Big Jack Horner quotes from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

View Quote Little Jack Horner didn't have any magic. He was a pathetic, buttered baker's boy. Little Jack's dead! I'm Big Jack Horner!

View Quote Assemble the Baker's Dozen.

View Quote I'll take this! And that! Ooh, and these! One of those! And I gotta take that! Yes! Yes! No. Yes! Oh, yeah! [hums as he picks up a cookie and a magic potion with labels reading "Eat Me" and "Drink Me"] All of these! Hahahaha! This one is right. [bowls a glass sphere into the bag]

View Quote Behold! [the sword is stuck] Excalibur! Yeah, I couldn't get this rock off of it. But still pretty cool, right?

View Quote You know, I never had much as a kid. Just loving parents, and stability, and a mansion, and a thriving baked goods enterprise for me to inherit. Useless crap like that. [the Ethical Bug facepalms]

View Quote [emerging from his bag as a giant] I was worried for a second I would come out naked, but my clothes grew too! Cool!

View Quote [attracted by Perrito's cuteness] They're such pools of vulnerability. It's so cute! How you THINK that would work on me! Don't you know I'm dead inside? By the way, your nose is bleeding.

View Quote [last words before his death] WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! [as everyone glares at him] I MEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?!

View Quote Ethical Bug: You're not gonna shoot a puppy, are you, Jack?
Jack: Yeah, in the face. Why?

View Quote [Camera zooms out, revealing Big Jack Horner watching the two from his crystal ball.]
Jack: What do you think, bug? Do I wait for the cats to steal the map and kill them, or do I just kill everybody all at once?
Ethical Bug: You know, I'm starting to think you don't appreciate the value of a life.
Jack: [confused] What? No! I mean, I love these guys.
[The camera cuts to Jack walking on the backs of his Baker's Dozen, who have constructed into a human bridge.]
Jack: Flex the glutes. I need a solid surface!
Ethical Bug: [to himself] There's good in all people. There's good in all people... [to Jack] You know, Jack, maybe we need to dig a little deeper. Tell me about your childhood.
Jack: [sighs] You know, I never had much as a kid. Just loving parents, stability, a mansion, and a thriving baked-goods enterprise for me to inherit. Useless crap like that. [Bug facepalms] But once I get my wish, I'll finally have the one thing that will make me happy!
Ethical Bug: Oh, and what's that?
Jack: All of the magic in the world. For me. And no one else gets any. [As he says this, his crystal ball shows him standing above the earth, with purple lightning coming from his hands. The bug watches in shock.] Is that so much?
Ethical Bug: YES!!
Jack: Agree to disagree. [looks at the remaining baker, pulling the chariot.] All right, bring it over.
[Near the end of the human bridge, the chariot falls, killing the majority of the Baker's Dozen. One remaining member survives, clutching the edge of the cliff.]
Baker: Help!
Ethical Bug: Sweet Mother of Goose, Jack!
Jack: [nonchalantly] Well, you know what they say: "Can't bake a pie without losing a dozen men." [chuckles]
Ethical Bug: Oh! Oh! That was horrible! Your wish is horrible! YOU'RE HORRIBLE! You're an irredeemable MONSTER!
Jack: [mockingly] Ohh, ohh! What took you so long, IDIOT?!
[Jack flicks the bug off his shoulder, sending him flying. He dusts his shoulder, then sighs.]
Jack: [To the remaining baker] You're not chatty, are you?
Baker: [terrified] Mm-mm.

View Quote [Puss runs after meeting with Death and arrives to the wishing star]
[Puss reads the map; Kitty comes]
Puss: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish…
Kitty: I can't believe I fell for it again.
Puss: Kitty, you don't understand.
Kitty: Don't understand what? That you've been playing me this whole time?
Puss: I need this wish.
Kitty: Oh, yeah? You want to know what my wish was? Someone, anyone I could trust. [takes the map away from him]
Puss: Hey!
Kitty: In my whole life, I've never had that! But I thought I finally found someone... without a wish. [lowers her sword] I thought it was you. But you're still running. Still the same old Puss in Boots.
Puss: But I am not! I am not Puss in Boots. I'm… [sighs] I am on my last life. I need to get my lives back. Without them, I am not… I-- I am not…
Kitty: What? The legend? [chuckles] I still can't compete with your one, true love. Go on, [throws the map] get your lives back. [grunts] Just keep them out of mine.
Puss: [whimpering] KITTY, DEATH IS AFTER ME!
Kitty: What?
[Jack Horner enters the scene.]
Jack: I've been called a lot of things...
[He leaps down, pulling his magic staff out of his bag.]
Jack: But never death. I like it! That's MY wish!