So, do you have a boyfriend?
Cassie
Yeah. Actually, I'm engaged.
Unlikely.
Scenes with Cassie
12 scenes
Cassie, age 5
Daddy?
Yeah, baby?
Cassie, age 5
I'm never going to get married.
Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.
Cassie, age 5
Because I always want to live here with you.
Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends.
Cassie
[He kisses her forehead. Scene shifts to present day.]
Dad, could you be any more of a dork?
Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?
Cassie
I know where, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.
Because it's a stupid way.
You're lost, aren't you?
Yes, I'm lost. Because our daughter, Sakagawea back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street, she just knows it as 'the one next to the one with the fountain'.
[Raccoons are in the RV oven; the family runs out]
Did you forget to take the roasts out last night?!
Guess so.
Cassie
Let's feed Carl to the raccoon and he might leave!
That's a good one, son.
Cassie
[repeated line]
Dad, the RV's rolling away.
Cassie
Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.
What?
Cassie
Oh, my god. It's your husband.
Cassie
[about the Gornickes]
What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing!
[walks in]
Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?
Cassie
The "Big Turd".
The "Big Rolling Turd"?
In that spirit, we set forth. [sits down]
[raccoons are in the RV oven; the family runs out]
Did you take out the roasts from last night?!
I guess not.
Well, what's the plan?
Cassie
Let's give him Carl! Maybe he'll eat him and leave.
Good one.
Table for 4. No smoking.
Waitress
Wipe your feet.
[while tying a knot in a cherry stem in her mouth]
Mm-hmm. Mmm, mm-hmm. [spits stem out] See, that's why you should study. So you can get good grades and go to a big party school. [drops stem]
Cassie
[her and Bob are playing billiards]
Hey, Dad, how come we never got a pool table for the house?
Because of the generalissimo over there. [Cassie laughs] We had one before you were born, in the dining room, but then, you know, you get a job, you start inviting over for dinner, you have a family.
Cassie
So life used to be fun?
Yeah, it was fun. But then something happened that was a lot more fun.
Cassie
[amuses Bob referred to her]
Aw...
We got the George Foreman smokeless grill.
Cassie
[laughs]
Okay...
[Bob sinks the 8-ball]
Cassie
Dad, you forgot something.
Baby, don't interrupt Dad's handsome new bosses, okay?
Cassie
Sure, but the RV's rolling away.
[the RV rolls backwards, flattening the cars behind it]
Cassie
[as Cassie, Jamie and Carl are walking on the road]
You know what's scary is that this is rush hour.
Mom, there's never going to be any other cars on this road. [suddenly, the horn honks the Star Trek theme]
[notices the horn, in surprise]
Oh, my God! [she, Carl and Cassie turn around and see the Gornickes in their bus. It then shows the bus on the highway]
Cassie
[notices the stuff on the table]
What's this?
Oh, I gotta study for my stupid placement test.
Cassie
[slyly]
Oh, like some sort of vocational training?
College.
Cassie
How old are you?
15 and a half. I jumped a grade. Moon, though, she skipped two grades.
Cassie
[surprised]
Wow. You guys are smart.
Hey, guess what?
We need gas. [Cassie groans] And I really have to go to the bathroom.
You know, we have one of those.
Yeah, but after my last little shower of sadness...
Okay, okay, do what you have to do.
Oh, I-I-I've got an ICBM coming!
Cassie
Ugh!
