Jeff Kohlver Well you look older than you are and you certainly act older than you are.
Played by Patrick Wilson 
Hard Candy (2006) · 34 quotes
Hard Candy (2006) · 34 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Hard Candy (2006): in 22 of its 34 quotes
Most scenes with: Hayley Stark (19)
Does your mom know you cut off men’s balls?
More lines from Jeff Kohlver
2 quotes Jeff Kohlver Jeff Kohlver You’re all just like Janelle, you’re driving me crazy! I can’t stand the head games! You’re right this is me. This is who I am. Thank you for helping me finally see it.
Scenes with Jeff Kohlver
19 scenes
Jeff Kohlver Don't get greedy.
You really just don't look like kind of guy who needs to meet girls over the internet.
Jeff Kohlver Well, I think it's better to meet people online first, sometimes. You get to know what they're like inside. When you work as a photographer you find out real quick peoples faces lie.
Does my face lie?
Jeff Kohlver This is some...teenage joke?
Teenage, yes. Joke, no.
Jeff Kohlver Those letters are mine.
Nothing's yours when you invite a teenager into your home.
Jeff Kohlver Ah, so you and your mom are both wacked?
I dunno. That's that whole nature versus nurture question, isn't it? Was I born a cute, vindictive, little bitch or... did society make me that way? I go back and forth on that...
Jeff Kohlver You were coming on to me!
Oh, come on. That's what they always say, Jeff.
Jeff Kohlver Who?
Who? The pedophiles! 'Oh, she was so sexy. She was asking for it.' 'She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.' It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does. [pause] I mean, you're the grown up here. If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it. If a kid says 'Heeey, let's make screwdrivers' you take the alcohol away and you don't race them to the next drink!
Jeff Kohlver [while tied down to a chair]
Look, look. I've been lonely, okay? And that makes me stupid, but I am not a pedophile. Look, this is some horrible mistake. Just untie me now and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened. Just untie me now!
Okay, well you know what? I am not lonely and therefore not stupid. I untie you, you might understandably be a little peeved. So when I am ready to go, I'll call a cab and call another one to let you loose.
Jeff Kohlver And when will that be?
I'm not sure yet.
Jeff Kohlver It'll ruin my career... it'll ruin my life!
Well, didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?
Jeff Kohlver You're getting yourself in terrible trouble.
Oh? Oh and how's that?
Jeff Kohlver If you cut me in any way you won't forget it. It changes you when you hurt somebody.
Oh and you speak from experience I guess.
Jeff Kohlver I've just lived. Unlike you. The things you do wrong... they haunt you.
Tell me what you're haunted by.
Jeff Kohlver Do you wanna remember this day when you're with a guy? On a date? Or on your wedding night? 'Cause I promise you you will. Don't do that to yourself.
Wow... You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don't want me to castrate you for my own benefit? Wow, I'm touched. Jeff, why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you downloaded this little girl... I was sitting by your side saying, "Stop! Don't do that to yourself!" Would you have listened?
You are good and numb, aren't you?
Jeff Kohlver **** off.
Your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.
Turns out castration is one of the easiest surgical procedures around. There's thousands of farmboys across the country gelding their livestock. If they can do it, I think I can pull it off. If you know what I mean.
Jeff Kohlver I'm not **** livestock.
You keep telling yourself that, stud.
Jeff Kohlver Why don’t you just kill me?
Is that what you think I want?
Jeff Kohlver Isn't it?
We gotta get this show on the road.
Jeff Kohlver A teen doesn’t do this.
I’ve seen your idea of what teens should do.
Well if Denise was here right now, what would you say?
Jeff Kohlver I'd say, "Help... a teenager cut my balls off. Call the police."
Jeff Kohlver Which do you wanna **** first, me or the knife? [as Hayley raises gun] Oh you know how to use that huh?
Jeff Kohlver What? You're gonna shoot me? Shoot me, SHOOT ME, you're not gonna shoot me!
Jeff Kohlver Who the hell are you?
I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.
Jeff Kohlver [shakes his head weakly as he awakes from a drug induced stupor]
Why, uhh, why do I get, tied up first if, if this is how we're gonna play?
Jeff, playtime is over... Now it's time to wake up.
Jeff Kohlver Look, I'm not the monster you think I am. But, okay, I crossed a line. Just call the cops. I'll turn myself in.
[as if narrating a headline]
"Cute Pedophile Pleads Guilty. Aww, it's not his fault. He's sick. He has an addiction."
Jeff Kohlver I'll do jail. Isn't, isn't that what should happen?
Yeah. You might. You might get jail time. I dunno: therapy, drugs, group discussions, notifying people when you move into a new house. How bad is that, really?
Jeff Kohlver It'll ruin my career, ruin my life.
Well, didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?
Jeff Kohlver I'm not going to beg you.
You mean you're not going to beg again? Because you do it so well. "Please, pretty please with a cherry on top!"... One that you just had to pop.
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