Jack Byrnes quotes from Meet the Fockers (2004)

Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!

Now, I've never met your parents, so I'm not going to jump to any hasty conclusions. But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have a much better idea of where you're going.

I said "No monkey business"!

I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.

We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.

So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.

Dina Byrnes

Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet?

Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion.
[Mr. Jinx purrs]

That's not the sign for poop, that's the sign for milk! This is the sign for poop! [Does "poop" gesture]

Greg

Well, what's the sign for sour milk, because this, uh, tastes a little funky.

That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.
[Greg spits it out. L.J. giggles.]

Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?

Greg Focker

Love, friendship... just love, I think.

His legacy.

Greg Focker

That, too.

If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

Greg Focker

It was Barry Poppins.

What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

It was your idea?

Yes.

What is wrong with you people?!

You people?

Dina Byrnes

I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

Greg Focker

Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.

The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

Greg Focker

Mom...

What are you saying?

I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.

And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

Pam Byrnes

Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.

I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

The Little Jack in me? [Greg is getting extremely frustrated]

Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?

Greg Focker

Mom, stop.

Key question!

My guess is no.

Would you spare my the drugstore psychology?

Greg Focker

Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! [the arguing stops] Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

Dina Byrnes

Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack! He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.

Greg Focker

What?!

Dina Byrnes

I found this in his pocket.

Pam Byrnes

Here we go again, Dad.

Dina Byrnes

He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date!

Greg Focker

Wait a minute. Yes. Yes! Wait a minute! You stuck a needle in my neck!

You drugged my son?!

I had no choice. He refuses to tell the truth.

Because he's terrified and thinks he has to impress you. He's had us trying to impress you, but in my opinion, Jack, I think it's you, who should be trying to impress us!

Yes! There you go, Jacko! Yes! Man, we're gonna have a grandchild! Come on, we should be celebrating.

How could you not see it? Greg is completely unfit to handle a child. He's neglected his own son for 15 years.

Greg

Hey, Jack, I didn't even know he existed.

That's right.

Oh, who knows what to believe with you? You're dishonest about everything.

Dina

You're so much better, Jack? Why don't you tell everybody what you did last night to Greg at the party?

Muskrat, Dina.

Dina

Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack! He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.

Greg

What?!

Dina

I found this in his pocket.

Pam

Here we go again, Dad.

Dina

He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date!

Greg

Wait a minute. Yes, yes! Wait a minute! You stuck a needle in my neck!

You drugged my son?

I had no choice. He refuses to tell the truth.

Because he's terrified and thinks he has to impress you. He's had us trying to impress you. But in my opinion, Jack, I think it's you who should be trying to impress us!

Jack, you've insulted me, my wife, my son, our entire way of life. I've sat back and taken it, but now you've crossed the line, sir, and I am going to have to kick your ass.