Dave
I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.
Lomper
Haven't got any mates.
Gaz
Listen to you. We just saved your **** life. So don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?
Lomper
Really?
Gaz
Yeah.
Lomper
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Dave
Yeah, me an'all, I'd run into ya as soon as look at ya.
Lomper
Cheers.
Dave
I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser"? What happens then, eh?
They wouldn't say that, would they?
Dave
Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.
Lomper
That's different. We're... blokes.
Dave
Yeah, and...
Gerald
I think she's got nice tits, actually.
Lomper
I never said nowt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.
Dave
No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither, which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality — this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.
Dave
I've been dieting. I do try. Seems like I spent most of me ****in' life on a diet. The less I eat, the fatter I get.
Lomper
So, stuff yourself and get thin.
Gaz
Y'know Dave, it's a thought...
Gerald
Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widgers hanging out. Now that would be worth 10 quid!
Gaz
Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...
Gerald
Widgers on parade! Bring your own microscopes!
Dave
I don't see why the chuff not, Gerald.
Gerald
Because you're fat and he's thin, and you're both **** ugly!
Gerald
Fat, David, is a feminist issue.
Dave
Well, what's that supposed to mean when it's at home?
Gerald
I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.
So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?
When he's rehearsing.
Gaz
You don't sing?
No.
Gaz
You don't dance?
No.
Gaz
Hope you don't mind me being nosy, but what do you do?
Well, there is this...[strips down pants and underwear]
Gaz
Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed.
Gary 'Gaz' Schofield
I've got a degree in arse-wiggling, mate.