Dave Stangle quotes from Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

View Quote (sitting on a tree branch with Alice) I think you’re nice.

View Quote (making out with Alice on a picnic table) Wait, there’s people everywhere.

View Quote Mike: Why aren’t you on my side, Dave?
Dave: What? I’m done with this shit, man. I’m not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I’m quitting our liquor business. There it is!
Mike: Really?
Dave: Yeah.
Mike: And what are you gonna do?
Dave: I’m gonna draw!! I’m gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom’s gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!
Mike: (stands up) You traitor!
Cousin Terry: (out on stage) I ain’t gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! (the wedding party laughs uproariously) Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? (Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike’s and Dave’s microphones on the speaker system)
Mike: You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
Cousin Terry: Ooh, I don’t think they know they’re on.
Burt: What? Where is that coming from?
Keith: I don’t know what I did!
Dave: It doesn’t matter, Mike. You’re losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry! (the adults gasp)
Cousin Terry: Try a little harder. Am I right?
Mike: You’re goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.
Burt: That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys.
Mike: I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.
Burt: The mics are on!
Dave: You’re just **** pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!
Cousin Terry: There it is!
Tatiana: It was for tickets to Rihanna!
Dave: You’re sad, man. You are sad.
Mike: I’m gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! (Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor) You wanna go?!
Dave: Don’t do it!
Mike: These are coming your way!
Dave: Just stop! (punches Mike a second time)
Rosie: God, that had to hurt!
Dave: Don’t do it again! (the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike)
Mike: Why do you keep punching me?!
Dave: Why do you keep rushing at me?!
Becky: Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that?
Mike: (enraged) This wedding is going to Hell!
Burt: Yes.
Mike: They’re out there, smiling like **** idiots, and they don’t realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran! (Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure)
Eric: I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.
Mike: I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!
Eric: GODDAMN IT!! (rushes off) Jeanie!
Mike: I HATE YOU!!! (shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt)