N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

[Mr Brown answers the door of his home to find two men dressed in white labcoats.]
Labcoat #1: Hello. Uh... can we have your liver?
Mr Brown: What?
Labcoat #1: Your liver. It's a large, uh... glandular organ in your abdomen.
[Mr Brown just stares at the labcoated men.]
Labcoat #1: You know, it's, uh... it's reddish-brown; it's sort of, uh...
Mr Brown: Yeah, y-yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it! I...
[The labcoated men push into the house. The second man holds Mr Brown against the wall.]
Labcoat #2: Go on, sir! Don't muck us up, now!
[The first labcoated man searches him and pulls out a card.]
Labcoat #1: Hel-lo! What's this, then?
Mr Brown: A liver donor's card.
Labcoat #1: Need we say more?
Labcoat #2: No!
Mr Brown: Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.
Labcoat #1: No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.
Mr Brown: Agh.
Labcoat #2: Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
[The Labcoats remove and break Mr Brown's liver.]
Mr. Brown: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Labcoat #1: Zip it up.
Man in Pink: [singing] So, remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth!
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger-all down here on planet Earth.

[Large corporate boardroom filled with suited executives]
Exec #1: Which brings us once again to the urgent realization if how much there is still left to Own. Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
Exec #2: Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
Exec #3: What was that about hats again?
Exec #2: Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough.
Exec #1: Is this true?
Exec #4: Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research...
Exec #3: [Interrupting] "Not wearing enough"? Enough for what purpose?
Exec #5: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... has anyone noticed that building there before?!
[all of the board members are worried]
Chairman: Good Lord!
[It's the return of The Crimson Permanent Assurance! A pirate goes out of it and crashes through the window.]
Chairman: Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
Offscreen Projectionist: We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it. [another skyscraper falls down on the Crimson Permanent Assurance building] Thank you.

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