Joe Buck quotes from Midnight Cowboy (1969)

Joe Buck

You know what you can do with them dishes. And if you ain't man enough to do it for yourself, I'd be happy to oblige. I really would.

Joe Buck

Lotta rich women back there, Ralph, begging for it, paying for it, too...and the men - they're mostly tutti fruttis. So I'm gonna cash in on some of that, right?...Hell, what do I got to stay around here for? I got places to go, right?

Joe Buck

Well, sir, I ain't a for-real cowboy. But I am one helluva stud.

Joe Buck

You want me to stay here. You're after somethin'. What are you after? You don't look like a ****.

Joe Buck

We ain't gonna have to steal no more, that's what I'm tryin' to tell ya. I've got eight bucks in my damn pockets, twenty more come Thursday, boy. We're gonna be ridin' easy before very long, I'm gonna tell ya. She went crazy if you want to know the damn truth of it...She turned into a damn alley cat.

Joe Buck

Yours was the only one left with a palm tree on it. The clothes are damn cheap here too, you know that?

Joe Buck

Everything we got only set us back ten and some... Hey you know, Ratso. Rico, I mean. I got this damn thing all figured out. When we get to Miami, what we'll do is get some sort of job, you know. Cause hell, I ain't no kind of hustler. I mean, there must be an easier way of makin' a living than that. Some sort of outdoors work. What do ya think? Yeah, that's what I'll do. OK Rico? Rico? Rico? Hey, Rico? Rico?

Cass

I hate to ask you, but you're such a doll.

Joe

You know, Cass, that's a funny thing you mentioning money. 'Cause I was just about to ask you for some.

Cass

You were gonna ask me for money? Huh?

Joe

Hell, why do you think I come all the way up here from Texas for?

Cass

You were gonna ask me for oney? Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? Some old slut on 42nd Street? In case you didn't happen to notice it, ya big Texas longhorn bull, I'm one helluva gorgeous chick.

Joe

Now, Cass, take it easy.

Cass

You heard it. At twenty-eight years old. You think you can come up here, and pull this kind of crap up here! Well, you're out of your mind!

Joe

You really know the ropes! Damn, I wish I'd bumped into you before.

Ratso

You're pickin' trade up on the street like that. That's nowhere. I mean, you gotta get yourself some kind of management. You need my friend O'Daniel. He operates the biggest stable in town, in fact, in the whole god-damned Metropolitan area. It's stupid a stud like you paying. You don't want to be stupid.

Joe

Smells worse hot than it did cold.

Ratso

All right, startin' tomorrow, you cook your own god-damn dinner. Or you get one of your rich Park Avenue ladies to cook for you in her penthouse.

Ratso

I gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here. Miami Beach, that's where you could score. Anybody can score there, even you. In New York, no rich lady with any class at all buys that cowboy crap anymore. They're laughin' at you on the street.

Joe

Ain't nobody laughin' at me on the street.

Ratso

Behind your back, I've seen 'em laughin' at you, fella.

Joe

Aw, what the hell you know about women anyway? When's the last time you scored, boy?

Ratso

That's a matter I only talk about at confession. We're not talkin' about me now.

Joe

And when's the last time you've been to confession?

Ratso

It's between me and my confessor. And I'll tell ya another thing. Frankly, you're beginning to smell. And for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.

Joe

Well, don't talk to me about clean. I ain't never seen you change your underwear once the whole time I've been here in New York. And that's pretty peculiar behavior.

Ratso

I don't have to do that kind of thing in public. I ain't got no need to expose myself.

Joe

No, I bet you don't. I bet you ain't never even been laid! How about that? And you're gonna tell me what appeals to women!

Ratso

I know enough to know that that great big, dumb cowboy crap of yours don't appeal to nobody except every jockey on 42nd Street. That's **** stuff! You wanna call it by its name? That's strictly for ****!

Joe

John Wayne! You wanna tell me he's a ****? I like the way I look. It makes me feel good. It does. And women like me, god-dammit. Hell, only one thing I've ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me. That's a really true fact. Ratso, hell: Crazy Annie, they had to send her away.

Ratso

Then how come you ain't scored once, the whole time you've been in New York?

Joe

'Cause, 'cause I need management, god-dammit. 'Cause you stole twenty dollars offa me. That's why you're gonna stop crappin' around about Florida. And, and get your skinny butt movin.' And earn twenty dollars worth of management which you owe me.

Joe

There you go boy, there's money for ya, that's nine dollars right there plus assorted change, minus 26 cents for milk, plus 5 cents for Dentyne - gum.

Ratso

Where you been, 42nd Street? That's where you've been.

Joe

Buy yourself some medicine before you die in my damn hands.

Ratso

She's hooked.

Shirley

Like why, cowboy?

Ratso

I'd say she was good for ten bucks, but I'll ask for twenty.

Shirley

Why cowboy whore? Did you know we were gonna make it?

Ratso

So, uh, do you really want to do business?

Shirley

Who is he? Don't tell me you two are a couple!

Gretel

Why are you laughing, Joe? Are you really a cowboy?

Joe

Well, I'll tell you the truth now. I ain't a real cowboy, but I am one helluva stud.

Ratso

A very expensive stud. And I happen to be his manager.

Shirley

Incidentally, how much is this gonna cost me?

Ratso

Twenty bucks.

Shirley

OK.

Ratso

And taxi fare for me.

Shirley

Oh, get lost, will ya?

Ratso

I agree, but for that service, I charge one buck taxi fare.

Shirley

Maybe if you didn't call me ma'am, things might work out better.

Joe

That's the first god-damned time this thing ever quit on me. It's a fact. You think I'm lyin' to ya?

Shirley

No, no, I don't think you're lyin'. I just had this funny image. I had this image of a, um, policeman without his stick, and a, uh, bugler without his horn, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Well, I think I'm making it worse. Maybe we ought to take a little nap and see what happens.

Joe

I ain't sleepy.

Shirley

Oh! I know, scribbage.

Ratso

You ain't gettin' me no doctor. Nope.

Joe

When you're sick, boy, you need a damn doctor.

Ratso

Hey, no doctors, no cops. Don't be so stupid.

Joe

Well, what the hell you want me to do?

Ratso

Florida. You get me to Florida.

Joe

Oh hell, I can't go to Florida now.

Ratso

Just put me on a bus. Just put me on a bus. I don't need you.

Joe

You got the damn fever, boy. How the hell you gonna get to Florida?

Ratso

Just get me on a bus. You ain't sendin' me to Bellevue...Boy, you're really dumb. I don't need you...Dumb cowboy, boy.

Joe

Dammit. Shut up. Aw, just when things go right for me, you gotta pull a damn stunt like this.

Ratso

I've been thinkin'. I hope we're not gonna have a lot of trouble about my name down there. Because, I mean, like what's the whole point of this trip anyway, you know?

Joe

Keep your blankets on you.

Ratso

Can you see this guy runnin' around the beach all sun-tanned, and he's goin' in swimmin' like, and somebody yells 'Hey, Ratso!' What's that sound like to you?

Joe

It sounds like I knew ya.

Ratso

It sounds like crap, admit it. I'm Rico all the time, OK? We're gonna tell all these new people my name's Rico. OK?

Joe

OK.

Ratso

Here I am goin' to Florida, my leg hurts, my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts, and if that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself. [Joe chuckles] That's funny? I'm fallin' apart here.

Joe

You just took a little rest stop that wasn't on the schedule.