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Bob: [really needs to use a toilet] I've got an ICBM coming! [mutters to himself] If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.
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Carl: Does anyone have a vomit bag?
Jamie: Are you sick?
Carl: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.
Jamie: Are you sick?
Carl: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.
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Cassie, age 5: Daddy?
Bob: Yeah, baby?
Cassie, age 5: I'm never going to get married.
Bob: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.
Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you.
Bob: Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends.
[He kisses her forehead. Scene shifts to present day.]
Cassie: Dad, could you be any more of a dork?
Bob: Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?
Cassie: I know where, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.
Bob: Because it's a stupid way.
Jamie: You're lost, aren't you?
Bob: Yes, I'm lost. Because our daughter, Sakagawea back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street, she just knows it as 'the one next to the one with the fountain'.
Bob: Yeah, baby?
Cassie, age 5: I'm never going to get married.
Bob: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.
Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you.
Bob: Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends.
[He kisses her forehead. Scene shifts to present day.]
Cassie: Dad, could you be any more of a dork?
Bob: Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?
Cassie: I know where, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.
Bob: Because it's a stupid way.
Jamie: You're lost, aren't you?
Bob: Yes, I'm lost. Because our daughter, Sakagawea back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street, she just knows it as 'the one next to the one with the fountain'.
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Cassie: Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.
Jamie: What?
Cassie: Oh, my god. It's your husband.
Jamie: What?
Cassie: Oh, my god. It's your husband.
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Marie Jo: Do you want to hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado?
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[Raccoons are in the RV oven; the family runs out]
Jamie: Did you forget to take the roasts out last night?!
Bob: Guess so.
Cassie: Let's feed Carl to the raccoon and he might leave!
Carl: [Angrily] Let's feed him you! He might be on the South bitch diet!
Bob: That's a good one, son.
Jamie: Did you forget to take the roasts out last night?!
Bob: Guess so.
Cassie: Let's feed Carl to the raccoon and he might leave!
Carl: [Angrily] Let's feed him you! He might be on the South bitch diet!
Bob: That's a good one, son.
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[Bob is sitting on the toilet]
Billy: You sure got a nice one.
Bob: What?
Billy: That's a nice laptop.
Billy: You sure got a nice one.
Bob: What?
Billy: That's a nice laptop.
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[about Travis] Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
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[angrily] We watch TV in four separate rooms and IM each other when dinner is ready.