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Sgt. Hulka quotes

You better hit those bunks, my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the big toe is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.

Capt. Stillman: It looks like a fine group of men, Sergeant.
Ox: I sure hope this is the mess hall! (to Stillman, observing his Captain insignia): How's it goin', Eisenhower?!
Sgt. Hulka: Yes, sir, a fine group of men.
Russell Ziskey: [teaching an English class to foreigners] Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English, but there's a couple of things I need to know first, because I've never done this before. So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulties?
[pause]
Russell Ziskey: A little English?
[a man raises his hand]
Russell Ziskey: Yes? You speak some English?
Man: Son of bitch. Shit.
Class: [in unison] Son of bitch. Shit.

John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.

Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery.
John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly ****ed by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey: Never.
John Winger: So much for the monastery.

Merchant: You can't leave that car there! It's a loading zone!
John Winger: We're not parking it, we're abandoning it.

Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?
John Winger: You mean like flaming?
Recruiter: Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.
Russell Ziskey: No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.
John Winger: Yeah . . . Would they send us someplace special?

Sergeant Hulka: Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
John Winger: Uncle Hulka?

Sergeant Hulka: When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand?
Cruiser: Yes, sir.

Sergeant Hulka: You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living.
Soldiers: Yes, sergeant!
Sergeant Hulka: I didn't hear you!
Soldiers: YES, SERGEANT!
Sergeant Hulka: That's what I wanna hear.
John Winger: Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?

Cruiser: I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I figured I better join before I got drafted.
Sergeant Hulka: Son, there ain't no draft no more.
Cruiser: There was one?

Psycho: My name's Francis Sawyer... but everyone calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis... I'll kill ya.
Leon: Ooooooh.
Psycho: You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff... I'll kill ya. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me... I'll kill ya.
Sergeant Hulka: Lighten up, Francis. We're all in this together. One of these men may save your life one of these days, you understand that?
'Winger: Then again maybe one of us won't.

Sergeant Hulka: Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.
John Winger: Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
[points to the soldier next to him]
John Winger: Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. But the two of us together? Forget it! I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.
[the soldiers start clapping]
Sergeant Hulka: Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.

Sergeant Hulka: We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.
[Soldiers groan]
John Winger: I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.
Sergeant Hulka: Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.

Sergeant Hulka: Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.
John Winger: I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.

Captain Stillman: All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.
Soldier with Mortar: What coordinates, sir?
Captain Stillman: [annoyed] Coordinates?
Soldier with Mortar: Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...
Captain Stillman: Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.
Soldier with Mortar: Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...
Captain Stillman: Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.

Russell Ziskey: John, do you think I'm officer material?
John Winger: God, I'm worried about you.
Russell Ziskey: Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.
John Winger: Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!
Russell Ziskey: We've got each other.

Sergeant Hulka: Now, since nobody else has got the guts...
[turns to John]
Sergeant Hulka: ...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP.
[soldiers groan]
Sergeant Hulka: How's that sound to you, mister?
John Winger: I think it sucks.

Sgt. Hulka: Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me.
John Winger: I 'd like to take a big swing at you, sarge.
Sgt. Hulka: Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.
John Winger: I don't think I want to go to the stockade.
Sgt. Hulka: I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk.
[Winger fakes, then tries to hit Sgt. Hulka, who ducks and punches Winger in his stomach, dropping him to his knees, gasping for breath.]
Sgt. Hulka: [putting his hat back on] I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.

Louise Cooper: It's called 'Force Field' and you try to get as close as you can without touching.
Russell Ziskey: Oh, I think I'm good at this.
Louise Cooper: We'll see.
[Louise lays down, Russell hovers over her, then kisses her.]
Louise Cooper: You broke my force field.
Russell Ziskey: Yeah, you win. [kisses her]

[after the "Aunt Jemima Treatment"]
John Winger: It's nice to know you could move like that.
Stella Hansen: Well, it's nice to know you could get me that hot.

Captain Stillman: Well, explain yourselves.
Dewey Oxburger: We were going to the Bingo parlour...at the YMCA. Well, one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up and...
Captain Stillman: Shut up.
Dewey Oxburger: Okay, Sir.
Captain Stillman: You men are a disgrace! Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.
Cruiser: But um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
Captain Stillman: That's even better. Tomorrow you're going to be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total **** ups you really are, I will personally recommend that the whole platoon will repeat the entire course of basic training.

General Barnicke: Where the hell have you been, soldier?
John Winger: Traaaaaaaining, sir!
Soldiers: Training, sir!
General Barnicke: What kind of training, son?
John Winger: Aaaaaaarmy training, sir!
Soldiers: Army training, sir!
[laughter]
General Barnicke: Where's your drill sergeant, men?
John Winger: Blown up, sir!
Capt. Stillman: Uhh, yes, sir, these are Sgt. Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training.
General Barnicke: I soo. So am I to understand you men completed your training on your own?
John Winger: Tha's the fact, Jack!
Soldiers: That's the fact, Jack!
General Barnicke: Captain, these are exactly the kind of go-getters I want on my EM-50 project.
Capt. Stillman: But, sir . . .
General Barnicke: Don't "But" me, Captain. I want them on the plane. Tonight!
John Winger: Gentlemen, it's party time...battalion style!

John Winger: C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like we're going into Wisconsin.
Russell Ziskey: Well, I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it.

John Winger: Come on. Let's take the truck.
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: Yes.
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: Yes.
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: Yes.
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: I'll drive.
Russell Ziskey: Okay.

Captain Stillman: Where the ****'s my truck? Where - ? WHERE'S MY TRUCK? Hey, where's the EM-50?
Soldier Outside Motor Pool: A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.

Cruiser: I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?
Psycho: All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

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