I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
RF Roz Focker
Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
What is wrong with you people?!
BF Bernie Focker
You people?
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
RF Roz Focker
The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
RF Roz Focker
I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.
I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
RF Roz Focker
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
The Little Jack in me? [Greg is getting extremely frustrated]
RF Roz Focker
Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?
BF Bernie Focker
Key question!
RF Roz Focker
My guess is no.
Would you spare my the drugstore psychology?
[everyone starts arguing]
Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! [the arguing stops] Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
[high on Truth Serum, giving a speech]
Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
Pam Byrnes Love you, baby! (blows kiss)
[drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses]
I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and... [blabbers incoherently] rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN... [sees Jorge] In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet, sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabel.
Pam Byrnes Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes Please... sit.
We conceived a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. This is the fruit of my loins. Come on! Search your feelings, Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. [everyone applauds] Oh, and Jack? PAM'S PREGNANT. [Pam gasps in horror] Focker... out. [falls backward, passing out]
Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack! He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.
[holds up the truth serum vial]
I found this in his pocket.
Pam Byrnes [annoyed]
Here we go again, Dad.
He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date!
[suddenly remembering what happened]
Wait a minute. Yes. Yes! Wait a minute! You stuck a needle in my neck!
RF Roz Focker
You drugged my son?!
I had no choice. He refuses to tell the truth.
RF Roz Focker
[defensively]
Because he's terrified and thinks he has to impress you. He's had us trying to impress you, but in my opinion, Jack, I think it's you, who should be trying to impress us!
