N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

[Lars and Ernie are at the animal shelter in search of a suitable mouse-hunting cat.]
Maury the Handler: Find the one you want, and I'll spay or neuter it myself.
Lars: Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.
Maury the Handler: That's a switch. Most people want the cute little ones. Experience with what?
Ernie: Mouse-hunting.
Maury the Handler: Oh, all cats are good mousers.
Ernie: Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of them, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably with a history of mental illness. I'm talking... one mean pussy.
Lars: Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those knocking around your cages?
Maury the Handler: Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him. We were about to... gas him again.
Ernie & Lars: Again?
[Maury the Handler leads the brothers to a chained-and-padlocked crate]
Maury the Handler: He's spent most of his life in that box, I expect...
Ernie: [reading a tag tied to the crate] "Catzilla"?
Maury the Handler: Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that, but you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy".
Lars: [leaning down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
Ernie: You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too, extremely ug...
[The cat lunges, until Maury the Handler subdues him with a taser]
Lars: [seeing his ripped coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!
Ernie: We'll take him!

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