Come on. We're late.
Simon Birch No, you're late. I'm just riding with you.
Played by Ian Michael Smith 
Simon Birch (1998) · 40 quotes
Simon Birch (1998) · 40 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Simon Birch (1998): in 22 of its 40 quotes
Most scenes with: Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator) (20), Rev. Russell (5), Marjorie (2)
Scenes with Simon Birch
22 scenes Simon Birch Simon Birch Not so fast. Slow down. I'm a miracle, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Old Man #1
[Joe and Simon travel past two old men sitting down.] [laughing]
Here they come - the Wenteworth bastard and his granite mouse.
Old Man #2 Hey, Birch, nice sidecar. What'd you use, a matchbox?
Simon Birch [gives them the finger]
Have a nice day.
Old Man #1
Goddam kids got no respect these days.
Simon Birch I was just thinking.
Yeah?
Simon Birch Last year we played in the Squirt League, right?
Uh-huh.
Simon Birch And this year we're in the Peewees.
So?
Simon Birch Do they want us to play baseball or urinate? [silence] Anyway, I was just thinking.
Simon Birch Your mother has the best breasts of all the mothers.
Simon Birch And she smells the best too.
Joe Wenteworh
I know.
Simon Birch She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Okay. Okay.
Simon Birch I was just being honest.
Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon Birch I'd have you committed.
Simon Birch It's freezing!
My balls just turned into marbles.
Simon Birch My balls just turned into bb's!
Simon Birch [Joe and Simon are sitting on deck at the quarry.]
Marjorie's getting breasts.
Yeah.
Simon Birch And soon they'll be boobs.
I know.
Simon Birch Maybe she'll let us touch 'em some time if we paid her.
Why don't you ask her? [calling out to Marjorie] Oh, uh, Marjorie.
Simon Birch [embarrassed]
Stop it! Stop it!
Uh, Simon has a question for you.
What is it, Simon?
Simon Birch Nothing. Goodbye.
He wants to know, uh maybe if he paid you, could he touch your br-- [Simon stops Joe by grabbing his mouth to avoid further embarrassment]
Simon Birch [Making their way home from the quarry.]
Your problem is that you have no faith.
I got faith. I just need proof to back it up.
Simon Birch [At the church, Simon expresses himself in front of everyone.]
I said, "What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God?"
They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and, uh, and discuss the upcoming activities.
Simon Birch Who ever said the church needs a continental breakfast?
-Simon!
Simon Birch I doubt that God is interested in our church activities.
-Simon!
Simon Birch -If God has made the church bake sale a priority, then I'd say we're all in a lot of trouble.
Simon, what do you think you're doing sitting in a corner?
Simon Birch Thinking about God.
In a corner?
Simon Birch Faith is not in a floor plan.
Simon Birch [crying]
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Simon Birch [At Rebecca's tombstone.]
Into paradise...may the angels...lead you.
Simon Birch It's freezing!
My balls just turned into prunes.
Simon Birch My balls just turned into raisins.
What is it?
Simon Birch [Upon seeing a dog]
Ah! It's a horse.
Joe Wentworth
C'mon Si, all the girls think your cute.
Simon Birch They think I'm cute like a baby turtle. Girls don't kiss baby turtles.
Simon Birch Does God have a plan for us?
I like to think He does.
Simon Birch -Me too. I think God made me the way I am for a reason.
Well, I'm glad that, um, that your faith, uh, helps you deal with your, um...you know, your, your condition.
Simon Birch That's not what I mean. I think I'm God's instrument - that He's gonna use me to carry out His plan.
Simon Birch Boobs! [Reaches out to grab Marjorie]
Oh, Simon. What happened to tonight?
Simon Birch I don't know. Sex makes people crazy.
Simon Birch I want to know that there's a reason for things. I used to be certain, but now I'm not so sure. I want you to tell me that God has a plan for me, a plan for all of us. Please.
Simon Birch [Simon sorts things out on the bus that plunged into a lake]
Stop it! [Everyone looks around] I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you. Understand?
Didn't your mother ever tell you to keep quiet during mass? What am I saying? Of course she didn't. Your parents don't go to church, do they, Simon? That's because they don't belong here, Simon. And neither do you. Speaking out of turn, disrupting the class, saying that God has a special plan for you? What kind of nonsense is that?
Rebecca Wenteworth [Furiously bursts into the classroom, having heard the whole thing]
And what kind of nonsense is this?!
Hello, Rebecca...
Rebecca Wenteworth Come on, Simon.
No, wait, I was teaching him a lesson!
Rebecca [Joe and Simon lean against the door to hear the argument between Rebecca and Leavey on the other side]
What lessons? Humiliation?
Oh, man! This is so boss!
Simon Birch This is all my fault.
Don't take all the credit, she's my mom.
...telling the other children that he's some kind of hero, that he's God's instrument!
Rebecca Wenteworth And who's to say he isn't?
Who do you think would win in a fight?
Simon Birch Tough say. Miss Leavey's meaner, but she's a smoker. Your mom can outlast her.
We can't have him talking that way. It frightens the other children.
Rebecca Wenteworth Oh, I think the only one who's frightened here is you, Miss Leavey.
What? Why would I be afraid of little Simon Birch?
Rebecca Wenteworth Because that child has more faith than you'll ever know.
Okay, is everybody ready for dress rehearsal?
Simon Birch No.
What now, Simon?
Simon Birch [Points to the turtledove costumes, which look like winged mutant turtles]
What are those?
They're turtledoves.
Simon Birch They look like they're from outer space! The audience won't know what they are!
They're doves, Simon! The audience knows what a dove is!
Simon Birch They're giant doves! They're as big as half a donkey. They're actually kind of frightening.