But... how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode
It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. [turns towards the machine] That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad intelligence.
I'm sorry.
Spottswoode
Team, if the Derka-derkistanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be nine-eleven... times a thousand.
Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode
Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris
Well, then forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode
Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
Spottswoode
Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
Yes there is.
Unused dialogue:
Spottswoode
Team, this is all my fault. I screwed up with Cairo. [pause] I let racism cloud my judgment. [pause] I was so sure the world's ultimate terrorist must be Middle Eastern that... I never suspected he was a God damn gook. I'll never be racist again.
Spottswoode
Where are you going, Gary??
Gary
Don't you get it? Everyone hates us!!
Spottswoode
Now, now... Everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary
No they didn't!
Spottswoode
Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!
Spottswoode
Je - sus - Tit - ty - **** - ing! .....CHRIIIIIIST!!!
We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,!
I sense I'm going down.
Kim Jong Il
Okay: who brew up Panama Canal?
We were angry about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il
Goddammit, how many times I have to tew you? You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very pwecise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists **** it up!! Now take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time! Goodbye!! [flicks the screen off] Why is everyone so **** stupid? Why aren't more peopre interrigent, rike me?:
Gary Johnston
I'm a dick!
Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna **** all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get **** by dicks. But dicks also-****-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't **** the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit! [Gary pukes]
Alec Baldwin
What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us.
As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon
Matt Damon!
Chris
I'm gonna **** kill you!
Kim Jong Il
You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red-write-and brue-friend.
Lisa
So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand.
Kim Jong Il
Nooo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrrice... awr around the grobe. [looks down on Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six!
Chris
My God... That's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il
Nobody does!!
Kim Jong il
You are da rast of a dying breed...the fwag-waving American. Well, your wittle dweam will soon be over.
