Enid
God, what a bunch of ****.
Rebecca
God, I know. I thought that chipmunk face was never gonna shut up.
Enid
I know. I liked her so much better when she was an alcoholic crack addict. She gets in one car wreck and all of the sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and everyone loves her.
Rebecca
Wow. This is so bad, it's almost good.
Enid
This is so bad, it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Hey, Rebecca.
Rebecca
Oh, hi.
So, we finally—
Enid
What about me? Am I not even here?
Hey. Hey, Enid. [turns back to Rebecca] So, we finally made it, huh?
Rebecca
Yeah.
So, uh, where are you... uh, where are you gonna go to college?
Enid
We're not.
Really? Both of you? Why not?
Enid
Just because.
Rebecca
Yeah, we made other plans.
I guess I should have figured that you two would do something different.
Enid
So, Todd, what are you gonna be when you grow up?
Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration and thinking of minoring in Communications, so—
Enid
See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid. [pulls Rebecca away] Look at this. Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh?
Rebecca
Oh, God. How perfect.
Enid
He'd better watch out or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Hi. My name is Allen and I'll be your waiter this afternoon.
Enid
Hi, Al.
Rebecca
Can we call you "Weird Al"?
I'd imagine so.
Rebecca
You should check out the personals. Maybe our future husbands are trying to contact us.
Enid
Here we go. "Windsurfing doctor, Mensan IQ, maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the clubs, make each other laugh."
Rebecca
You can have that one.
Enid
Jesus, listen to this one. "Do you remember me, airport shuttle, June 7? You, striking blond with yellow dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes. I was the bookish fellow in the green cardigan who helped you find your contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we have a moment?"
Rebecca
God, that's so pathetic. I mean, she probably didn't even notice him.
Enid
I know, and he's, like, psychotically obsessing over every little detail.
Rebecca
We should call him and pretend to be the blond.
Enid
Oh, we totally have to.
Rebecca
Oh, it's that comedian I was telling you about. [turns up the volume on her television, which is showing an odd-looking man performing stand-up comedy]
...I still live with my mother people think I'm peculiar.
Rebecca
He's the absolute worst.
So what if she's been dead for fifteen years?
Rebecca
See? That's barely even a joke.
Well, it's like I always say—take my life... please.
Joey McCobb, the weirdest man in show business.
Enid
If he's so weird, how come he's wearing Nikes? [switches the TV off] Joey McCobb is our god.
Rebecca
I want to do him.
Enid
I bet. Actually, he kind of reminds me of that one guy you went out with, Larry. God, what look was he going for, a gay tennis player from the '40s?
Rebecca
**** you.
Enid
You dated him.
Rebecca
I want to make love to him.
Enid
I'm gonna tell him you said that.
So nice to see you again, ladies.
Enid
Hi, Weird Al. My friend here has—
Rebecca
Shut up!
Enid
She says she wants to—
Rebecca
Shut up!
Enid
It was so cute how he had his own little bags. I thought I was going to start crying.
Rebecca
Yeah, he should totally just kill himself. [looking through the classified ads in a newspaper] Oh, here's one. Oh, but you have to share with a "non-smoking feminist and her two cats."
Enid
I don't know. I kind of like him. He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate. In a way, he's such a clueless dork, he's almost kind of cool.
Rebecca
That guy is many things, but he's definitely not cool.
Rebecca
"Funky."
Enid
What, is she black now?
Rebecca
Oh, look, there he is.
Enid
As always.
Rebecca
Waiting for the bus that never comes.
Enid
I wonder if he's just totally insane or he really thinks the bus is coming?
Rebecca
Why don't you just ask him?
Enid
Hi. What's your name?
Norman.
Enid
Are you waiting for a bus?
Yes.
Enid
I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Enid
I bet he's in there jerking off.
Rebecca
I bet he never jerks off.
Enid
Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.
Rebecca
Should we leave a note?
Enid
Yeah. You got a pen?
Rebecca
Yeah. [pulls out a pen]
Enid
"Dear Josh, we came by to **** you, but you were not home. Therefore, you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber." [puts it back on Josh's door handle]
Rebecca
You're gonna leave that?
Enid
Why not?
Oh, my God. Didn't they tell you?
Enid
Tell me what?
Punk rock is over.
Enid
I know it's over, asshole, I'm not even—
You really want to **** up the system? Go to business school. That's what I'm gonna do. Get a job in some big corporation and, like, **** things up from the inside.
Enid
You know, I'm not even trying—
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, do you have my money?
Oh! Oh, how punk!
Enid
You know that tape sucked, by the way?
Oh, I'm so sorry if it offended Jew.
Enid
Go die, asshole!
Get a job.
Enid
God, **** you!
Rebecca
Can we go now?
Enid
You know, it's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead! It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look, but I guess Johnny ****face over there is too stupid to realize it!
Rebecca
I didn't really get it either.
Enid
Everyone's too stupid!
Rebecca
Hey, you see that guy over there?
Enid
Which one?
Rebecca
The blond guy over there. [Enid spots him and rolls her eyes] He gives me, like, a total boner.
Enid
He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time.
You guys up for some reggae tonight?
Rebecca
OK, you're right.
Enid
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
Rebecca
And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?
Enid
God, what a dork.
Rebecca
You're just jealous.
Enid
Trust me, at this point, I'm past the fact that every single guy likes you better than me.
Rebecca
Oh, face it. You just hate every single guy on the face of the earth.
Enid
That's not true. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers.
How much for this dress?
Rebecca
God, I can't believe you're selling that.
Enid
That's $500.
What?
Enid
500.
You're crazy. It should be, like, $2.
Enid
I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.
Well, why do I care about that?
Enid
Well, why do you want it? I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway.
God! **** you! [tosses the dress back over the rack and walks off]
Rebecca
So, now are you gonna get a regular job?
