MIB Customs Agent
Any fruit or vegetables?
Men in Black II quotes
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MIB Guard
[after J and K come to stop Serleena, he's reading a tabloid that says "Satan Escapes from Hell."]
It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.
Newton [to J and K]
Gentlemen...before I roll the tape, there's just one question I need to ask; what's up with anal probing? I mean, aliens travel hundreds of universes just to check out our-
Peter Graves Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that "never happened" from one of their files that "doesn’t exist".
[holding Ben, disguised as a pizzeria owner, hostage; Laura is hiding in the kitchen witnessing this]
Two slices of pepperoni, and any information you might have about the Light of Zartha.
Ben Please, whoever you are, don’t hurt me!
Where’s the Light, Ben?
Ben I don't know what you're talking about. Please let me down, ma'am!
[A noise goes off in the kitchen. Serleena uses her head to direct Scrad and Charlie towards it.]
There. Noise. Kitchen!
Scrad Oh!
Scrad Wind blew the door open.
Charlie [Charlie comes out of his backpack]
Nothin' out of the ordinary!
[To Ben]
For 25 years, I've been traveling the universe, looking for it. But it never left Earth, did it Ben? You kept it here!
Ben What are you talking about?
I'm running out of time! Where's the Light of Zartha?
Ben I swear, I don't know what you're-
Listen Zarthan, you know where the Light is, and I will find it. Once we have the Light, Zartha will be ours.
Ben [in alien voice]
You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight, the Light will leave the third planet and be back home. Sorry you made the trip for nothing.
Charlie [Serleena growls, her finger becomes one of her tentacles, whips Ben with it, his insides vaporize, and only his skin falls to the floor. Scrad and Charlie look down at it.]
Got nothin’ out of him! Now we don't know if it's here or not!
He said "third planet." It's here, you idiot.
Scrad [whispering]
3rd Rock from the Sun.
Charlie I never got that until now!
It's on Earth, and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.
Worms
Once you've had worm, that’s what you'll yearn!
How'd it go?
Michael Jackson
Drolacks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Good work.
Michael Jackson
Zed? What about that position you promised me in Men in Black?
Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program, I'll keep you posted.
Michael Jackson
Wait a minute, that's not what you promised me!
You're– you're breaking up!
Michael Jackson
Zed? Hello? I could be Agent M!
[Zed hangs up on him]
I thought it'd put things in perspective for you.
No, Kay, that's actually kinda sad, man. Really, we need to let them outta there. I mean, they need to know the world is bigger than that.
[sighs]
Still a rookie. [opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door]
Whoa.
Actually it came wit a black dude, but he kept gettin’ pulled over.
(Note: Will Smith improvised this line, which the producers liked so much they added it to the theatrical trailer)
He doesn't work when we're in hyperspeed.
I could really use a steering wheel!
We don't have no damn steering wheel! This is what we got! [turns off auto pilot] Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?
What is a Gameboy?!?
Kid? You know, while you were away lickin’ stamps, I saved the world from a Kreelon invasion.
The Kreelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
Yup. I'm about to attack one of the most feared aliens...with four worms and a mailman. [Aims the gun at the doors] Let's make it hot.
No, no, wait, wait...
[Agent J fires a blast at MIB HQ and they all get sucked in due to the pressurization]
A code 101 lockdown!
I know, I know! The building gets pressurized. Nothin’ in, nothin’ out. I knew that.
Yeah, you knew that. Front and center, worms!
Worm You got it.
MIB Guard
[Hot dogs from the cart blow in due to the pressurization with the umbrella blocking the hole Agent J made and litter the floor] [brushing off a hot dog that landed on him; reading a tabloid that says "Satan Escapes from Hell."]
It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.
Mannix [Mannix lands in the control room.]
Shut down power, shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing, uh- yeah. [Presses the button which turns off all the power in MIB]
Mannix Sorry.
[After K calls for him to leave, to Newton and Hailey]
Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
[After neuralizing Newton and Hailey]
Okay, first, get some contact lenses, ‘cause joints look like they can pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia... move your bum ass out of your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.
[after seeing the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures’ ”large adult entertainment section”]
That's just nasty.