoves Loki aside just in time, catching the hammer in his hand. The crowd gasps in shock and Loki smiles nervously as Thor glowers] [Out of breath, shoving through the crowd]
Behold! Thor...Odinson-
[Snaps his fingers]
No, no! [Turns and glares at Skurge] You had one job. Just the one!
You just couldn't stay away, could you? Everything was fine without you. Asgard was prospering. You've ruined everything. Ask them.
T Thor
[moves towards Loki]
Where’s Father? Did you kill him?
You had what you wanted. You had the independence you asked for. [Thor presses his hammer against Loki’s chest] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay! I know exactly where he is.
T Thor
[Examining a piece of a relic]
So Earth has...wizards now, huh? [goes to put the piece back, but accidentally knocks more off. He awkwardly tries to put the relic back together]
SS Stephen Strange
I prefer the term "Master of the Mystic Arts". You can leave that now.
T Thor
All right, wizard. Who are you and why should I care?
S Strange
My name is Dr. Stephen Strange, and I have some questions for you. Take a seat.
S Strange
[Motions, and Thor immediately finds himself sitting in a high-backed chair opposite Strange]
Tea?
T Thor
[Sees that a cup of tea has appeared in his hand]
I don't drink tea.
S Strange
What do you drink?
S Strange
[Strange turns the tea into a stein of beer]
So, I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother, Loki, is one of these beings.
T Thor
He's a worthy inclusion.
S Strange
[While using the Time Stone to refill the beer]
Then why bring him here?
T Thor
We're looking for my father.
S Strange
So, if I told you where Odin was, all parties concerned would promptly return to Asgard?
S Strange
Great. Then I'll help you.
T Thor
If you knew where he was, why didn't you call me?
S Strange
I have to tell you, he was adamant that he didn’t want to be disturbed. Your father said he had chosen to remain in exile. And you don't have a phone.
T Thor
No, I don't have a phone, but you could have sent an electronic letter. It's called an email.
S Strange
Yeah. Do you have a computer?
S Strange
[Sarcastic]
Uh-huh.
T Thor
Anyway, my father is no longer in exile. So if you could tell me where he is, I can take him home.
S Strange
Gladly. He's in Norway. [they go to a bookshelf and Strange flips through mystic books] I'm just seeing whether this incantation requires any Asgardian modifications. Nope. We don't need that.
T Thor
[Strange is using his powers, making him spill his beer]
Will you stop doing that?
S Strange
I need just one strand of your hair.
T Thor
Let me explain something. My hair is not to be meddled with. [Strange rips out one of his hairs] Agh!
T Thor
[Strange teleports himself and Thor back to the main hallway, Thor tumbles down the stairs]
We could have just walked.
S Strange
[Opening a portal to Norway]
He's waiting for you.
S Strange
Don't forget your umbrella.
T Thor
Oh yes. [Motions his hand for the umbrella. There is the sound of crashing and breaking glass as it damages the New York Sanctum on its way to him. Strange rolls his eyes in irritation] Sorry. [The umbrella finally comes and he removes some shattered glass from it] There we go. I suppose I'll need my brother back.
S Strange
Hmm? Oh, yeah. Right.
[Strange opens a portal and Loki falls back through]
I have been falling for thirty minutes!!!
S Strange
You can handle him from here.
T Thor
Yes. Of course. Thank you very much for your help.
"Handle me"? Who are you? [Pulls out his blades]
You think you're some kind of sorcerer?! Don't think for one minute, you second-rate –
S Strange
Alright. Buh-bye! [Sends Thor and Loki through a portal]
[Hela emerges from a portal, having been freed by Odin's passing]
So he's gone. That's a shame, I would have liked to have seen that.
T Thor
You must be Hela. I'm Thor, son of Odin.
[Disbelieving]
Really? You don't look like him.
[Clearly uneasy]
Perhaps we can come to an arrangement?
[Snarling]
You sound like him. Kneel.
[Affronted]
Beg your pardon?
[Hela produces a sword from her arm]
Kneel, before your Queen.
T Thor
Oho, I don't think so. [Thor hurls Mjölnir at her, only for Hela to catch it in one hand] It's not possible!
[Smiling cruelly]
Darling, you have no idea what's possible!
[Hela easily crushes Mjölnir's head]
SV Soothing Voice
[Thor, strapped to the chair, suddenly finds himself slowly moving forward. After a beat...the walls light up. He struggles against his restraints.]
Fear not, for you are found. You are home... and there is no going back. No one leaves this place. But what is this place? The answer in Sakaar. [The tunnel walls show images of Sakaar's place in the Cosmos.] Surrounded by cosmic gateways, Sakaar lives on the edge of the known and unknown. [Images of the wormholes that cover Sakaar's atmosphere.] It is the collection point for all lost and unloved things. Like you. But here on Sakaar, you are significant. You are valuable. Here, you are loved, and no one loves you more than the Grandmaster. Grandmaster. [Grandmaster, in silhouette, arrives on Sakaar.] He is the original. The first lost, and the first found. The creator of Sakaar and the father of the Contest of Champions. [Aliens in the arena battle to the death.] Where once you were nothing, now you are something. You are the property of the Grandmaster. Congratulations! You will meet the Grandmaster in five seconds. [Images around the tunnel begin speeding up. Chaos, violence, and confusion mixed in with Grandmaster's face. Thor, already bewildered, looks on the verge of panic.] Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. You are now meeting... The Grandmaster!
T Thor
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Time works real different around these parts. On any other world, I'd be, like, millions of years old. But here on Sakaar.... [Beholds himself] In any case, you know this, ah, this, ah... you call yourself the "Lord of Thunder"?
T Thor
God of Thunder. [Whispering to Loki] Tell him.
... I've never met this man in my life.
Is he any kind of a fighter?
T Thor
Heh...heh. You take this thing out of my neck and I'll show you!
[Absolutely gleefully]
Now, listen to that, he's threat-threatening me! Hey, Sparkles! Here's the deal: You want to get back to "Ass-place," "Ass-berg..."
... Any contender who defeats my champion... their freedom they shall win.
T Thor
[Lets loose a "so-done-with-this-crap" eye roll]
FINE! Then point me in the direction of whoever's arse I have to kick!
That's what I call...a contender! That direction would be, would be this way, Lord.
T Thor
[Grandmaster waves his fingers and Thor's chair starts to move] [Yelps]
Loki!
T Thor
[Exasperated]
Shut up.
T Thor
I'm not sad, you idiot. I'm pissed off! [Hulk groans] Angry. I lost my father! [Kicks a metal cylinder] I lost my hammer.
Whining and crying. Cry like baby—
T Thor
[Interrupting Hulk]
You're not even listening! [Kicks something else at Hulk]
Don't kick stuff! [Throws bowl at Thor]
T Thor
You're being a really bad friend!
T Thor
You know what we call you?
T Thor
[As Hulk is saying "no"]
We call you the stupid Avenger.
YOU TINY AVENGER!!! [Throws a shield at Thor which embeds itself into the wall]
T Thor
What, are you crazy?!
T Thor
You know what? Earth does hate you.
[Thor suddenly has an idea.]
Hey, let's do "Get Help".
[Slightly confuzzled]
What?
[Seeing what Thor is getting at]
No.
T Thor
Come on, you love it.
T Thor
It's great! It works every time.
T Thor
You got a better plan?
[Thoroughly exasperated]
We are not doing "Get Help"!
T Thor
[Thor gives Loki a devilish smirk. Flash-cut to the elevator opening to a seemingly unconscious Loki with one arm slung over a distressed Thor's shoulder.]
GET HELP! Please! My brother's dying! Get help! Help him! [He chucks Loki at the guards, knocking them unconscious.] Ahh, classic!
[Stands up looking 100% done with this shenaniganery]
Still hate it! It's humiliating!
T Thor
Well, not for me, it's not!
T Thor
[Hela approaches to Thor, who is sitting in Odin's throne]
Sister.
[Smiling evilly]
You're still alive.
T Thor
I love what you've done with the place. Redecorating, I see.
It seems our father's solution to every problem was to cover it up.
T Thor
Or to cast it out. [Hela's mouth twists in fury] He told you you were worthy. He said the same thing to me.
You see, you never knew him, not at his best. [Nostalgic sighs] Odin and I drowned entire civilisations in blood and tears. Where do you think all this gold came from? [Dismissive] And then one day he decided to become a benevolent king. To foster peace, to protect life. [Venomously] To have you.
T Thor
I understand why you're angry. And you are my sister, and technically have a claim to the throne. And believe me, I would love for someone else to rule. But it can't be you. You're just the worst.
Okay. Get up. You're in my seat. [Puts on her headdress]
T Thor
[Stands up]
You know, Father once told me that a wise king never seeks out war.
But must always be ready for it!
[The two charge and fight]
O Odin
Even when you had two eyes, you'd see only half the picture.
T Thor
She's too strong. Without my hammer, I can't.
O Odin
Are you Thor, the God of Hammers? That hammer was to help you control your power, to focus it. It was never your source of strength.
T Thor
It's too late. She's already taken Asgard.
O Odin
Asgard is not a place. It never was. [indicates the surrounding countryside] This could be Asgard. Asgard is where our people stand. Even now, right now, those people need your help. [prepares to depart]
T Thor
I'm not as strong as you.
O Odin
No...you're stronger.
T Thor
I think we should disband the Revengers.
Hit her with a lightning blast.
T Thor
I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in the history of lightning! It did nothing!
We just need to hold her off until everyone's on board.
T Thor
[Looking at the Asgardians boarding the Statesman]
It won't end there. The longer Hela's on Asgard, the more powerful she grows. She'll hunt us down. We need to stop her here and now.
I'm not doing "Get Help".
T Thor
[Hela walks and approaches with her swords] [Comes to a realization]
Asgard's not a place, it's a people. Loki, this was never about stopping Ragnarök, this was about causing Ragnarök. Surtur's crown; the vault. It's the only way.
[Seeing what Thor is getting at]
Bold move, Brother. Even for me. [Runs off]
Do you really think it's a good idea to go back to Earth?
T Thor
Yes, of course. People on Earth love me, I'm very popular.
Let me rephrase that. Do you really think it's a good idea to bring me back to Earth?
T Thor
Probably not, to be honest. I wouldn't worry, brother. I feel like everything's going to work out fine.
[Sanctuary II, a ship owned by Thanos, hovers over the Statesman.]
T Thor
Heimdall, I know you can see me. I need you to help me see.
H Heimdall
[Heimdall hears Thor's pleas and takes him to Asgard where he sees the people fleeing from Hela.]
I see you, but you're far away.
H Heimdall
Come see for yourself.
H Heimdall
[He takes Thor to a balcony where Hela's ravagers are laying waste to Asgard.]
I'm providing refuge in a place built by our ancestors. But if the Garrison falls, our only escape is Bifrost.
T Thor
You're talking about evacuating Asgard.
H Heimdall
[Thor, Heimdall and the residents throw their backs back to hide from the Ravagers. Once they're gone, he leads the citizens to the Garrison.]
Hela is ravenous. She draws her powers from Asgard. If I let her leave, she'll consume 9 realms and the Cosmos. We need you.
T Thor
I'm working on it. I don't know where I'm at.
H Heimdall
You're on a planet surrounded by doorways. Go through one.
H Heimdall
The big one.
[Thor loses contact with Heimdall as he fights off the Ravagers.]
T Thor
Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were going to fight side-by-side forever, but at the end of the day, you're you and I'm me. I don't know, maybe there's still some good in you. But let's be honest: our paths diverged a long time ago.
[Sighs]
Yeah. It's probably for the best that we never see each other again.
T Thor
It's what you always wanted. [He claps Loki on the shoulder.] Hey, let's do "Get Help".
[Slightly confused]
What?
[Seeing what Thor is getting at]
No.
T Thor
Come on, you love it.
T Thor
It's great! It works every time.
T Thor
You got a better plan?
[Thoroughly exasperated]
We are not doing "Get Help"!
T Thor
[Thor gives Loki a devilish smirk. Flash-cut to the elevator opening to a seemingly unconscious Loki with one arm slung over a distressed Thor's shoulder.]
GET HELP! Please! My brother's dying! Get help! Help him! [He chucks Loki at the guards, knocking them unconscious.] Ah, classic!
[Stands up looking 100% done with this]
Still hate it! It's humiliating!
T Thor
Well, not for me, it's not!
