Celia
Where are we?
Cyril
We're in the land of poo. Duck poo, hen poo, cow poo, goat poo. Poo as far as the eye can see.
B Blenkinsop
Here we are then. Out you get.
Cyril
In fact, it's a British museum of poo.
Celia
Have you gone completely insane, Blenkinsop? Mummy would never send me to a place like this. Take me home. [screams as Vincent frightens her] You see?! They are savages. I refuse to leave the car!
Cyril
Oh, put a sock in it, Ceels! We've got no choice.
Celia
Take me home right now!
Cyril
And you know why we haven't got a choice too. So let's just stop pretending we're here because of bombs.
Celia
They're probably cannibals! Did you see that thing out the window?
Cyril
Greetings, O covered-in-poo people. Do you speak English?
Norman
You're early.
Cyril
Yes, poo man. We've come from far away. Far from the land of soap and indoor toilets.
Norman
[seeing that Cyril has grabbed Mr. Green's jam jar]
No!
Vincent
DAD'S JAM!!!
Norman
Put the jam down. [he and Cyril stare at each other]
Cyril
[scoffs]
It's only jam.
M Megsie
In case you hadn't noticed, there's a war on. We saved our sugar coupons for months to make that jam. You touch it, and I'll mash you.
Cyril
Oops. Touched it.
Celia
I'm going to wake up and this will all be a nasty dream. [Norman, Megsie and Vincent start chasing Cyril] I'm going to wake up, and I'll be in Harrods with Mummy. The shoe department. My maid tells me they have arrived, so Mummy and I have come to collect them. Would you go and fetch them for me? I'm going to wake up and there'll be some pink patent pumps.
Cyril
Ceels, catch! [slides Mr. Green's jam jar]
Celia
[still ranting]
Mummy's already ordered a beautiful pair in mauve with a matching cloak, and I gather they will be here today.
Norman
[Cyril has just indirectly shattered Mr. Green's jam jar]
That's it. They die.
Nanny McPhee
Good evening, Mrs. Green. I am Nanny McPhee.
I Isabel
Oh, you’re it! I mean, her. Who-who are you?
Nanny McPhee
I am Nanny McPhee. Small C, Big P.
I Isabel
Right. Thing is, I haven’t hired a nanny. I don’t need a nanny. I’m managing perfectly well. I never had a nanny because I don’t want a nanny.
Nanny McPhee
I am an army nanny, Mrs. Green, I have been deployed.
I Isabel
No, no, no, no there must be some mistake everything’s under control here.
Cyril
Get away from me, you oik from Hell!
I Isabel
That’s Cyril. He’s not mine. He's their cousin.
Norman
Come back here, you parasitic poshie!
I Isabel
And that's Norman. He is mine. They've just met. They're getting to know each other...through play.
Vincent
Kill the townies and eat their heads!
I Isabel
It's the war. Not a very good influence.
Nanny McPhee
Indeed. May I come in?
I Isabel
Must you? I mean, yes of course you must. Tea?
Nanny McPhee
Perhaps later. Let me introduce myself to the children.
Nanny McPhee
Why don’t you put the kettle on? I shan't be a moment.
Nanny McPhee
In the absence of any spare beds, Norman, I presume, will be sharing with Cyril?
Norman
[scoffs]
I'd rather share with a goat.
Cyril
A goat wouldn't have you, and neither will I.
Nanny McPhee
I see. Celia, Megsie, would you be willing to share the bed?
Celia
I'm not sharing anything with that vicious harpy!
M Megsie
I'd rather share with Geraldine!
Vincent
She’s our cow. And I'd rather share with...an elephant!
Nanny McPhee
Thank you, Vincent, but you will not be required to share.
Vincent
Haha! I don't have to share! I don’t have to share!
