Toula [narrating]
I had to go to Greek school, where I learned valuable lessons such as: "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?"
Played by Nia Vardalos 
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) · 42 quotes
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) · 42 quotes
Most-quoted character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002): in 18 of its 42 quotes
Most scenes with: Gus Portokalos (5), Nick (4), Ian (3)
My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek and every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.
More lines from Toula
5 quotes Toula Toula [seeing herself in her wedding gown for the first time]
I'm a snow beast!
Toula [narrating]
When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate. And I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns.
Toula [narrating]
Nice Greek girls who don't find a husband work in the family restaurant. So here I am, day after day, year after year, thirty and way past my expiration date.
Toula Ma, you gonna make me swallow my tongue!
Scenes with Toula
12 scenes
Toula, on my wedding night, my mother, she said to me, "Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen, but we are tigers in the bedroom!"
Toula Eww. Please let that be the end of your speech.
Toula Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!"
Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.
What do you do for Christmas with your family?
Toula Uh, my mom makes roast lamb.
Mmm... with mint jelly?
Toula No.
Toula And...
Toula [pause]
I'm Greek, right?
Right...?
Toula So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, 'cause it's gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other's lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, 'Cause we're always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, 'cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.
Wow.
Toula I woke up with this huge zit this morning.
Where?
Toula [points to spot on face]
There.
I had a huge zit this morning!
Toula Really? Where?
Toula Why?
I put some Windex on it.
Toula [narrating]
My dad has been saying that to me since I was fifteen. Because nice Greek girls are supposed to do three things in life: marry Greek boys, make Greek babies, and feed everyone until the day we die.
Toula [narrating]
A couple more years went by, and Dad brought his mother over from Greece to live with us. Because we weren't weird enough.
Yiayia [spoken in Greek]
Listen up, ugly Turk. You're not kidnapping me!
[Gus laughs and tries to hug her, but Yiayia suddenly hits him and runs out the door. Maria and Gus chase after her.]
Mama, please! The Greeks and the Turks friends now!
Toula [narrating]
We told my grandma the war was over, but she still slept with a knife under her pillow.
Toula [narrating]
If nagging were an Olympic sport, my Aunt Voula would win a gold medal!
Taki, you couldn't wait for me?
Taki [whispers]
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry. Don't sorry me. Ugh. Look at this, a rash. Somebody gave me the mati.
Put some Windex on. [sprays Windex on her rash]
Ohh Gus, please, please!
Voula, this works! Last night, my toe was as big as my face.
Taki [looks very interested]
Taki 'Cause, he wants to talk.
Mike [Toula is staring at Ian, oblivious that Mike and Ian notice.]
Hi?
Toula [coming back to reality]
Hi. Sorry. My brain...switched off, you know. You ever have one of those days? Going along and then...rrrrrrRRRRRRRRrrrrrr. Here I am, standing here, your own private Greek statue.
Mike [Ian laughs]
Could I, uh, get some more coffee?
Toula Sure. [pours Ian a cup and then walks off]
Toula Dad, I've been going through our inventory and, um, I've noticed that we've been doing a lot of unnecessary ordering. Um, so, I've been thinking that maybe we should update our system, like, get a computer. I don't know if you remember, but I got all A's in computers. But there's a lot of new stuff to learn now, so, um, if you want, I could go to college and, um, take a few courses.
Why? Why you want to leave me? [starts crying]
Toula [upset by her father's overreaction]
I'm not leaving you! Don't you want me to do something with my life?
Yes! Get married! Make babies! You look so...old!
Toula Portokalos I'm taking a pottery class.
I know this great place... Zorba something... anyway, I'd love to take you there if you'd like to go.
Toula Uh, that place, Dancing Zorba's...
Dancing Zorba's!
Toula My family kinda owns that place.
Toula Seating hostess, actually.
I remember you.
Toula Look, I was going through a phase until now. I was Frump Girl.
I don't remember Frump Girl, but I remember you.
Toula [voiceover]
Sometimes, I am afraid that it didn't happen. I'm scared that I'll wake up and still be buttering garlic bread, waiting for my life to start. But it did happen, it did! And I figured out some stuff. My family is big and loud, but they're my family. We fight and we laugh, and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard. And wherever I go, whatever I do, they will always be there. [scene change to Toula, Ian, and their young daughter in the present day] So, Ian and I moved into the house my parents bought us, a minute later I was pregnant, and six years later it was our daughter's turn to go to Greek School.
Daughter
But Mom, I wanna go to Brownies.
Toula I know, I know, but I promise you this, you can marry whoever you want!
