Marty Mauser
It's all right. I'm Jewish. I can say that. In fact, if you think about it, I'm like Hitler's worst nightmare.
A line from Marty Mauser
I'm going to do to Kletzki what Auschwitz couldn't. Okay, I'm gonna finish the job.
More lines from Marty Mauser
6 quotes Marty Mauser
Marty Mauser
I have a purpose. If you think that it's some kind of blessing it's not. It means I have an obligation to see a very specific thing through.
Marty Mauser
Everything in my life's falling apart but I'm going to figure it out.
Marty Mauser
I give you meaning, and he gives you money.
Marty Mauser
It's every man for himself where I come from. That's just how I grew up.
Marty Mauser
Do you know what continence is, Wally? No? Every time I take a piss, I pull back, I hold my urine in, and I count to ten Mississippi.
Scenes with Marty Mauser
7 scenes
Reporter 1
This is a nice hotel.
Marty Mauser
Yeah.
Reporter 1
Must cost a mint.
Marty Mauser
Yeah, very nice.
Reporter 1
The IATT covers accommodations?
Marty Mauser
Only for their star players.
Reporter 1
Is that right? How many are there?
Marty Mauser
Star players? I don’t know. I haven’t seen any others, so one.
Reporter 2
Any nerves, going into the semis?
Marty Mauser
Nerves? Against Kletzki? No. You kidding me?
Reporter 3
Well, he’s won the tournament for the last three years.
Reporter 2
He’s got quite the reputation.
Marty Mauser
I have quite the reputation. Look, I’m gonna do to Kletzki what Auschwitz couldn’t. Okay. I’m gonna finish the job.
Reporter 2
Jesus Christ.
Reporter 1
A little strong, mate.
Marty Mauser
It’s all right. I’m Jewish. I can say that. In fact, if you think about it, I’m like Hitler’s worst nightmare.
Reporter 2
And why’s that?
Marty Mauser
Look at me. I’m here. I did it, I’m on top. I’m the ultimate product of Hitler’s defeat. Yeah, write that down. That was good. Write that down.
Reporter 4
Nice one. “Ultimate product of Hitler’s defeat.” I do like that confidence.
Marty Mauser
Put that under a picture of me.
Reporter 1
Tell us a bit about your background.
Marty Mauser
My background? [mimics snoring] No, but seriously... My mother died in childbirth. My father was a compulsive loser who abandoned me when I was two years old. I got stuck in the New York City orphanage system, got shuttled from one hellhole to the next. Naturally, got in trouble with the law.
Reporter 2
Isn’t that Kay Stone?
Marty Mauser
I don’t want any of that to define me. Excuse me. Excuse me. What?
Reporter 3
It’s Kay Stone over there. That’s her.
Marty Mauser
Who’s that?
Reporter 2
Well, you know, the movie actress. Like, from the 1930s. Opportunities.
Marty Mauser
Opportunities?
Reporter 1
That was good. Yeah, yeah. Great movie. Black Box. My dad loved her. Yeah.
Reporter 2
Yeah.
Marty Mauser
She was big?
Reporter 3
She was huge.
Reporter 1
Came and went. That’s her.
Reporter 3
That’s Hollywood, mate.
Reporter 1
Yeah. It’s her.
Reporter 2
It is indeed. Something about a lake?
Reporter 1
Shadow Lake.
Reporter 2
Yeah, that was good.
Reporter 1
Great legs. Gorgeous, mate. Gorgeous.
Reporter 2
Think I have a chance, lads?
Marty Mauser
Next question.
Kay Stone
[calling her from his room]
Hello?
Marty Mauser
Kay?
Kay Stone
Speaking.
Marty Mauser
Hey, it’s Marty Mauser. I’m in the Royal Suite. I saw you in the lobby yesterday.
Kay Stone
Okay.
Marty Mauser
Yeah, we made eye contact. I was being interviewed. [Kay scoffs]
Kay Stone
I don’t recall.
Marty Mauser
Well, I’m a huge admirer.
Kay Stone
Okay. Can I help you with something?
Marty Mauser
Maybe. I just ordered one of everything off the room service menu. There’s no way I’ll be able to eat it all alone.
Kay Stone
Ah. So you’d like me to come up to your room?
Marty Mauser
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Kay Stone
Perhaps I should send my husband instead.
Marty Mauser
Sure. He can come up here, and I’ll come down to you.
Kay Stone
Wonderful. Thank you. Goodbye.
Marty Mauser
Wait. I wanna keep talking.
Kay Stone
[scoffs]
Why is that?
Marty Mauser
Because I’ve never talked to an actual movie star.
Kay Stone
Well, now you have. I hope the experience was all you thought it would be.
Marty Mauser
You know, I’m something of a performer too.
Kay Stone
Are you?
Marty Mauser
Yeah. You don’t believe me?
Kay Stone
I... [stammers]
Marty Mauser
You... What? What?
Kay Stone
You’re a performer?
Marty Mauser
Yeah, I’m a performer. You got the Daily Mail in front of you?
Kay Stone
Uh, I do have it, yes.
Marty Mauser
Okay. Well, turn to page 12.
Kay Stone
[sighs]
Uh... Page 12. Okay. What am I looking at here?
Marty Mauser
Down the middle, in the center. Uh.
Kay Stone
This is you?
Marty Mauser
Yeah, “the chosen one.” It’s a nice picture, right?
Kay Stone
Ping pong?
Marty Mauser
I play table tennis. I’m here competing in the British Open.
Kay Stone
How old are you?
Marty Mauser
I’m 23.
Kay Stone
Twenty three. Yeah. I bet you can’t name one film I’ve done.
Marty Mauser
What makes you say that?
Kay Stone
Because I stopped acting before you were born.
Marty Mauser
Really? That’s really interesting. Mmhmm.
Milton Rockwell
Kay, did you use my razor to shave your legs? It’s dull. I’ve cut myself.
Kay Stone
No.
Marty Mauser
Who’s that? Your husband?
Milton Rockwell
I guess someone must’ve snuck in and chopped wood with it.
Kay Stone
I’m on the phone.
Marty Mauser
Holy shit. With whom?
Kay Stone
Debbie.
Milton Rockwell
Debbie.
Marty Mauser
Debbie?
Milton Rockwell
Tell her to get a life.
Marty Mauser
Is he gone?
Kay Stone
Mmhmm.
Marty Mauser
Okay. So, why’d you stop acting? Let’s talk about that.
Kay Stone
You know, I really have to go.
Marty Mauser
You must miss it, don’t you? Come watch me play at Wembley tomorrow.
Kay Stone
I... I can’t.
Marty Mauser
Come on. You can watch me dethrone the number one ranked player in the world.
Kay Stone
I’m not available.
Marty Mauser
Oh, yeah? What you got going on?
Kay Stone
Actually, I have a big promotional event to attend to for my husband.
Marty Mauser
Oh, okay. What’s he promoting?
Kay Stone
Pens.
Marty Mauser
[laughs]
Pens? Are you serious? Pens. Like, writing pens?
Kay Stone
Yes.
Marty Mauser
What, like, he’s a pen salesman? How can you afford the suite you’re in?
Kay Stone
He owns Rockwell Ink.
Marty Mauser
Oh. Okay. Well... Yes. I know Rockwell Ink.
Kay Stone
I’m sure you do.
Marty Mauser
[chuckles]
Okay. Well, what’s the event?
Kay Stone
He’s hired Agatha Christie to sign books at Hatchards.
Marty Mauser
Ooh. That sounds really boring.
Kay Stone
Okay. [hangs up and Marty calls again] Oh, for God’s sake. [answers] What is it? [sighs]
Marty Mauser
Don’t hang up. Just one question. Does your room face the street or the courtyard?
Kay Stone
I don’t know.
Marty Mauser
Just answer the question. Is it facing the street or the courtyard?
Kay Stone
The courtyard.
Marty Mauser
Okay. I need you to go to the window. What floor are you on?
Kay Stone
I’m on the third floor, I believe.
Marty Mauser
Third floor. Okay, perfect. Look across the street. You see the open window with a bowl of fruit on the table?
Kay Stone
I do.
Marty Mauser
Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna make an apple appear in that bowl. And if I do, you’re gonna blow off your little rendezvous and come watch me play.
Kay Stone
No, no, no. I’m not agreeing to anything, no.
Marty Mauser
You don’t have to agree to anything. I’m gonna do it anyway. Okay? One... two... three. [Marty throws an apple knocking other fruit out of bowl] I’ll leave a ticket for you at the box office. [Marty hangs up]
Wally
Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
Marty Mauser
How 'bout I put my penis where your mouth is?
Ira Mizler
[Marty and Rachel were embraced]
What's this?
Rachel Mizler
Marty's father just died. I was consoling him.
Ira Mizler
Bullshit.
Marty Mauser
Ira, this is my friend since I was 8 years old.
Ira Mizler
Am I talking to you?
Marty Mauser
Now you are.
Rachel Mizler
Marty, don't...
Ira Mizler
No. Keep going. I'll rip that unibrow right off his **** forehead.
Marty Mauser
You wanna get physical with me? Like an ape?
Marty Mauser
How much is he paying you?
Officer Sal
What's that?
Marty Mauser
You heard me.
Murray Norkin
That's enough, Marty!
Marty Mauser
No! How much is my uncle paying you to scare me?
Officer Sal
Excuse me?
Marty Mauser
Cause whatever it is, I'll double it for you to suck my dick.
Officer Sal
What did you just say to me?
Marty Mauser
Ugh, brush your teeth. What'd you, gargle diarrhea... [the cop hits him]
Murray Norkin
Hey, hey, hey!
Marty Mauser
He hit me, Murray! He hit me!
Rachel Mizler
Aren't you going to say something?
Marty Mauser
Uh... Congratulations?
Rachel Mizler
Congratulations? Are you... I've been trying to get in touch with you for 8 months!
Marty Mauser
I wouldn't know. I've...
Rachel Mizler
I left a million messages with your service!
Marty Mauser
Look, I can see what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work.
Rachel Mizler
Excuse me?
Marty Mauser
It's not mine, Rachel.
Rachel Mizler
It is absolutely yours.
Marty Mauser
I pull out! I pull out, does Ira pull out?
Rachel Mizler
What are you saying...
Marty Mauser
It's a simple question, just answer it yes or no. [Rachel cries]
Milton Rockwell
Ah Marty, gimme the paddle. Ok, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to bend over that chair and drop your pants.
Marty Mauser
For real?
Milton Rockwell
You've been a really a bad boy and now you're going to get a spanking.
Marty Mauser
Oh come on.
Milton Rockwell
You want to get to Japan, don't you?
Marty Mauser
Yes, but...
Milton Rockwell
Well, that's what it's going to take.
Marty Mauser
So to be clear, you're going to bring me to Japan and then compensate me.
Milton Rockwell
Correct. We leave from Laguardia at 8am.
Marty Mauser
Uh, do I need a ticket?
Milton Rockwell
It's my plane.
Marty Mauser
And how do I know you're going to honor this?
Milton Rockwell
You don't. I'm not trying to control you Marty, but I don't think you understand the stakes. You have no power here.
