The producers would like to thank all the fish who have taken part in this film. We hope that other fish will follow the example of those who have participated, so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, and put aside their petty difference, cease pursuing and eating each other and live for a brighter, better future for all fish, and those who love them.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Carribean:
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick
So, three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend
Your Percy, or your ****
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't a-come a-back
Oh, thank you very much!
Fish 1 Oh Shit! It's Mr Creosote!
Ah, good afternoon, Sir, and how are we today?
Better.
Better?
Better get a bucket; 'm going to throw up.
. . .
Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif, or would he prefer to order straight away?
Uh, today we 'ave for appetizers -- excuse me.
Uh, moules marinières, pât? de foie gras, Beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireau -- that's leek tart -- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd -- c'est-à -dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pur?ed mushroom; it's very delicate, very subtle.
'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur! And now, 'ow would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezher in a bucket?
Yeah... with the eggs on top.
. . .
Would monsieur care for a wafer thin mint?
Nah, **** off, 'm full.
. . .
We have to go -- um -- 'm having rather heavy period.
And... we... have a train to catch.
Yes... of course. We have a train to catch. And I don't want to start bleeding over the seats.
The universe itself keeps expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whizz,
As fast as it can go,
At the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute,
And that's the fastest speed there is,
So, remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
I used to work in the Acad?mie Française, but it didn't do me any good at all.
And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid, but it didn't teach me nothing, I recall.
And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key -
but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from nine till six, read every volume through -
but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older, it got more difficult to see,
'till eventually me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad.
So now 'm... cleaning up in here. But I can't be really sad.
'Cause you see... I feel that life's a game. You sometimes win or lose.
And 'though I may be down right now, at least I don't work for Jews.
'm so sorry. I... I had no idea we had a-a racist working here. I-I-I apologise most sincerely. I mean, whoa--
W-where're you going? No-- I can explain, uh... eh, quel dommage.
. . .
You know... one day, my... my mother, she put me on her knee and she said to me, "Gaston, my son, the world is a beautiful place. You must go into it and... love everyone, try to make everyone happy, and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go." And so, I became a waiter!
Well, it's... it's not much of a philosophy, I know. But, well... **** you! I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. **** off! Don't come following me!
Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett, you have been convicted by twelve good persons and true... of the crime of first-degree making of gratuitous, sexist jokes in a moving picture.
I just can't go on. I'm not good any more, goodbye... goodbye... aaaargh... Aaaargh.
Oh my God. What'll I do? I can't live without him... I... aaaargh.
Mummy... Mummy... Mummy... Daddy...?
[Two more leaves fall] '
Oh no! Aaaargh!
Yes? [Pause.] Is it about the hedge?
You mean... to...?
Take you... away. That is my purpose. I... am... Death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
don't see it that way, Geoff. Let me tell you what we're dealing with here. A potentially positive learning experience that can—
SHUT UP! Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans. You talk, and you talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this". Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
Dead?
Dead!
All of us?
All... of... you.
Now, look here! You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and—
Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so **** pompous. None of you have got any balls at all.
How did we all die at the same time?
Dearest, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
Is it a boy or a girl?
Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression. PND is what we doctors call it. So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super 8.
“... And spotteth twice, they, the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda: he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon. And there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots." Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God.
O Lord...
O Lord...
... ooh, You are so big...
... ooh, You are so big...
... so absolutely huge.
... so absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
... and barefaced flattery.
But You're so strong and, well, just so... super.
Fantastic!
Amen.
Amen.
Now, two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain?
Oh, Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
In a Rotissomat...
Look. I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just— just one.
All right. Just one.
Just the one, monsieur. Voilà. [places the mint in his mouth] Bon appétit! [dives behind a cordon as Mr Creosote swells up and explodes] Thank you, sir, and now here's the check.
Hello. Uh... can we have your liver?
What?
Your liver. It's a large, uh... glandular organ in your abdomen.
You know, it's, uh... it's reddish-brown; it's sort of, uh...
Yeah, y-yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it! I...
Go on, sir! Don't muck us up, now!
Hel-lo! What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
Need we say more?
No!
Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.
No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.
Agh.
Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Zip it up.
So, remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth!
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger-all down here on planet Earth.
Which brings us once again to the urgent realization if how much there is still left to Own. Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about hats again?
Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough.
Is this true?
Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research...
"Not wearing enough"? Enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... has anyone noticed that building there before?!
Good Lord!
Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it. [another skyscraper falls down on the Crimson Permanent Assurance building] Thank you.
Well, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right — stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could, quite simply, disappear! That is why we'll always need an army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise.
DON'T STAND THERE GAWPING! LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE HAND O' GOD BEFORE!
RIGHT! TODAY WE ARE GOING TO GO MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE! That is, unless any of you has got anything better to do? WELL?! Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than marching up and down the square?
[Atkinson tentatively raises a hand] :
Yes? Atkinson? :[strides over and stares him contemptuously in the face]: What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?
Well, frankly, sir, rather be at home with the wife and kids.
WOULD YOU, NOW?!
Yes, sir.
Right! Off you go. Now, everybody else happy with my little plan of marching up and down the square a bit?
Soldier Sarge?
Yes?
Soldier I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
Right, you go read your book then. Now, everybody else quite content to join in with my little scheme of marching up and down the square?
Sarge?
What is it, Whickley?
Well, I'm, er...learning the piano.
LEARNING THE PIANO?!
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose you'd like to go practice, eh? [starts talking much faster] Marching up and down the square not good enough for you, eh?
Yes, Sarge.
Right! Off you go. What about the rest of you? Rather be off to the pictures, I suppose. [the soldier murmur agreement] ALL RIGHT! Off you go. [they disperse; Sergeant Major turns to camera] Bloody Army, don't know what it's coming to! Right! Sergeant Major marching up and down the square! Left, right, left...
Ah, morning, Perkins.
Thank you, sir.
What's all the trouble, then?
Bitten, sir, during the night.
Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.
How's it feel?
Stings a bit.
Hmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it. That's, er...quite a bite you've got there.
Yes, real beauty, isn't it?
Any idea how it happened?
None whatsoever, complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many!
You must have a hell of a hole in your net...
Well, we sent for the doctor.
Oh, hardly worth it, is it?
Oh, yes, better safe than sorry...
Yes, good Lord, look at this!
By Jove! That's enormous!
You don't think it'll come back, do you?
For more, you mean. You're right, we'd better get this stitched.
Hello, Doctor, during the night, Ol' Perkins here got his leg bitten sort of ... off.
Oh, really? Well, let's take a look at this one leg of yours. [prods with the tip of his pipe] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
Oh, good.
Eh, there's a lot of it about — probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing any football try and favor the other leg.
. . .
So, it'll, uh... it'll just grow back again, will it?
Ah... I think I'd... better come clean with you about this. It's, um... it's... not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call "very, very small". So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. What we're looking here for is, I think — and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear — is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth about eleven feet long, and of the genus felis horribilis — what we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.
A tiger?
A tiger?
A tiger, in Africa?
Hmm?
A tiger, in Africa?!
Ah, well, it- it has... probably escaped from a zoo.
Doesn't sound very likely to me.
Soldier Here is better than home, eh, sir? I mean, at home if you kill someone they arrest you, here they'll give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. I mean, I killed fifteen of those buggers. Now, at home they'd hang me, here they'll give me a **** medal, sir.
Bloody Army, I dunno what it's coming to! Right, then! Sergeant Major, marching up and down the square: go! Left, right, left right...
Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army.
RUBBISH!
Shh!
Eric Idle:
Graham Chapman:
John Cleese:
Michael Palin: