N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Singer (an imitation of Noël Coward): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Carribean:
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick
So, three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend
Your Percy, or your ****
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't a-come a-back
Oh, thank you very much!
[A fine restaurant serves a grossly obese man, Mr Creosote, who frequently engages in projectile vomiting.]
Fish 1: Oh Shit! It's Mr Creosote!
Maître-D': Ah, good afternoon, Sir, and how are we today?
Mr Creosote: Better.
Maître-D': Better?
Mr Creosote: Better get a bucket; 'm going to throw up.
. . .
Maître-D': Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif, or would he prefer to order straight away?
[The maître-d' places the menu on Mr Creosote's stomach, who promptly vomits on it.]
Maître-D': Uh, today we 'ave for appetizers -- excuse me.
[The maître-d' clears his throat and shakes off the vomit from his arm.]
Maître-D': Uh, moules marinières, pât? de foie gras, Beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireau -- that's leek tart -- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd -- c'est-à -dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pur?ed mushroom; it's very delicate, very subtle.
Mr Creosote: 'll have the lot.
Maître-D': [Pause] A wise choice, monsieur! And now, 'ow would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezher in a bucket?
Mr Creosote: Yeah... with the eggs on top.
. . .
Maître-D: Would monsieur care for a wafer thin mint?
Mr Creosote: Nah, **** off, 'm full.
. . .
Wife of Guest: We have to go -- um -- 'm having rather heavy period.
[awkward pause]
Guest: And... we... have a train to catch.
Wife: Yes... of course. We have a train to catch. And I don't want to start bleeding over the seats.

  »   More Quotes from
  »   More Quotes from
  »   Back to the