[screams and lands in his chair]
Nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there... on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! [opens his schedule] "4:00; wallow in self-pity. 4:30; stare into the abyss. 5:00; solve world hunger." Tell no one. "5:30; jazzercise. 6:30; dinner with me." I can't cancel that again. "7:00; wrestle with myself loathing…" I'm booked! Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9:00, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. [beat] But what would I wear? [goes to kitchen, and grab tablecloth, without disturbing items, but returns and knocks off the stuff from the table; poses in the mirror as Max barks] It's not a dress, it's a kilt! [rips off tablecloth] Sicko!
[sees the tiny red heart beating on his X-ray]
Yes! Down a size 1/2! [breaks the fourth wall; to the audience watching] And this time, I'll keep it off. [frowns and walks out of frame; to Max, shaking hand quickly] Get the stick, Max! Get the stick! [throws his hand towards Max's direction; Max barks and runs in that direction, while the Grinch chortles to himself] There's no stick. I'm smarter. [takes a running leap onto his bed] Any calls? [turns his phone on]
P Phone
You have no messages.
Odd. Better check the outgoing. [presses another button]
PM Phone Message (Grinch's voice)
If you utter so much as one syllable, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key. [phone beeps]
Hmm. Hmm? [turns his machine off] Oh, well. [jumps off his bed and slides to his chair as he screams and laughs gleefully] That's more like it. [he pulls off his socks while singing nonsense; the socks crawl away, and the Grinch bites off a piece of a glass bottle; puts his finger into his mouth, gags and continues to crunch the glass bottle] Mmm. Excellent year. [puts down glass bottle] I'll tell ya, Max. I don't know why I ever leave this place. I've got all the company I need... right here. Hello! [echoes] How are you? [echoes] I asked you first! [echoes; sarcastically] Oh, that's really mature, saying exactly what I say! [echoes]
[thinks for a second]
I'm an idiot!
E Echo
YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU'RE AN IDIOT, AN IDIOT, AN IDIOT, IDIOT....!
[gruffly whispering]
All right, fine! I'm not talking to you anymore. In fact, I'm going to whisper, so that by the time my voice reverberates off the walls and it gets back to me, I won't be able to hear it. [covers his ears]
E Echo
[after a brief silence]
YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU'RE AN IDIOT, AN IDIOT, AN IDIOT, IDIOT....!
[breaks and eats the glass bottle]
Am I eating because I'm bored?
[to Whos]
Boo. [the crowd screams in horror] Hmm. Hot crowd, hot crowd. I believe I'm here to... [licks chops] ...accept an award of some kind. And... the child... mentioned a check?
Alright, then. Give me the award. COME ON. WHILE I'M YOUNG!
Don't you worry, Mr. Holiday Cheermeister, you'll get your award. But first, a little family reunion. They nursed you, they clothed you. Here they are, your old biddies!
Are you two still living?
[trying to drown out the Whos' singing, turns on a mechanical monkey that plays cymbals]
Play, monkey! Play! Play, play, play! [rides a jackhammer while vocalizing; he soon wipes out] OWWIEE!!
[knocks on the door]
Mr. Grinch? [knocks on the door again] Mr. Grinch! [opens Max's doggie door] Hello? [crawls into the Grinch's cave; she finds him standing with his head in the path of the monkey's cymbals, yelling gibberish each time they hit his head. Taps his shoulder] Excuse me?
Hmm? [sticks his head out and grabs the monkey's cymbals; the monkey short-circuits and it's motor slowly powers down; turns slowly to Cindy with a furious look as the monkey's motor stops] Hello... little girl. [angrily] HOW DARE YOU ENTER THE GRINCH'S LAIR?! THE IMPUDENCE! THE AUDACITY! THE UNMITIGATED GALL! You've called down the thunder. Now, get ready... FOR THE BOOOOOOM! Gaze into the face... of fear. BOOGA-BOOGA!
[calmly]
Mr. Grinch, my name is Cindy Lou Who.
[thinking he's scaring Cindy]
You see? Even now the terror is welling up inside you!
Denial is to be expected in the face of pure evil. [makes psychotic growling noises]
Doubt?! Another unmistakable sign of the heebie-jeebies! Now, you're doomed. [jumps out of frame, then jumps back in wearing a white t-shirt and making animalistic noises, ripping the shirt apart] RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, BEFORE I KILL AGAIN! [howls] I'm a psycho. [growls, puts shirt in his mouth, spits it out, jumps around Cindy Lou frantically] Danger, danger! [repeatedly growls, but suddenly stops as he is out of breath]
Um... maybe you need a time-out. [giggles after the Grinch looks dumbfounded]
[aside, to the camera; breaking the fourth wall again]
Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television. (Anyways…) [to Cindy] WHAT DO YOU WANT?! [echoes]
Mr. Grinch, I came to invite you... to be Holiday Cheermeister.
Uh... "Holiday whobie whatie"?
Huh? "C(ordially invites you to be Holiday C)heermeister( at the Whobilation 1,000 Celebration). Celebrate (and dine) with friends." [laughing raucously] AAH!! That's a good one. [wheezes]
Now, for the final note in my symphony of downright nasty not-niceness, the crescendo of my odious opus! [starts pushing the sled] Oh, the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. The bellowing of the bitterly bummed out! It'll be like music to my ears! [strains harder, and stops to hear faint singing] (Hmm...?)
Then the Grinch heard a sound rising over the snow.It started in low.Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad.Why, this sounded merry...but it was merry. Very.Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small was singing without any presents at all.He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming.It came.
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
[looking up at the Grinch's sled]
Mr. Grinch!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling.
How could it be so?It came without ribbons.It came without tags.It came without packages, boxes or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, 'till his puzzler was sore.Then the Grinch... thought of something... he hadn't before.
...Doesn't...come from a store.Maybe Christmas...perhaps... [warmly] ...Means a little bit more. [gets a sudden thump in his chest] Max, help me! I'm... feeling! [wheezes, and sees his small heart growing]
And what happened then?Well, in Whoville they sayThat the Grinch's small heart... grew 3 sizes... that day.
[puts his hand by his body, sits up, begins crying, and bawls]
What's happening to me? [stops crying, and notices the sun rising] I'm all... toasty inside. [feels a tear] And I'm leaking. Oh, Max. I love ya!
So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave( on Christmas Eve)... hating the Whos.
[brings out a Whoville phone book]
Alphabetically. [raises finger, hits against name in book] Aadvarkian Abakenezer-Who, I... [bellows down] HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!! [stops] Aaron B. Benson Who, I hate you. [pointing at various names] Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. [pause, widens eyes; venomously] LOATHE ENTIRELY!! [hears music playing in Whoville] Nutcrackers! [closes the book] It's their Whobilation!
...He snarled with a sneer.
[shocked gasp]
Tomorrow is Christmas.It's practically here.MAX! FETCH ME MY SEDATIVE! [inside his cave; with a hammer] Now, to take care of those pesky memories. [hits himself with the hammer and falls over, moaning]
SC Santa Claus
[heartly]
Ho-ho-ho!
Fat-boy should be finishing up anytime now. Talk about a recluse. He only comes out once a year, and he never catches any flak for it! Probably lives up there to avoid the taxes.
S Santa
[flying with his reindeer, lead by Rudolph]
Merry Christmas!
Oopsie. Forgot about the reindeer. (All I need is a reindeer.)
(The Grinch looked around, but since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.)
Did that stop the old Grinch?No. The Grinch simply said...
If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead. [reaches for Max, who whimpers and runs away] Oh, Maaaaaa-AAAAAAX!!
So he called his dog Max.Then he took some red thread… and tied a big horn... on top of his head.
[The Grinch dresses Max with reindeer antlers and a red nose as Rudolph. He claps his hands, makes a gleeful noise and puts on a director's cap, mimicking Ron Howard, the director.] [to Max as Rudolph]
Alright, you're a reindeer. Here's your motivation - your name is Rudolph, you're a freak with the red nose and nobody likes you. Then one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. [Max stares at him blankly] No, forget that part. We'll improvise, just keep kind of loosy-goosy. You hate Christmas, you're gonna steal it! Saving Christmas was a lousy ending. Way too commercial. [sits down on director's chair and holds up megaphone; amplified] ACTION! [Max pops off the red nose; jumps out of seat, ecstatic] BRILLIANT!! You reject your own nose because it represents the glitter of Commercialism! Why didn't I think of it?! Cut, print, check the gate, moving on.
[after Max scared off some teen Whos]
Well done, Max! Serves them right, those yuletide-loving... sickly-sweet, nog-sucking cheer mongers! [picks up an onion] I really don't like 'em. Mm-mm. No, I don't. [eats the onion] MAX! [Max whimpers] Get my cloak. [Max runs back inside] I've been much too tolerant of these Who-venile delinquents, and their innocent, victim-less pranks. [rubs his pits with the onion] So they wanna get to know me, do they? [throws away the onion] They want to spend a little quality time with the Grinch. [turns to the camera] I guess I could use a little... social interaction. [shows off a sinister-looking smile; the scene fades to Whoville with a view of Max and the Grinch's feet]
WB Whoville Bike Men
Merry Christmas!
Oh, yeah. You bet, and ho, ho, ho, and... stuff. [The bikers fall down, blocking traffic.] Oh, my. Someone has vandalized that vehicle. You see, Max? The city is a dangerous place.
The Grinch hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season.
WO Who Officer
Top of the day.
Now, please, don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
[gives two Who girls a bandsaw]
Hey, kids. Here's a present for ya. Be sure to run real fast with it now. All right, come on. Double time. Let's go! Move, move, move, move, move!
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. Or it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all...
...May have been that his heart was 2 sizes too small.
WH Whoville Hat Salesman
Hey, stranger! Won't let you go until you buy a chapeau! [The Grinch pulls off his mask, loudly belches, blows odor on him, making him fall. The Grinch pulls his mask back on, and laughs evilly.]
[last lines]
So, he brought back the toys, and the food for the feast.And he, he himself, the Grinch carved the Roast Beast.
Yeah. [everyone cheers] There's nothing like the Holidays. Who wants the gizzard?!
Too late! That'll be mine.
Extended version[edit]
[Clock Operator: Only 4 hours till Christmas!]
Yes, the Grinch knew tomorrow all the Who girls and boys would wake bright and early and rush for their toys. [Grinch: And then, oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise, noise! They'll bang on tong-tinglers They'll blow their floo-flounders. They'll crash on Jang-jinglers and bounce on boing-bounders!] Then Whos young and old would sit down to a feast. and they'll feast, and they'll feast. [Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-pudding and rare Who roast beast, which is something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHY-YME! AAAHHHH! BLAST YOU, WHOS! [sobs]] And the more the Grinch thought of what Christmas would bring, the more the Grinch thought [Grinch: I must stop this whole thing. Why for year after year, I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming! But how? I mean, in what way?]
[Grinch: Oh, the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. The bellowing of the bitterly bummed out! It'll be like music to my ears! [strains harder, and stops to hear faint singing]
Then the Grinch heard a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow. [Grinch: Huh? Whuh?] But the sound wasn't sad. Why this sounded merry. But it was merry. Very. Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small... were singing without any presents at all. He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. It came. [Grinch: Somehow or other, it came just the same!] [Cindy Lou Who: Mr. Grinch?] And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling. [Grinch: How could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags!] And he puzzled and puzzled, 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something... he hadn't before. [Grinch: Maybe...Christmas...] He thought... [Grinch: ...Doesn't... come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… [warmly] ...Means a little bit more. [gets a sudden thump in his chest] Max! Help me! I'm... feeling! [wheezes, and sees his small heart growing]] And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart... grew 3 sizes... that day.
[Grinch: [arrives on the roof with Max]
C'mon, Max. It's our first stop!] The old Grinchy Claus hissed, and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. [the Grinch prepares to go down the chimney with rope on his feet] He'd slide down the chimney, a rather tight pinch. But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. [Grinch: [imitating sports announcer] He's planning a double-twisting interrupted by forward-flying 2 1/2 with a combo tuck and pike… High degree of difficulty. [jumps high in the air as bungee jumping while vocalizing] Whoo! [leans closer to the chimney] LAA-LAAA-LAAAAAAAA!!! [lands in the chimney upside down, and gets stuck since he gained a couple of pounds from the Whobilation]] He got stuck only once... for a moment or 2. [Grinch: Blasted water weight. Goes right to my hips. [struggles his arms to free himself as he slides down and lands and hits his head by the fireplace] Ow! Gee! [looks at the view of the living room]] Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue... [Grinch: [to the narrator; breaking the 4th wall again] Shh. A little more stealth, please.] [whispering] ...Where the little Who stockings are all hung in a row. [Grinch: These stockings...] [normal voice] He grinned. [Grinch: ...Are the first thing(s) to go. [picks out a jar of moths] Okay, fellas. Chow time. [frees the moths, sticks his head back up just as the moths eat the stockings]]
[Grinch: [pulls Max out of snow, not noticing the snow beard]
If you're not going to help me, then you might as well… [stops; notices the snow beard on Max]] Then he got an idea; An awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea. [Grinch: I know... just what to do. [cut to red fabric being cut by the Grinch]] The Grinch laughed in his throat… [Grinch: Ha.] And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat. [crunch; Grinch shouts in shock, and sees his fingers sewn on the red fabric and faints.] And he chuckled and clucked at this great Grinchy trick. [Grinch: With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick! Ho, ho, ho!]
