Lars Smuntz [quoting his father]
A world without string... is chaos!
Played by Lee Evans 
MouseHunt (1997) · 32 quotes
MouseHunt (1997) · 32 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in MouseHunt (1997): in 17 of its 32 quotes
Most scenes with: Ernie Smuntz (11)
Are you crazy? You're blowing the whole house up! The only thing you haven't hit so far is the mouse! Why don't you give someone else a chance with that gun? [Ernie levels the shotgun at him, and Lars immediately relents] You're doing a wonderful job.
More lines from Lars Smuntz
5 quotes Lars Smuntz Lars Smuntz Christmas isn't about complaining over what we don't have. We should be thankful for what we do have.
Lars Smuntz [explaining to Ernie how April apologized to him]
She just showed up at the factory, took off her coat, and begged me to take her. We made love in a way that I've only ever seen in nature films.
Lars Smuntz [Lars points to the hole on the floor]
Look! You blew a hole in the floor!
Lars Smuntz Ernie, It's Christmas. Instead of dwelling what we don't have. We should be thankful for what we do have.
Scenes with Lars Smuntz
11 scenes Lars [At the funeral of Rudolf Smuntz, his sons Lars and Ernie are bickering as they help carry his coffin out of the church]
Hold your end up higher. You're not holding it.
I am too.
Lars You are not.
Don't worry about me. Say, isn't that suit charcoal?
Lars No.
Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. You'd think you could find a black suit for your own father's funeral.
Lars It's black.
No, I'm sure it's gray.
Lars It's black!
Gray!
Lars Black!
Gray!
Lars Black!
Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.
Lars It doesn't matter what color it is! [Lars's handle breaks off, causing everybody else to drop the coffin down the steps] I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry! [the coffin smashes into the hearse, sending Rudolf's corpse flipping into the air and headfirst down an open manhole, The opening credits starts - "DreamWorks Pictures Presents"]
Lars Quick! Get him out of there!
Sewer worker
He's halfway to the harbor by now, bub.
Oh, well.
The Lawyer [reading the last will of Rudolf Smuntz to Ernie and Lars]
I leave you not just a model factory... but something infinitely more valuable. The future of string... itself. [Ernie opens the blade of the window and sees the factory is causing chaos, The opening credits end - "Directed by Gore Verbinski"] And thus, it is my dying wish that my two sons run Smuntz String together.
Great! Let's put a "For Sale" sign on the lawn and see what we can get.
Lars We're not supposed to sell it, Ernie. We're supposed to run it, together.
Either way, this godforsaken museum piece is not worth a dime, now is it, Lars?
Lars Some things are more important than money, Ernie.
Rudolf [In Rudolf Smuntz' flashback]
My sons...
Lars [whispering]
Ernie. Ernie!
Rudolf I want you...to have...something. My most prized possession. [He holds a string]
Lars [sighs]
Oh, it's a piece of st-string.
Rudolf Not just any string. The string. I found it my first day in America.
What's with the string?
Rudolf I've had it in my pocket for 60 years. Here! [He gives the string to Ernie and Lars] I want you two to share it. Maybe it'll bring you closer together. You haven't talked much lately.
Yeah. [He starts to tug on it]
Rudolf Ach! What are you doing?
I'm breaking it in half.
Rudolf No!
No?
Rudolf I want you to share it. Forever.
Sure, Pop, sure. You carry it the first 50 years, I'll take it the next.
Lars Sure.
And turn up the morphine drip a little.
Rudolf I heard that. [Ernie goes back to reading the magazine] Promise me... that you will never sell... Smuntz String... to one of those big conglomerates. Keep it between you. Brothers. Family. Promise.
Lars I promise, Pop. [back in the present] I promise.
When I'm in the kitchen, I cook. I can't control every single thing that goes on in there.
Lars You know, it really isn't fair for everybody to blame you. You didn't do anything wrong.
Yes, but society always needs someone to persecute. A scapegoat, someone to demonize. The same thing happened to Galileo.
Lars Really? That's unbelievable. With a cockroach, and everything?
No. The point is, I put everything I had into that restaurant. It was my livelihood, and my home. In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me. If only we could sell the factory.
Lars I'd let you stay with me, you know, but, uh, April threw me out.
Oh, that's too bad.
Lars Yeah, well, don't worry about me, though, Ernie. This is temporary. April's been like this since high school. She'll be back. I...
Well, would you look at that? Sleeping in the street. Pitiful.
Homeless Man If I had a house, I'd sleep in it!
Lars [after Ernie insults their late father]
Wow, did you feel that?
What?
Lars I got a chill. You should never talk about Pop like that.
Really? What's this do for you? [He shouts] Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!
Lars He didn't mean it, Pop.
Lars [staring at Ernie's triggered-but-empty mousetrap]
I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us!
I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. [He starts pouring the cereal he had gotten] It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that... [the mouse suddenly falls out of the cereal box] Mouse!
Lars [The brothers have covered the entire kitchen floor in baited mousetraps]
Don't you think this is a little... much?
Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say, he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, the chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says that one of them has to nab him.
Lars That's pretty smart.
Yeah, well, I like to use both sides of my brain.
Maury the Handler [Lars and Ernie are at the animal shelter in search of a suitable mouse-hunting cat.]
Find the one you want, and I'll spay or neuter it myself.
Lars Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.
Maury the Handler That's a switch. Most people want the cute little ones. Experience with what?
Mouse-hunting.
Maury the Handler Oh, all cats are good mousers.
Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of them, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably with a history of mental illness. I'm talking... one mean pussy.
Lars Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those knocking around your cages?
Maury the Handler Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him. We were about to... gas him again.
Again?
Maury the Handler [Maury the Handler leads the brothers to a chained-and-padlocked crate]
He's spent most of his life in that box, I expect...
Maury the Handler Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that, but you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy".
Lars [leaning down]
Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too, extremely ug...
Lars [The cat lunges, until Maury the Handler subdues him with a taser] [seeing his ripped coat sleeve]
Oh, you little bastard!
We'll take him!
Caesar [The brothers have hired an exterminator named Caesar, who explains his methods]
Here's your problem: normal people are not psychologically-equipped to catch mice. You have to get inside their minds, you have to know what they want, need. You have to think like a mouse. If you can do that, if you can think like a mouse, you can anticipate their moves, and then... boom! Sayōnara, mouse.
Lars Well, you've got some great stuff. [He picks up a can of pesticide]
Caesar Whoa! Never touch that! [The brothers panic and throw the can around until Caesar catches it]
Lars What is that?
Caesar The big one.
It's a flea bomb.
Caesar Works on mice, too.
Yeah? Well, it'd better! Because we can't handle any more intrusions.
Caesar Sure, that's how you perceive it. But to the mouse... You are the intruder.
[The brothers later arrive at the house to see a delirious Caesar being carried out on a stretcher by paramedics]
Oh, my God!
Lars Caesar, what happened?
Paramedic Please, sir, he's not well.
Try to think! Did you kill the mouse?
Caesar What's that? Horse?! Fiendish! I won't eat it! [He keeps ranting and raving as he's carried away]
Lars [After hearing ZeppCo's message about Ernie's proposal with them...]
Betrayed by my own brother.
Betrayal? Don't talk to me about betrayal! You should have told me about that offer! Half that factory is mine!
Lars And half is mi... And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell!
Yeah, and it would have, if it hadn't been for that stinking bus!
Lars Bus? You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything!
Me? You blame me for this?
Lars Well, look! [He points to the big hole caused from the bug bomb] You blew a hole in the floor!
Well, I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot, shoot!"
Lars Yeah, yell, you've never listened to me before!
And you know why?
Lars Why?
Because I have no respect for you! Spending your whole life in that stupid factory! It's tragic.
Lars You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have ambitions of my own?
Oh, come on, you love string.
Lars I didn't love string.
Well, you could have fooled me. You and Pop were always huddled together running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did, I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for is 70th birthday.
Lars [sighing in resignation]
Oh, no.
Yes, you remember! I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect! Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with. [He sighs] He was crazy. But I still wanted his approval. I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out.
Lars There you go again. Blaming everything else but yourself. You think you're a success. Huh? Well, you... [He points at Ernie] ...can't...cook!
I hate you!
Lars And I hate you!
Not as much as I hate you!
Lars Yeah?!
Yeah, double! Double! Oh, give me something! I'm gonna brain you!
Lars Here it is!
Oh, yeah, give it to me! Go ahead!
[In the midst of an argument, Lars throws an orange at Ernie, but the orange hits the mouse instead. Ernie sees the unconscious mouse on the table in shock]
You killed him! [He laughs with joy as Lars walks over]
Lars I didn't even know he was there!
Just think of all the trouble we could have saved ourselves if we just threw fruit at him in the first place!
Lars Look! He's still breathing!
Well, kill him, kill him! Find a blunt object! There!
Lars [Lars grabs a small shovel and prepares to finish the mouse]
There we go, get the...!
Let him have it. [Lars hesitates] What the hell are you waiting for?!
Lars I can't just hit him with a shovel.
Why not?
Lars Well, look at him, he's pathetic.
Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!
Lars Well, Ernie, he's a living thing.
Not for long! Give me that! [He snatches the shovel from Lars and prepares to kill the mouse, but hesitates] I can't! [he hits himself in the head with the shovel and starts crying] Look at him just lying there! It just doesn't feel very sportsman-like.
Lars [The mouse starts regaining consciousness]
We'd better do something quick! I think he's coming to!
