Agent J quotes from Men in Black II (2002)

The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all woulda been eaten. 'Cause you don't listen. You ignorant. How a man gon' come bashin' thru a subway win-- That's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, we seen it all." "Oh no! A 600 ft. worm! Save us, Mr Black Man!" And ask ya nice move to the next car! Y'all sit there like...
[Neuralizes subway passengers again] The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. We hope that you enjoyed our new, smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. [walks off, neuralizing Capt. Lawrence Bridgewater, MTA in the process]

How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?

Jeff, I am so not in a mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!

I will lay the smackdown on your candy ass! (In homage to The Rock)

Sweet dreams, big boy!

Transit Authority, people! We need to move to the forward car, there's a bug in the electrical system. [passengers ignore him] Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!

About to lay the smack-down on your candy ass! (In homage to The Rock)

Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, "Flush me J., Flush me." and I'd be like, "Naw."

WORMS!!

Okay, first, get some contact lenses, ‘cause joints look like they can pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia... move your bum ass out of your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.

Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

That's just nasty.

Man, tell it to the hand.

So what's it like on the outside? Not doin’ this every day?

Frank

You're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key...

Frank, get your head in the car before before I roll it up in there.

Frank

Got it! [Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]

FRANK!!

You didn't see a room full of weapons or four alien nightcrawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your lives.

Which could be the next 27, 28 minutes, so get to the loving and cherishing. Oh, and she can stay up late as she wants and can have cookies, candy, and cakes and stuff.

Didn't your mother give you a Gameboy!!??

WHAT IS A GAMEBOY!!!!?

So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?

MIB's a mess let's go.

Frank

"... and I learned to get along, and so you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, go on, now go, walk out the door..."

Frank! Bring your head in this window before I roll it up in there.

Frank

Got it! [Starts humming the melody, looking anxiously out the window]

FRANK!

Wait, what are you doing?

I always did the driving.

Oh, no.

I remember that.

No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn (referring to the Crown Victoria). See, I drive the new hotness (referring to the Mercedes). [points at Kay] Old and busted. [points at himself] New hotness. [K looks at J for a second, then J hands the keys over] Old, busted hotness.

Does that come standard?

Actually it came wit a black dude, but he kept gettin’ pulled over.
(Note: Will Smith improvised this line, which the producers liked so much they added it to the theatrical trailer)

Here's my communicator, in case you need it.

Whooooh! Nice move.

Okay. Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

Laura

Which one's Neeble?

Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?

Neeble

Yo, mama!

Mannix

Oy, Neeble.

Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

Twister!

It is not automatic piloting.

He doesn't work when we're in hyperspeed.

I could really use a steering wheel!

We don't have no damn steering wheel! This is what we got! [turns off auto pilot] Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?

What is a Gameboy?!?

Laura

It's not fair.

Never is.

Kid?

Yeah.

Thanks for bringin’ me back.

No problem.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you have let her go?

So what's it like on the outside? Not doin’ this every day?

It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city.

So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?

MIB's a mess. Let's go, kid.

Let's go? Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey just saw our little event. Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool.

What you...?

Kid, I'll get you trained yet.

I want one of those.

Newton

Gentlemen...before I roll the tape, there's just one question I need to ask; what's up with anal probing? I mean, aliens travel hundreds of universes just to check out our-

Boy, move!

Kevin. Heh. Wow. Kevin. That's funny. You don't have a ”Kevin”... You don't remember me, but we used to work together.

I never worked in a funeral home. Somethin’ I can do for you, Slick?

Okay. Straight to the point. [whispers in a serious voice] You are a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We're the Men in Black. We have a situation, and we need your help.

There's a free mental health clinic at the corner of Lilac and East Valley. Next!

Excuse me.

Hey.

20 Rugrats stamps, please.

Elizabeth. The United States Postal Service hasn't quite kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps.

No.

Opera legends?

No.

American Samoa?

No.

Amish quilts?

No.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Got a world to save here. [turns back to K] There was no coma. It was all a cover.

Who are you?

The question is, who are you?

I'm the postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave these premises.

Mannix

Shut down power, shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing, uh- yeah. [Presses the button which turns off all the power in MIB]

Worms!

Mannix

Sorry.

You ready, kid?

Kid? You know, while you were away lickin’ stamps, I saved the world from a Kreelon invasion.

The Kreelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?

You know what you're doin’?

Yup. I'm about to attack one of the most feared aliens...with four worms and a mailman. [Aims the gun at the doors] Let's make it hot.

No, no, wait, wait...

A code 101 lockdown!

I know, I know! The building gets pressurized. Nothin’ in, nothin’ out. I knew that.

Yeah, you knew that. Front and center, worms!

Worm

You got it.

It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.

Why'd you put them rats in my locker, man?

I thought it'd put things in perspective for you.

No, Kay, that's actually kinda sad, man. Really, we need to let them outta there. I mean, they need to know the world is bigger than that.

Still a rookie. [opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door]

Frank

Whoa.