Joan Wilder quotes from Romancing the Stone (1984)

What's it gonna be, Angelina?

Joan Wilder

It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.

So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.

Joan Wilder

But it was October.

I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!

Joan Wilder

I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.

Not quite, angel. [spits] Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!

Joan Wilder

That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.

Joan Wilder

Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?

Jack Colton

No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.

Joan Wilder

But it's very important that I get to one.

Jack Colton

Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?

Joan Wilder

Can you tell me where the nearest town is?

Jack Colton

English speaking? How about Miami?

Joan Wilder

Will there be another bus?

Jack Colton

Another bus? This is it. [looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road] You've got rush hour.

Joan Wilder

I need to get to Cartagena.

Jack Colton

Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.

Joan Wilder

But they told me this bus...

Jack Colton

Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?

Joan Wilder

That man...

Jack Colton

That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?

Jack Colton

Cops! What the hell do they want? I haven't done anything... lately! Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?

Joan Wilder

Well, I'm a romance novelist.

Jack Colton

You're what? What are you doing here?

Joan Wilder

I told you, my sister's life depends on me.

Jack Colton

Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.

Joan Wilder

These were Italian.

Jack Colton

Now they're practical.

Joan Wilder

What is all this?

Jack Colton

All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.

Joan Wilder

Oh, marijuana.

Jack Colton

Oh, you smoke it?

Joan Wilder

I went to college.

Joan Wilder

What do you want? Seriously, I'd really like to know.

Jack Colton

Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.

Joan Wilder

So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?

Jack Colton

Yeah.

Joan Wilder

Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. Well, what does the "T" stand for?

Jack Colton

Trustworthy.

Jack Colton

I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.

What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?

Jack Colton

Oh, no this is great...

Hit the road.

Jack Colton

No, senor, see we...

Hit-the-road.

Jack Colton

But we...

Vaya con dios, gringo.

Jack Colton

Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.

Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? The Joan Wilder?

You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?

Joan Wilder

Well, yes, I am.

I read your books! I read all your books! [turning to his men, in Spanish] This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!

Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]

Jack Colton

Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.

Joan Wilder

Why haven't you taken the map away from me?

Jack Colton

What are you talking about?

Joan Wilder

I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?

Jack Colton

Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?

Joan Wilder

I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.

Jack Colton

Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.

Joan Wilder

I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?

Jack Colton

Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.

Joan Wilder

OK. OK. Let's got for it.
[they kiss]

Joan Wilder

You're the best time I've ever had.

Jack Colton

I've never been anybody's best time.

Joan Wilder

You're leaving? You're leaving me?

Jack Colton

You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder. [they kiss] You always were.

Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.

Joan Wilder

No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.

Joan Wilder

I like your boots.

Jack Colton

Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.

Joan Wilder

I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.

Jack Colton

I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.

Joan Wilder

Then you know how they all end.

Jack Colton

Yeah. Hi.

Joan Wilder

Hi.
[they kiss passionately]