Starsky quotes from Starsky and Hutch (2004)

Captain Doby

You've robbed 7 bookies over the past 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money; you haven't even arrested anybody.

Hutch

How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.

Starsky

Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop.

Hutch

Oh really? Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk.

Starsky

For your information, my hair is naturally curly.

Hutch

No it's not.

Starsky

Yes it is.

Hutch

That's a perm job all the way.

Starsky

TOUCH IT.

Captain Doby

Hey! Why are you touching him? Jesus. You know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice. You're partners!

Starsky

It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8.

Hutch

8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened at 8.

Starsky

Well, don't sweat it, 'cause ya know what? Crime called in sick, it's gonna get a late start too.

Hutch

Crime called in sick, I like that...

Hutch

Willis, I'd like you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.

Starsky

Hi Willis.

Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?

Hutch

Just shake his hand.

Hutch

Okay, let me ask you a question, which one do you want cause we're gonna stick to this?

Starsky

I've always had a thing for blondes.

Hutch

Good, cause I'll take anything.

Starsky

Hey, do me a favor, tip your hat a little bit forward. C'mon.

Hutch

No, I like it where it is.

Starsky

No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.

Hutch

Will you... will you stop with that. That voice makes you sound crazy.

Starsky

It does not make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Chain in the Southland."

Hutch

Ohhhh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.

Starsky

Yeah, little touches, ya know, little touches, little details. Ya wanna make the character full, real.

Starsky

So, did you uh.. When did he.. Did he.. What.. So Hutch do you got any more questions?

Hutch

Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?

Gemini.

Starsky

What uh... What do you weigh?

What does that have to do with anything?

Starsky

It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.

Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hutch

Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.

Anything else?

Starsky

I'm good.

Hutch

Yeah.

Starsky

Yeah.

Hutch

Thank you so much.

Hutch

What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?

Starsky

No, I happen to take care of my personal business after work. When the taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.

Hutch

Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?

Starsky

I bring a thermos.

Huggy Bear

Hutch, you'll have the usual?

Hutch

You know it and make it a double.

Huggy Bear

Leon, get my a man a jack and tab. And double that.

You got it boss.

Starsky

Hey, I'll get a seltzer with a little lime if you got it.

Huggy Bear

I don't got it.

Starsky

Or not. That's cool. I'm good.

Hutch

Whoa! Your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what you got under -

Starsky

Hey! Hotshot! What do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino. It's not some crappy camper slash apartment. There are rules.

Hutch

Okay, okay.

Starsky

You do not bang on the hood. You never under any circumstances drive. And you will certainly not put your coffee mug on the roof of the car. In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.

Hutch

You gotta be kidding me. No way!

Starsky

What?

Hutch

A floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current pushes it down to the next precinct.

Starsky

Whoa, what are you doing?

Hutch

Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.

Starsky

Hey, seriously stop it.

Hutch

The key is not to pop it. You gotta be very ginger.

Starsky

Hey!

Hutch

What are you doing?!

Starsky

I said drop the stick.

Hutch

You're gonna point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way. If it's so important knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway?

Starsky

A murder. I'm gonna solve a murder.

Hutch

Look at all these cops. You really want to eat here?

Starsky

It's a great place. Pop's? Come on. If you're one of the cops you eat at Pop's.

Hutch

What do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?

Huggy Bear

Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness books. So they say.

Starsky

Interesting. Who would this little bird be?

Huggy Bear

Look man. I lay it out for y'all to play it out.

Starsky

All right. What does that mean?

Hutch

Don't worry about it.

Starsky

Wrong answer, Big Earl.

Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl, I'm Jeff.

Hutch

Yeah, sure, no-one's who they say they are.

Seriously. Think about it, I'm not even big.

Hutch

Yeah, he's got a point.

Starsky

Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.

Hutch

Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.

Starsky

You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?

I don't know, 5'9"?

Starsky

Well that is kind of...

Hutch

It's borderline, it's average.

I'll tell you what, I do like your blonde friend here. Let me see your belly button.

Hutch

No. Let's go.

Starsky

Hold on a second. The guy's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach. Nobody's here.

Are we cool?

Starsky

Yes, we're cool.

Oh, eureka. God, that's nice. It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.

Starsky

Hey, Hutch, I beat that guy. What was that about?

Hutch

Sure you did. You won.

Starsky

You saw.

Hutch

You won. You danced your heart out.

Starsky

And everybody saw it.

Hutch

Shhh. Go to sleep.

Starsky

I was robbed.

Hutch

I know. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, tiny dancer.

Wait! There's really a bullet in the gun!

Starsky

Yes... I know...That is the point of...Russian Roulette!

Hi, can I get you two a drink?

Starsky

You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.

Alright, and you?

Hutch

Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.

Ok? I'll be right back.

Starsky

What are you doing?

Hutch

What?

Starsky

What was that? You just stole my voice.

Hutch

No, I didn't.

Starsky

Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.

Hutch

What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

Starsky

You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...

Huggy Bear

I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.

Starsky

Come on Huggy, what's the difference?

Huggy Bear

A snitch wears a wire. A snitch is the scum of the information industry.

Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.

Right on! Yeah!

Hutch

Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.

Starsky

Sit now. Do it. [Hutch huffs] Do it!

Hutch

The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!

Starsky

This is incredible.

Hutch

I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!

Starsky

Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it.

Listen, jackass. You either give me a ticket, or get the hell off this stage, you dig that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Starsky

Pop the trunk, Candyman.

Hutch

You heard him. Pop it!

Captain Doby

What the hell are you two doing?

Starsky

Pop IT!

Starsky

Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance.

Hutch

Whoa, what have we here? Does this look familiar? Some cocaine. Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab and have it analyzed this time ...

Starsky

Hutch!

Alright, freeze! Alright, everybody freeze! Put your hands where I can see them! Do it now!

Put it down!

Captain Doby

You relax pal. Relax!

Let's do it!

Put that gun down or I'm gonna kill your friend right here. Do it now!

What the hell are we doing?

Do it now! Put it down!

Starsky

I like your Lincoln.

Huggy Bear

It's a '76. Won't be out 'til next year. But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people.

Hutch

I like your style.

Starsky

I like your moves.

Hutch

Hey Reese, this is a nice boat, is it yours?

Actually, that's a yacht.

Hutch

Oh, I'm sorry, a yacht.

Starsky

Hutch, can we please focus on the investigation?

Hutch

"Cavorting with nefarious characters". "Conduct unbecoming an officer".

Starsky

Come on. I wrote that thing two weeks ago, things are totally cool with us now.

Hutch

Did you go through my locker?

Starsky

No.

Hutch

You went through my locker.

Starsky

I mean, I may have looked through it while it was open but...

Hutch

If you've got a problem with someone you tell it to their face, you come to them as a man. You don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get transferred to another precinct.

Well, if it isn't Sonny & Cher.

Starsky

Sit on it, Manetti.

Starsky

Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there?

Huggy Bear

I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do.

Hutch

Are you crying?

Starsky

Hmm?

Hutch

Are you crying?

Starsky

Am I crying? I'm not crying. You are.

Hutch

It's okay to cry. People cry.

Starsky

Well, I'm not like many people. I'm not a crier, I don't cry, I work out. I have a job, I have hobbies...

Starsky

I'm just gonna take it slow for a while, get the feel of it.

Hutch

No, no, that's smart. Do that.

Hutch

Starsky.

Starsky

Hang on.

Hutch

No. No.

Starsky

Hang on. Woo.