It looks like a fine group of men, Sergeant.
Ox I sure hope this is the mess hall! (to Stillman, observing his Captain insignia): How's it goin', Eisenhower?!
Sgt. Hulka Yes, sir, a fine group of men.
[teaching an English class to foreigners]
Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English, but there's a couple of things I need to know first, because I've never done this before. So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulties?
[pause]
A little English?
[a man raises his hand]
Yes? You speak some English?
M Man
Son of bitch. Shit.
C Class
[in unison]
Son of bitch. Shit.
Recruiter Now, are either of you homosexuals?
Recruiter Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.
No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.
Yeah . . . Would they send us someplace special?
SH Sergeant Hulka
When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand?
Psycho My name's Francis Sawyer... but everyone calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis... I'll kill ya.
Psycho You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff... I'll kill ya. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me... I'll kill ya.
SH Sergeant Hulka
Lighten up, Francis. We're all in this together. One of these men may save your life one of these days, you understand that?
'Winger: Then again maybe one of us won't.
SH Sergeant Hulka
Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.
Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
[points to the soldier next to him]
Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. But the two of us together? Forget it! I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.
SH Sergeant Hulka
[the soldiers start clapping]
Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.
All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.
Soldier with Mortar What coordinates, sir?
Soldier with Mortar Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...
Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.
Soldier with Mortar Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...
Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.
Sgt. Hulka Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me.
I 'd like to take a big swing at you, sarge.
Sgt. Hulka Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.
I don't think I want to go to the stockade.
Sgt. Hulka I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk.
Sgt. Hulka [Winger fakes, then tries to hit Sgt. Hulka, who ducks and punches Winger in his stomach, dropping him to his knees, gasping for breath.] [putting his hat back on]
I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.
Louise Cooper It's called 'Force Field' and you try to get as close as you can without touching.
Oh, I think I'm good at this.
Louise Cooper We'll see.
Louise Cooper [Louise lays down, Russell hovers over her, then kisses her.]
You broke my force field.
Yeah, you win. [kisses her]
Well, explain yourselves.
We were going to the Bingo parlour...at the YMCA. Well, one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up and...
You men are a disgrace! Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.
But um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
That's even better. Tomorrow you're going to be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total **** ups you really are, I will personally recommend that the whole platoon will repeat the entire course of basic training.
General Barnicke Where the hell have you been, soldier?
S Soldiers
Training, sir!
General Barnicke What kind of training, son?
Aaaaaaarmy training, sir!
S Soldiers
Army training, sir!
General Barnicke [laughter]
Where's your drill sergeant, men?
Uhh, yes, sir, these are Sgt. Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training.
General Barnicke I soo. So am I to understand you men completed your training on your own?
S Soldiers
That's the fact, Jack!
General Barnicke Captain, these are exactly the kind of go-getters I want on my EM-50 project.
General Barnicke Don't "But" me, Captain. I want them on the plane. Tonight!
Gentlemen, it's party time...battalion style!
Sgt. Hulka Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one and the same.
Sgt. Hulka [Some of the men snicker]
When I tell you to move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand!?
Sgt. Hulka I didn't hear you.
Sgt. Hulka You don't say 'sir' to me, I'm a Sergeant, I work for a living!
S Soldiers
Yes, Sergeant.
Sgt. Hulka I didn't hear you!
S Soldiers
YES, SERGEANT!!
Sgt. Hulka Now that's what I wanna hear!
[Softly, under his breath]
Think this guy's over doing it a bit?
Sgt. Hulka [The men snicker louder, drawing Hulka's attention to Winger]
We got a problem, boy?
Sgt. Hulka On your feet, boy.
Sgt. Hulka [Winger gets up from his chair]
What's your problem, boy?
I was just making a joke, Sergeant.
Sgt. Hulka Well why don't you tell me your joke, son?
I don't think you'd think it's funny, Sergeant.
Sgt. Hulka How do you know? I got a hell of a sense of humor. Ain't I, Corporal Briggs?
CB Cpl. Briggs
Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt. Hulka Corporal Briggs, we have a comedian in our midst. Will you take this comedian outside and watch him do fifty push-ups?
CB Cpl. Briggs
[Ushering Winger outside]
Get your goat-smelling ass outta here!!
Sgt. Hulka MOVE IT! HUT! HO! HUT! [Addressing the rest of the soldiers] Anybody else gonna be a comedian in here!?
Sgt. Hulka I didn't hear you!!
S Soldiers
NO, SERGEANT!!
