B Badger
Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine-and-a-half with no fixed rate, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for someone of your type of species.
You're exaggerating, Badger.
B Badger
[scoffs]
I'm sugar-coating it, man. This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean; three of the meanest, nastiest, UGLIEST farmers in the history of this valley.
Really? Tell me about them.
B Badger
[sighs]
All right. Walt Boggis is a chicken farmer, probably the most successful in the world. He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros. He eats three chickens every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total per diem. Nate Bunce is a duck and goose farmer. He's approximately the size of a pot-bellied dwarf, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. His food is homemade donuts with smashed up goose livers injected into them. Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He invented his own species of each. He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living. The local human children sing a kind of... eerie little rhyme about him. Here, listen to this. [turns on the radio]
C Children
[singing]
♪ Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. One fat, one short, one lean. Those horrible crooks so different in looks, were nonetheless equally mean. ♪
B Badger
[turns off the radio]
In summation, I just think you gotta not do it, man. That's all.
I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
B Badger
The cuss you are.
The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?
B Badger
No, you cussing with me?
Don't cuss, and point at me!
B Badger
If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!
You're not gonna cuss with me! [Both start snarling at each other. Linda pushes the typewriter and they settle down] Just buy the tree.
[yelling]
YOU SCARED THE CUSS OUT OF US!!!!!!
B Badger
[growls angrily]
A lot of good animals are [yelling with rage] PROBABLY GONNA DIE...BECAUSE OF YOU!!! [everyone looks shocked] [angry tone] We've been digging in circles for three days! Half the woods have been obliterated, nobody can get out, Right now my wife's huddled at the bottom of the flint-mine with no food, no water, and 27 Starving Animal Brats!
P Phil
I just want to see a little...sunshine.
But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open on a good day.
P Phil
I'm sick of your double talk! We have rights!
BS Beaver's Son
We don't like you and we hate your dad. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it.
BS Beaver's Son
Cuss yeah, you are! [picks up a large glob of mud and shoves it in Ash's face. Ash makes a gagging sound but does not react further]
[takes off his shoes]
Don't do that.
BS Beaver's Son
Why'd you take your shoes off?
[pushes Ash away]
So I don't break your nose when I kick it. [proceeds to take Beaver's son out with some precision karate moves, ending with a throwdown on the ground. Beaver's son then gets up and walks away crying]
I can fight my own fights.
[turns to Ash]
No, you can't.
[in a cellar with many of the other animal characters]
Alright, let's start planning. Who knows shorthand? [Linda raises her hand] Great! Linda! Lutra lutra - you got some dry paper? [she holds up paper] Here we go. Mole! Talpa europaea! What d'you got?
P Phil
I can see in the dark.
That's incredible! We can use that! Linda?
Rabbit! Oryctolagus cuniculus!
B Beaver
I can chew through wood.
B Badger
Demolitions expert.
B Badger
Explosions! Flames! Burning things!
Demolitions expert! OK! Linda?
[grabs Weasel]
WEASEL! MUSTELA NIVALIS!
Ha! Ha-ha! Whoo! Okay. Ash, you and Agnes team up with these little kids and put together some kind of KP unit to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale.
Done. [to Agnes] What's KP?
A Agnes
I think it means janitors. [Ash spits]
V Vole
Hey-hey! Down here. I wanna go with you, too. I wanna fight!
Good, fabulous! Microtus pennsylvanicus!
[Vole laughs]
Hey, I didn't get a job yet, or a Latin name. What's my strength?
Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy. Your job is really, just to...be available, I think. I don't know your Latin name, I doubt they even had opossums in Ancient Rome.
[After the animals have been flushed into the sewers by Bean's cider]
What just happened? Something with cider. That was dangerous. Is anyone hurt?
B Badger
[furiously]
We're all hurt! My entire flint mine just got demolished!
Apple juice. Apple juice flood.
Let's do a head count. Everybody pick a buddy. Where'd the boys go? Ash?
[he and Felicity runs to him]
Ash, who's your buddy?
I was in the kitchen! We were trying to find the necktie!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Oh, no. [snatches a nutmeg ginger apple snap from Ash's hand] Where did you get that nutmeg ginger apple snap, [tosses it] and WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT FAKE BANDIT HAT?!
We went to steal back your tail.
[finally realizes Kristofferson is captured]
Wha... Oh... no. Kristofferson! Kristofferson!
Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson!
[Above the sewer, Kristofferson is captured by the farmers, as Mrs. Bean is holding him upside down.]
Wrap this wet, little mutt in the newspaper and put him in the box with some holes punched in the top.
