I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
It was Barry Poppins.
What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
It was your idea?
Yes.
What is wrong with you people?!
You people?
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Mom...
What are you saying?
I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.
I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
The Little Jack in me? [Greg is getting extremely frustrated]
Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?
Mom, stop.
Key question!
My guess is no.
Would you spare my the drugstore psychology?
[everyone starts arguing]
Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! [the arguing stops] Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
