2nd most-quoted character in The Philadelphia Story (1940): in 35 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Tracy Samantha Lord (13), Dexter (9), Liz (6)
Champagne's funny stuff. I'm used to whiskey. Whiskey is a slap on the back, and champagne's heavy mist before my eyes.
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor I'm not gonna do it, Liz. I'm gonna tell Sidney Kidd very plainly and simply I'm a writer. I'm not a society snoop. I'm gonna tell him just that...Let Kidd fire me! Start writin' short stories again - that's what I should be doin' anyway. I'm gonna tell him just that.
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor Why are you doing all this unless you...Oh! oh, you want to get even with your ex-bride, huh?
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor The Queen will have bread and honey at the usual time.
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor Tell four footmen to call me in time for lunch will you?
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor Well, this is where Cinderella gets off! Now you hurry back to the ball before you turn into a pumpkin and six white mice — goodbye!
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor I'm testing the air. I like it but it doesn't like me.
Macaulay 'Mike' Connor I would sell my grandmother for a drink — and you know how I love my grandmother.
Your assignment will be Spy's most sensational achievement - Tracy Lord. Big game hunting in Africa, fox hunting in Pennsylvania. Married on impulse and divorced in a rage. And always unapproachable by the press. 'The Unapproachable Miss Lord.' 'The Philadelphia Story'...(quote) 'A Wedding Day Inside Mainline Society.'
Mike Or: 'What the Kitchen Maid Saw Through the Keyhole.' (unquote)...(quote) 'No hunter of buckshot in the rear is Cagey Crafty Connor.' (unquote) (close paragraph)
Close job, close bank account. But Mr. Kidd, how can you possibly get inside the Lord estate, let alone the house?
Mike Now we're not gonna do it, Liz, dawgonnit, it's degrading. It's undignified.
And so is an empty stomach. How do we get in?
Mike I don't think you're being fair to me, Mr. Kidd.
No?
Mike No. You're treating me like you treat all your other writers.
You really hate me, don't you Connor?
Mike Oh no! [pause] I don't like you very much though.
What's this room? I've forgotten my compass.
Mike I'd say, south-by-southwest parlor-by-living-room.
What does thee wish?
Mike I'm looking for some local b— what'd you say?
What does thee wish?
Mike Um, local biography or history.
If thee will consult with my colleague in there.
Mike Mm-hm. Dost thou have a washroom?
Mike Thank thee.
Mike Uh-oh, Liz, what did I tell you? Look, how do you like this: living room, sitting room, terrace, pool, stables...
That's probably so they can talk to the horses without having them in the house.
Mike This is the Bridal Suite. Would you send up a couple of caviar sandwiches and a bottle of beer?
What? Who is this?
Mike This is the Voice of Doom calling. Your days are numbered, to the seventh son of the seventh son!
Hello? Hello?
What's the matter?
I think one of the servants has been at the sherry again.
Mike Age 32...General Manager, Quaker State Coal, controlling interest in the company owned by Seth Lord - that's the girl's father, huh?
Uh, huh.
What a coincidence.
Mike How did he meet her?
Heaven brought them together, I imagine.
Mike Now about this girl. Tracy Samantha Lord...Oh, what's her leading characteristic.
She has a horror of men who wear their hats in the house. [leaves the room]
Leading characteristics to be filled in later.
Mike I can fill them in right now: the young rich, rapacious, American female. There's no other country where she exists.
And would I change places with Tracy Samantha Lord for all her wealth and beauty? Oh boy just ask me.
You're a kind of, um, writer, aren't you, Mr. Connor?
Mike Sort of.
A book?
Mike Yes.
Under what name do you publish?
Mike My own. Macauley Connor.
What's the 'Macauley' for?
Mike Well, my father taught English History. I'm, I'm Mike to my friends.
Of whom you have many, I'm sure. English History - it's always fascinated me. Cromwell, Robin Hood, Jack the Ripper. Where did he teach? I mean your father -
Mike In a little high school in South Bend, Indiana.
South Bend! It sounds like dancing, doesn't it? You must have had a most happy childhood there.
Mike Yeah, it was terrific.
I'm so glad.
Mike No, I didn't mean it that way.
I'm so sorry. Why?
Mike Uh, well, lack of where-with-all I guess.
But that doesn't always cause unhappiness, does it? Not if you're the right kind of man. George Kittredge, my fiancee, never had anything either and he...
Are either of you married?
Mike No.
Uh, no.
You mean you were, but now you're divorced...Well, come now Miss Imbrie, surely you're not ashamed of it.
Well, of course I'm not ashamed of it.
Mike WHAT!?
Well, it was years ago. I was only a kid in Duluth.
Mike Well, good heavens Liz! You never told me anything...
You never asked me.
Mike Well, I know, but you...
Joe Smith. Hardware.
Mike You're the darnedest girl, Liz.
I think I'm sweet.
Duluth. That must be a lovely spot. It's west of here, isn't it?...And this is your first visit in Philadelphia? It's a quaint old place, don't you think, filled with relics. And how old are you, Mr. Connor?
Mike Thirty.
One book isn't much for a man of thirty. Well, I don't mean to criticize. You probably have other interests outside your work.
Mike None, I mean unless... [He gestures to acknowledge his friendship with Liz]
How sweet. Are you going together?
Well, that is an odd question I must say.
Well, I don't see why. I think it's very interesting. Miss Imbrie. Don't you agree that if a man says he loves a girl, he ought to marry her?
Mike Can she be human?
Please, Mr. Connor! I asked Miss Imbrie a question.
That depends. I-
I'll see what's keeping Mama. [she leaves the room]
Are you one of the musicians?
Mike No!
Oh, of course, you're Junius's friend. Only you're not. Do you have any violin strings?
Mike I have an aspirin. Will that work?
I don't think so; It's for a violin. Oh well, no matter!
The course of true love...
Mike ...gathers no moss.
Mike I guess this must be love.
Your guess is correct, Mr. Connor.
I'm just his faithful old dog Tray.
Give me your paw!
You've got it. [He takes her hand and kisses it]
Mike Well, are you sure you're doing the right thing? You know what happens to girls like you when they read books like mine. They begin to think. That's bad.
These stories are beautiful. Why, Connor, they're almost poetry.
Mike Well, don't kid yourself - they are.
I can't make you out at all, now.
Mike Really? I thought I was easy.
So did I. But you're not. You, you talk so big and tough - and then you write like this. Which is which?
Mike Both, I guess.
No. No I-I believe you put the toughness on to save your skin.
Mike Do you think so?
I know a little about that.
Mike Do you?
Quite a lot.
When you can do a thing like that book, how can you possibly do anything else?
Mike Well, you may not believe this, but there are people in this world that must earn their living.
Of course, but people buy books, don't they?
Mike Not as long as there's a library around. You know, that book of mine represents two solid years' work. And it netted Connor something under six hundred dollars.
But that shouldn't be!...What about your Miss Imbrie?
Mike Well, Miss Imbrie is in somewhat the same fix. She's a born painter, and might be a very important one. But Miss Imbrie must eat. And she also prefers a roof over her head to being constantly out in the rain and snow.
Food and a roof.
I have the most wonderful little house in Unionville. It's up on a hill with a view that would knock you silly. I'm never there except in the hunting season, and not much then, and I'd be so happy to know that it was of some real use to someone....There's a brook and a small lake, no size really, and a patch of woods, and in any kind of weather, it's the most wonderful --- Well anyhow, I'm, I'm so delighted that I can offer it to you...And don't think I'd come trooping in every minute because I wouldn't. I'd-I'd never come except when expressly asked to.
Mike Well, you see the idea of artists depending upon a patron Lady Bountiful has more or less gone out.
Oh! I see. That wasn't especially kind of you, Mr. Connor. I'm sorry to have seemed patronizing.
Orange juice, certainly.
Don't tell me you've forsaken your beloved whiskey and whiskeys.
No, no, no, no. I've just changed their color, that's all. I'm going for the pale pastel shades now. They're more becoming to me. How about you, Mr. Connor? You drink, don't you? Alcohol, I mean.
Mike Oh, a little.
A little, 'little.' And you a writer? I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time, I think I secretly wanted to be a writer.
Dexter, would you mind doing something for me?...Get the heck out of here.
Oh my dear, Red. I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to you. You need me too much.
Would you mind telling me just what it is you're hanging around for? [Mike begins to walk away] Oh no, no, no. Please don't go, Mr. Connor.
'Oh no, no, no. Please don't go Mr. Connor.' As a writer, this ought to be right up your street.
Don't miss a word.
Mike Doggone it, C.K. Dexter Haven. Either I'm gonna sock you or you're gonna sock me.
Shall we toss a coin?
Mike Are you still in love with her?...Liz thinks you are...But of course, women like to romanticize [hiccup] about things...I don't know, I-I can't understand how you can have been married to her and still know so little about her?...You know, Tracy's no ordinary woman. And you said some things to her this afternoon I resented.
Well, I apologize Mr. Connor.
Mike That's quite all right. Quite all right. But when a girl is like Tracy, she's one in a million. She's, she's sort of like a, she's sort of like a...
A goddess?
Mike No, no, no. No, you said that word this afternoon. No. No, she's, she's sort of like a queen. A radiant glorious queen. And you can't treat her like other women.
No, I suppose not. But then I imagine Kittredge appreciates all that.
Mike Kittredge! Kittredge appreciates Kittredge. Ah, that fake man of the people. He isn't even smart.
I always thought Kidd himself was the five-cent Kidd.
Mike And what's that make you worth, C. K. Dexter Haven? Bringing us down here.
But you know why I did that. To get even with my ex-bride. You told me so yourself...
Mike Kidd's just using you like he uses everybody else. You don't know Kidd like I know him. The guy's colossal, he's terrific, he's got everybody fooled.
No mean Machiavelli is smiling, cynical Sidney Kidd.
You see, Kidd is holding a dirty piece on Tracy's father. This might stop him.
Mike On Tracy's father?
That's right.
Mike Oh. Oh, so that's how Kidd got you to...That's how Liz and I were gotten in. Blackmail, huh? We all rode into this thing on a filthy blackmail. Well look. You use it. Use it with my blessings. I'm cooked. I'm through anyway. I'm not gonna hand in a story on this wedding. I'm gonna write one on Kidd.
No, no. Let me do it. I don't have to tell him where I got my facts, OK?
Mike You going my way miss?
Mike Okay, Miss Goddess To Me.
Mike The prettiest sight in this fine, pretty world is the privileged class enjoying its privileges.
You're a snob, Connor.
Mike No doubt, no doubt...Tracy. You can't marry that guy.
George? I'm going to. Why, why not?
Mike Well, I don't know. I thought I'd be for it at first, but you just don't seem to match up.
Then the fault's with me.
Mike Well, maybe so, but all the same now, you can't do it.
No?
Mike No.
Come around about noon tomorrow. I mean today. Snob.
Mike What do ya mean, snob?
You're the worst kind there is. An intellectual snob. You made up your mind awfully young, it seems to me.
Mike Well, thirty's about time to make up your mind. And I'm nothing of the sort, not Mr. Connor.
The time to make up your mind about people - is never. Yes you are, and a complete one.
Mike You're quite a girl, aren't you?
You think?
Mike Yeah, I know.
Thank you, Professor. I don't think I'm exceptional.
Mike You are though.
I know any number like me. You ought to get around more.
Mike In the upper class. No, no. No thank you.
You're just a mass of prejudices, aren't you? You're so much thought and so little feeling, Professor.
Mike Oh I am, am I?
Yes you am, are you! Your intolerance infuriates me. I should think that of all people, a writer would need tolerance. The fact is, you'll never - you can't be a first-rate writer or a first-rate human being until you've learned to have some small regard for human fra...[Suddenly, she stops, her eyes widen, and she realizes that she is repeating Dexter's words. She turns] Aren't the geraniums pretty, Professor? Is it not a handsome day that begins, Professor?
Mike All right, lay off that, Professor.
Yes, Professor.
Mike You've got all the arrogance of your class, all right, haven't you?
Halt. What have classes to do with it? What do they matter except for the people in them? George comes from the so-called lower class. Dexter from the upper...Upper and lower, my eye. I'll take the lower, thanks.
Mike If you can't get a drawing room.
What do you mean by that?
Mike My mistake.
Decidedly. You're insulting.
Mike I'm sorry.
Oh, don't apologize.
Mike Well, who's apologizing?
I never knew such a man.
Mike You wouldn't be likely to, dear, not from where you sit.
Talk about arrogance.
Mike Tracy.
What do you want?
Mike You're wonderful. [She laughs] There's a magnificence in you, Tracy.
Now, I'm getting self-conscious. It's funny. I- Mike? Let's...
Mike Yeah?
I don't know - go up I guess, it's late.
Mike A magnificence that comes out of your eyes, in your voice, in the way you stand there, in the way you walk. You're lit from within, Tracy. You've got fires banked down in you, hearth-fires and holocausts.
I don't seem to you made of bronze?
Mike No, you're made out of flesh and blood. That's the blank, unholy surprise of it. You're the golden girl, Tracy. Full of life and warmth and delight. What goes on? You've got tears in your eyes.
Shut up, shut up. Oh Mike. Keep talking, keep talking. Talk, will you?
Mike No, no. I-I've stopped.
Why? Has your mind taken hold again, dear Professor?
Mike That's really all I am to you, is it?
Of course, Professor.
Mike Are you sure?
Why, yes, yes, of course...
Golly. [She kisses him a second time] Golly Moses. All of a sudden, I got the shakes.
Mike It can't be anything like love, can it?
No! No! It mustn't be. It can't.
Mike Would it be inconvenient?
Terribly. Anyway, I know it isn't. Oh Mike, we're out of our minds.
Mike And right into our hearts.
That ought to have music.
Mike It does, doesn't it? Tracy, you're so lovely.
Oh, it's as if my insteps were melting away. What is it? Have I got feet of clay or something?
Mike Tracy...
It's not far to the pool. It's just over the lawn and in the birch-grove. It'll be lovely now.
Mike Tracy, you're tremendous...
Put me in your pocket, Mike.
Now easy old man! [To Mike] She's not hurt?
Mike No, no.
Not wounded, sire, but dead.
Mike It seems the minute she hit the water, the wine hit her.
Now look here, Connor.
A likely story, Connor.
Hello, Dexter. Hello, George. Hello, Mike. My feet are made of clay. Made of clay, did you know? Good niiiggghhhttt little man!
How are the mighty fallen! But if I know Tracy - and I know her well, she'll remember little of this. For the second time in her life, she'll draw quite a tidy blank.
Hey listen! What right have...?
A husband's, till tomorrow, Kittredge.
I know. I know. I'm sorry. But I thought I'd better hit you before he did. He's in better shape than I am.
Mike Well, you're enough.
Hello you.
Mike Hello you.
You look fine.
Mike I feel fine.
I had a simply wonderful evening. I hope you enjoyed it too.
Mike I enjoyed the last part of it.
Really? Why especially the last?
Mike Well, Tracy, are you asking me?
Oh, you mean the swim!...[They laugh together nervously] I did swim, and so forth, didn't we? Mike -
Mike Oh, Tracy, darling...
Mike -
Mike What can I say to you? Tell me, darling.
Not anything - don't say anything. And especially not 'darling.'
Mike Then you're going through with it, huh?
Through with what?
Mike The wedding.
Why, why shouldn't I?
Mike Well, I made a funny discovery. And in spite of the fact that somebody's up from the bottom, he can still be quite a heel. And even though somebody else is born to the purple, he-he can still be a very nice guy. Boy - I-I'm just repeating what you said last night.
I said a lot of things last night, it seems.
Mike Okay, no dice. Also, no regrets about last night, huh?
Why should I have?
Mike Oh Tracy, you're wonderful.
You don't know what I mean! I'm asking you - tell me straight out - tell me the reason why I should have - have! No - don't.
My dear Tracy: I want you to know that you will always be my friend, but your conduct last night was so shocking to my ideals of womanhood...that my attitude toward you and the prospect of a happy and useful life together has been changed materially. Your breach of common decency...
It's only a letter from a friend. They're my friends too. [continues to read] ...certainly entitles me to a full explanation before going through with our proposed marriage. In the light of day, I am sure that you will agree with me. Otherwise, with profound regrets and all best wishes, yours very sincerely...Yes, George, I quite agree with you - in the light of day and the dark of night, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health - and thank you so very much for your good wishes at this time...I wish for your sake, as well as mine, I had an explanation, but unfortunately I've none. You'd better just say, 'Good riddance,' George.
On the very eve of your wedding, an affair with another man.
Mike Kittredge, it may interest you to know that the so-called 'affair' consisted of exactly two kisses and a rather late swim...All of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and the memory of which I wouldn't part with for anything... After which I deposited Tracy on her bed in her room, and promptly returned down here to you two - which doubtless you'll remember.
Why? Was I so unattractive, so distant, so forbidding, or something - that - ?
Well, this is fine talk, too.
I'm asking a question.
Mike You were extremely attractive, and as for distant and forbidding, on the contrary. But you also were a little the worse - or the better - for wine, and there are rules about that.
Thank you, Mike. I think men are wonderful.
We all go haywire at times and if we don't, maybe we ought to.
A man expects his wife to ...
...behave herself, naturally.
To behave herself naturally.
If it hadn't been for that drink last night, all this might not have happened.
Apparently nothing did. What made you think it had?
Well, it didn't take much imagination!
Not much, perhaps, but just of a certain kind.
It seems you didn't think anything too well of yourself.
That's the odd thing, George. Somehow I would have hoped that you'd think better of me than I did.
I'm not going to quibble, Tracy. All the evidence was there!
And I was guilty. Straight off. That is, until I was proved innocent.
Let's let bygones be bygones. What do ya say?
Yes, and goodbye George...You're too good for me, George. You're a hundred times too good...And I'd make you most unhappy, most - That is, I'd do my best to.
George Bailey
Detective John 'Scottie" Ferguson
Jefferson Smith
Elwood P. Dowd
Charlie Anderson
Paul Bieglerv
Wylie Burp
Tom Destry, Jr.
