Kay Stone
Hello?
Marty Mauser
Kay?
Kay Stone
Speaking.
Marty Mauser
Hey, it’s Marty Mauser. I’m in the Royal Suite. I saw you in the lobby yesterday.
Kay Stone
Okay.
Marty Mauser
Yeah, we made eye contact. I was being interviewed. [Kay scoffs]
Kay Stone
I don’t recall.
Marty Mauser
Well, I’m a huge admirer.
Kay Stone
Okay. Can I help you with something?
Marty Mauser
Maybe. I just ordered one of everything off the room service menu. There’s no way I’ll be able to eat it all alone.
Kay Stone
Ah. So you’d like me to come up to your room?
Marty Mauser
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Kay Stone
Perhaps I should send my husband instead.
Marty Mauser
Sure. He can come up here, and I’ll come down to you.
Kay Stone
Wonderful. Thank you. Goodbye.
Marty Mauser
Wait. I wanna keep talking.
Kay Stone
Why is that?
Marty Mauser
Because I’ve never talked to an actual movie star.
Kay Stone
Well, now you have. I hope the experience was all you thought it would be.
Marty Mauser
You know, I’m something of a performer too.
Kay Stone
Are you?
Marty Mauser
Yeah. You don’t believe me?
Kay Stone
I... [stammers]
Marty Mauser
You... What? What?
Kay Stone
You’re a performer?
Marty Mauser
Yeah, I’m a performer. You got the Daily Mail in front of you?
Kay Stone
Uh, I do have it, yes.
Marty Mauser
Okay. Well, turn to page 12.
Kay Stone
Uh... Page 12. Okay. What am I looking at here?
Marty Mauser
Down the middle, in the center. Uh.
Kay Stone
This is you?
Marty Mauser
Yeah, “the chosen one.” It’s a nice picture, right?
Kay Stone
Ping pong?
Marty Mauser
I play table tennis. I’m here competing in the British Open.
Kay Stone
How old are you?
Marty Mauser
I’m 23.
Kay Stone
Twenty three. Yeah. I bet you can’t name one film I’ve done.
Marty Mauser
What makes you say that?
Kay Stone
Because I stopped acting before you were born.
Marty Mauser
Really? That’s really interesting. Mmhmm.
Milton Rockwell
Kay, did you use my razor to shave your legs? It’s dull. I’ve cut myself.
Kay Stone
No.
Marty Mauser
Who’s that? Your husband?
Milton Rockwell
I guess someone must’ve snuck in and chopped wood with it.
Kay Stone
I’m on the phone.
Marty Mauser
Holy shit. With whom?
Kay Stone
Debbie.
Milton Rockwell
Debbie.
Marty Mauser
Debbie?
Milton Rockwell
Tell her to get a life.
Marty Mauser
Is he gone?
Kay Stone
Mmhmm.
Marty Mauser
Okay. So, why’d you stop acting? Let’s talk about that.
Kay Stone
You know, I really have to go.
Marty Mauser
You must miss it, don’t you? Come watch me play at Wembley tomorrow.
Kay Stone
I... I can’t.
Marty Mauser
Come on. You can watch me dethrone the number one ranked player in the world.
Kay Stone
I’m not available.
Marty Mauser
Oh, yeah? What you got going on?
Kay Stone
Actually, I have a big promotional event to attend to for my husband.
Marty Mauser
Oh, okay. What’s he promoting?
Kay Stone
Pens.
Marty Mauser
Pens? Are you serious? Pens. Like, writing pens?
Kay Stone
Yes.
Marty Mauser
What, like, he’s a pen salesman? How can you afford the suite you’re in?
Kay Stone
He owns Rockwell Ink.
Marty Mauser
Oh. Okay. Well... Yes. I know Rockwell Ink.
Kay Stone
I’m sure you do.
Marty Mauser
Okay. Well, what’s the event?
Kay Stone
He’s hired Agatha Christie to sign books at Hatchards.
Marty Mauser
Ooh. That sounds really boring.
Kay Stone
Okay. [hangs up and Marty calls again] Oh, for God’s sake. [answers] What is it? [sighs]
Marty Mauser
Don’t hang up. Just one question. Does your room face the street or the courtyard?
Kay Stone
I don’t know.
Marty Mauser
Just answer the question. Is it facing the street or the courtyard?
Kay Stone
The courtyard.
Marty Mauser
Okay. I need you to go to the window. What floor are you on?
Kay Stone
I’m on the third floor, I believe.
Marty Mauser
Third floor. Okay, perfect. Look across the street. You see the open window with a bowl of fruit on the table?
Kay Stone
I do.
Marty Mauser
Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna make an apple appear in that bowl. And if I do, you’re gonna blow off your little rendezvous and come watch me play.
Kay Stone
No, no, no. I’m not agreeing to anything, no.
Marty Mauser
You don’t have to agree to anything. I’m gonna do it anyway. Okay? One... two... three. [Marty throws an apple knocking other fruit out of bowl] I’ll leave a ticket for you at the box office. [Marty hangs up]
