Mr. Fox quotes from Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

Mr. Fox

Honey, I'm seven non-fox years old. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore. I'm going to do something about it.

Mr. Fox

My suicide mission has been cancelled. We're replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission.

Mr. Fox

Are you cussing with me?

Mr. Fox

What the cuss, where'd this giant fence come from?! We had a master plan!

Mr. Fox

I guess we do have these three ugly farmers to thank for one thing: reminding us to be thankful and aware of each other. I'm gonna say it again: aware.

Mr. Fox

YOU SCARED THE CUSS OUT OF US!

Mr. Fox

Redemption? Sure. But in the end, he's just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant.

Mr. Fox

Your tractors uprooted my tree. Your posse hunted my family. Your gunmen kidnapped my nephew. Your rat insulted my wife... and YOU shot off my tail! I'm not leaving here without that necktie!

Mr. Fox

They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum, but it's cool to the paw - try it. They say my tail needs to be dry cleaned twice a month, but now it's fully detachable - see? They say our tree may never grow back, but one day, something will. Yes, these crackles are made of synthetic goose and these giblets come from artificial squab and even these apples look fake - but at least they've got stars on them. I guess my point is, we'll eat tonight, and we'll eat together. And even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt the five and a half most wonderful wild animals I've ever met in my life. So let's raise our boxes - to our survival.

Mr. Fox

Apple juice? We didn't come here for apple juice. This is some of the strongest, finest alcoholic cider money can buy or that can even be stolen. It burns in your throat, boils in your stomach, and tastes almost exactly like pure, melted gold.

Mr. Fox

HOLY SWEARING CUSS!

Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine-and-a-half with no fixed rate, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for someone of your type of species.

Mr. Fox

You're exaggerating, Badger.

I'm sugar-coating it, man. This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean; three of the meanest, nastiest, UGLIEST farmers in the history of this valley.

Mr. Fox

Really? Tell me about them.

All right. Walt Boggis is a chicken farmer, probably the most successful in the world. He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros. He eats three chickens every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total per diem. Nate Bunce is a duck and goose farmer. He's approximately the size of a pot-bellied dwarf, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. His food is homemade donuts with smashed up goose livers injected into them. Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He invented his own species of each. He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living. The local human children sing a kind of... eerie little rhyme about him. Here, listen to this. [turns on the radio]

♪ Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. One fat, one short, one lean. Those horrible crooks so different in looks, were nonetheless equally mean. ♪

In summation, I just think you gotta not do it, man. That's all.

Mr. Fox

I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.

The cuss you are.

Mr. Fox

The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?

No, you cussing with me?

Mr. Fox

Don't cuss, and point at me!

If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!

Mr. Fox

You're not gonna cuss with me! [Both start snarling at each other. Linda pushes the typewriter and they settle down] Just buy the tree.

Okay.

Mr. Fox

Who am I, Kylie?

Who how? What now?

Mr. Fox

Why a fox? Why not a horse, or a beetle, or a bald eagle? I'm saying this more as, like, existentialism, you know? Who am I? And how can a fox ever be happy without, you'll forgive the expression, a chicken in its teeth?

I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds illegal.

Mr. Fox

I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar.

We're breaking into Bean's house?

Mr. Fox

Cellar.

Where he lives?

Mr. Fox

Where he keeps the cider.

Ash

Below where he lives.

Mr. Fox

Where'd you come from? You go back to the tree and do your homework.

Ash

I wanna help you steal some cider.

Mr. Fox

We're going to a book party, and you keep your mouth shut about any cider because no one ever said that. Now get out of here!

Ash

But-- Uh..

Mr. Fox

But Nothing! You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble! Besides, you're too little and uncoordinated. [Ash scowls, twitches his ear and spits and Mr. Fox points at the tree] One, two, three! [Ash growls with rage and storms back to the tree] Where the cuss does that kid get off? Can you believe that? How did he get tipped off?

Another book party?

Mr. Fox

Oh! I didn't see you sitting in the dark over there. [grins sheepishly] Yeah! No actually, there's a fire. I just got the call. They said maybe it's arson. I've got to interview the marshal and see if it's...

Kylie, is he telling the truth?

I... I don't want to be put into the middle of this.

Mr. Fox

Thanks, Kylie.

Why is he wearing that bandit hat?

Mr. Fox

His ears were cold. He's not with us. [to Kristofferson] Go back to bed.

If what I think is happening is happening... [zooms in to an extreme close-up] it better not be.

Ash

It'll-- It'll grow back, won't it?

Tails don't grow back.

Ash

Tails don't grow back?

Uh-uh. Except for lizards.

Mr. Fox

Tails don't grow back. I'm gonna be tail-less for the rest of my life.

Ash

Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double pneumonia, right? I mean, his dad's got one foot in the grave and three feet on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than just...

Excuse me, everyone. I'm gonna go meditate for half an hour.

You have got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology.

Ash

Me? Me have an apology? He gets a bandit hat? He just got here, and he gets a bandit hat? Where's my bandit hat? Why didn't I get shot at? It's because, you... you... YOU THINK I'M NO GOOD AT ANYTHING!!! Well, maybe you're right, thanks. [stomps away angrily and closes door upon exit]

Told ya not to bring him.

Mr. Fox

Wake up, everybody, they're digging us out!

They'll kill the children!

Mr. Fox

Over my dead body, they will!

That's what I'm saying! You'd be dead too in that scenario!

Mr. Fox

Well, I'm arguing against thatǃ

What are you talking about?

Mr. Fox

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?ǃ

STOP, STOP, STOPǃ! You say one thing, she says another, and it all changes back againǃ

I'm going to lose my temper now.

Mr. Fox

When?

Right now.

Mr. Fox

Well, when-- [Felicity slashes at his face with her claws, Mr. Fox shouts in pain]

Twelve fox years ago, you made a promise to me, while we we're caged inside that fox trap. That if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, turkey, goose, duck, or a squab, whatever they are, [voice breaking] and I believed you. Why? Why Did You LIE To Me???

Mr. Fox

Because I'm a wild animal.

You are also a husband, and a father.

Mr. Fox

I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself.

I don't care about the truth about yourself. This story is too... predictable.

Mr. Fox

Predictable? Really? What happens in the end?

In the end, we all die.... Unless you change. [leaves]

Mr. Fox

YOU SCARED THE CUSS OUT OF US!!!!!!

A lot of good animals are [yelling with rage] PROBABLY GONNA DIE...BECAUSE OF YOU!!! [everyone looks shocked] [angry tone] We've been digging in circles for three days! Half the woods have been obliterated, nobody can get out, Right now my wife's huddled at the bottom of the flint-mine with no food, no water, and 27 Starving Animal Brats!

I just want to see a little...sunshine.

Mr. Fox

But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open on a good day.

I'm sick of your double talk! We have rights!

We don't like you and we hate your dad. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it.

Ash

I'm not gonna eat mud!

Cuss yeah, you are! [picks up a large glob of mud and shoves it in Ash's face. Ash makes a gagging sound but does not react further]

Don't do that.

Why'd you take your shoes off?

So I don't break your nose when I kick it. [proceeds to take Beaver's son out with some precision karate moves, ending with a throwdown on the ground. Beaver's son then gets up and walks away crying]

Ash

I can fight my own fights.

No, you can't.

Mr. Fox

Badger's right. These farmers aren't gonna quit until they catch me. I shouldn't have lied to your face. I shouldn't have fallen off the wagon and started secretly stealing chickens on the sly. I shouldn't have driven these farmers so far and tried to embarrass them and cussed with their heads. I enjoyed it, but I shouldn't have done it. And now there's only one way out of this. Maybe if I hand myself over and let them kill me, stuff me, and hang me over their mantelpiece...

You'll do no such thing.

Mr. Fox

Darling, maybe they'll let everyone else live.

Oh, why did you have to get us into this, Foxy?

Mr. Fox

I don't know, but I have a possible theory. I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I'm the greatest, the quote-unquote Fantastic Mr. Fox. And if they aren't knocked out and dazzled and slightly intimidated by me, I don't feel good about myself. Foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey, and outsmart predators, and that's what I'm actually good at. I think at the end of the day, I'm just...

I know, we're wild animals.

Mr. Fox

Hmm. I guess we always were. I promise you, if I had all this to do over again, I'd have never let you down. It was always more fun when we did it together, anyway. [both foxes kiss and hug] I love you, Felicity.

I love you, too. But I shouldn't have married you.

Mr. Fox

Alright, let's start planning. Who knows shorthand? [Linda raises her hand] Great! Linda! Lutra lutra - you got some dry paper? [she holds up paper] Here we go. Mole! Talpa europaea! What d'you got?

I can see in the dark.

Mr. Fox

That's incredible! We can use that! Linda?

Got it.

Mr. Fox

Rabbit! Oryctolagus cuniculus!

I'm fast.

Mr. Fox

You bet you are. Linda?

Got it.

Mr. Fox

Beaver! Castor fiber!

I can chew through wood.

Mr. Fox

Amazing! Linda!

Got it.

Mr. Fox

Badger! Meles meles!

Demolitions expert.

Mr. Fox

What? Since when?

Explosions! Flames! Burning things!

Mr. Fox

Demolitions expert! OK! Linda?

Got it.

Mr. Fox

WEASEL! MUSTELA NIVALIS!

STOP YELLING!!

Mr. Fox

Ha! Ha-ha! Whoo! Okay. Ash, you and Agnes team up with these little kids and put together some kind of KP unit to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale.

Ash

Done. [to Agnes] What's KP?

I think it means janitors. [Ash spits]

Hey-hey! Down here. I wanna go with you, too. I wanna fight!

Mr. Fox

Good, fabulous! Microtus pennsylvanicus!

Hey, I didn't get a job yet, or a Latin name. What's my strength?

Mr. Fox

Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy. Your job is really, just to...be available, I think. I don't know your Latin name, I doubt they even had opossums in Ancient Rome.

Mr. Fox

Back, You angry dog! BACK!

Mr. Fox

I guess now that Kristofferson's dad's already down to single pneumonia... ...and getting better, he'll be going home soon, huh?

Actually, when he spoke to me from the hospital, he said... ...he was already talking to Weasel about real estate availabilities ...down in our sewer system.

Mr. Fox

Oh, really? Well, now's the time to buy.
[Mr. Fox sips his juice]

Mr. Fox

I used to do this professionally, and I was very successful at it. I had to get out of it for personal reasons, but I've decided to secretly do one last big job on the sly. I'm bringing you in as my secretary and personal assistant.

Okay!

Mr. Fox

This is actually kind of a big deal, so don't just say, "Okay!".

Okay. Well, thank you.

Mr. Fox

I'm going to tape this for my records, so don't make a lot of sounds. Meaning, stop rocking.

Mr. Fox

Master plan, phase one, side "A". We'll start with Boggis's chicken house number one. His only security is a few old hunting beagles and a low stone wall. Now, a word about beagles. Never look a beagle directly in the eye. And if--

Why not? Beagles aren't so tough.

Mr. Fox

Yeah? Well, first of all, one of these beagles has chronic rabies, which he's on medication for, and if you get bit by him, you have to get shots in your stomach for six months, and second-- Listen, I'm not going to justify this. You just pay attention and stop interrupting me. I'm taping this. I pick some blueberries and lace each one with ten milligrams of high potency sleeping powder, enough to tranquilize a gorilla.

How do we make them eat it?

Mr. Fox

Beagles love blueberries. Remember, they aren't very smart, but they're incredibly paranoid, so always kill a chicken in one bite. One bite. Get it? [Kylie looks zoned out] Are you listening to me? I look into your eyes, and I can't tell whether you're getting anything I'm saying.

Mr. Fox

What just happened? Something with cider. That was dangerous. Is anyone hurt?

We're all hurt! My entire flint mine just got demolished!

Apple juice. Apple juice flood.

Mr. Fox

Let's do a head count. Everybody pick a buddy. Where'd the boys go? Ash?

Ash?!

Mr. Fox

Kristofferson?! Ash?!

Ash

I'm here!

Mr. Fox

Ash, who's your buddy?

Ash

Kristofferson.

Mr. Fox

Where is he?

Ash

I lost him.

Mr. Fox

You lost him?!

Ash

Yeah, I lost him!

Mr. Fox

Where were you?!

Ash

I was in the kitchen! We were trying to find the necktie!

Mr. Fox

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Ash

It's my fault.

Mr. Fox

Oh, no. [snatches a nutmeg ginger apple snap from Ash's hand] Where did you get that nutmeg ginger apple snap, [tosses it] and WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT FAKE BANDIT HAT?!

Ash

We went to steal back your tail.

Mr. Fox

Wha... Oh... no. Kristofferson! Kristofferson!

Ash

Kristofferson!

Mr. Fox

Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson!

Bean

Wrap this wet, little mutt in the newspaper and put him in the box with some holes punched in the top.

Mr. Fox

In a way, I'm almost glad that flood interrupted us because I don't like the toast I was giving. I'm gonna start over. [pause] When I look down this table, with the exquisite feast set before us, I see: two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today. Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time, Who knows? I tend to doubt it. [pause] I also see a room full of wild animals. Wild animals, with true natures and pure talents. Wild animals with scientific-sounding Latin names that mean something about our DNA. Wild animals each with his own strengths and weaknesses due to his or her species. Anyway, I think it may very well be all the beautiful differences among us that might just give us the tiniest glimmer of a chance of saving my nephew, and letting me make it up to you for getting us into this, this crazy... whatever it is. I don't know. It's just a thought. Thank you for listening. Cheers, everyone.

Let's eat! [everyone stares at Kylie] What? I was just playin' along with the bit he was doing...

Mr. Fox

Kylie, you got a credit card?

Sure. [gets his credit card out and hands it to Mr. Fox]

Mr. Fox

See, this is what I was saying about how good you are, just being available for... A titanium card? How the cuss did you qualify for this?

I pay my bills on time. I've always got good credit.

Mr. Fox

Ha. Ha. [whistles and clicks two times] Come on.

Wait. Wait a second. What's this thing you do, the whistle with the clicking sound?

Mr. Fox

What do you mean? That's my trademark. [whistles and clicks two times again]

Mr. Fox

Give me a blueberry.

What?

Mr. Fox

A blueberry.

You didn't say anything...

Mr. Fox

You forgot the blueberries? I did say it. I wrote it on your paw.

Oh.

Ash

Yeah. It's written on the front of your paw.

Oh, yeah.

Ash

What's that white stuff around his mouth.

I think he eats soap.

Mr. Fox

That's not soap.

Well, why does he have that bubbly...

Mr. Fox

He's rabid. With rabies. I've heard about this beagle. You two go ahead while I distract him.

Mr. Fox

Why, you're just a sweet as...

I thought he said, "Never look a beagle in the eye."

Mr. Fox

Your tractors uprooted my tree, your posse hunted my family, your gunman kidnapped my nephew, your rat insulted my wife, and and YOU shot off my tail! [clenches through his teeth] I'm not leaving here without that necktie.

Bean

KILL HIM!

Mr. Fox

Actually, we should just go. Where did I park?

Don't turn around!

Mr. Fox

Where'd he come from? [to the wolf] Where'd you come from?! What are you doing here?! [points to the wolf] Canis lupus! [points to himself] Vulpes vulpes! [to the others] I don't think he speaks English or Latin. [speaks French to the wolf] Pensez-vous que l'hiver sera rude? [to the others] I'm asking if he thinks we're in for a hard winter. [the wolf continues staring at them] He doesn't seem to know. [to the wolf] I have a phobia of wolves! [the wolf continues staring at them; Mr. Fox sheds a tear and then raise a fist in the air; the wolf does the same] What a beautiful creature. Wish him luck, boys.

Good luck to you.

Ash

Good luck, wolf.

Good luck out there.
[the wolf starts to walk away but gives them on last look before disappearing into the forest]