Paula quotes from Failure to Launch (2006)

Paula

Who's laughing now?

Kit

I smell something. Do you smell something?

Paula

Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

Kit

No, that's not it. I smell... fun.

Paula

What?

Kit

You are a little fun-haver.

Kit

Shut up, whore!

Paula

Oh I'm sorry, was I sipping too loudly for you?

Kit

No, you were not sipping too loudly. It's that bird outside my dang window!

Paula

Oh.

Kit

What the hell kind of devil bird chirps at night?

Paula

Come on, Tripp. Please, you don't understand.

Tripp

You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, [handing $300 to Paula] but that's everything I've got in my wallet. There's three hundred dollars.

Paula

Oh, come on, Tripp!

Tripp

It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.

Paula

Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.

Tripp

Get the hell outta my car.

Kit

Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place. Or anyone I work with.

Paula

Oh good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.

Kit

Yeah!

Paula

Hey, hey.

Kit

Hey, Paula. Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.

Paula

It's Friday.

Kit

Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.

Paula

For the third straight week.

Kit

There's talk of making it permanent.

Paula

Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?

Kit

Right, but for booze.

Tripp

Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday.

Paula

... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

Paula

What's his real name, anyway?

I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.
[the dog whimpers]

Paula

The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.

Tripp

Do you have real feelings?

Paula

Of course I have real feelings!

Tripp

For what?

Paula

For you! And believe me I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well... it was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Where as now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

Paula

Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

A shocking number, actually.

Paula

Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...

... Only what you take with you.

Paula

But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!

He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.

Paula

That's you! You're Luke!

Paula

I'm Paula.

Tripp

I'm Tripp.

Paula

You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

Tripp

I don't think this counts as a first date.

Paula

It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

Tripp

You wanna have a drink tonight?

Paula

Can't. [pause] How about lunch tomorrow?

Paula

Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living in his own by June fifteenth.

Al

Hallelujah!

Paula

Look, many young men who should be able to move out, simply can't. It's called "failure to launch". And that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one. We have a memorable meeting. We get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends, if he has any... Then I let him teach me something... But the bottom line is, he bonds with me. He lets go of you. He moves out.

Al

But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?

Paula

You like nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.

Sue

That is pretty much how it works.

Al

What about?

Paula

Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have...

Sue

Is there anything that we need to do?

Paula

Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

Sue

I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.

Paula

I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.

Tripp

I take it, you like Japanese food?

Paula

Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order a huge desert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.

Tripp

Yeah?

Paula

Does that intimidate you?

Tripp

Not at all.

Paula

I had a nice time.

Tripp

I did, too.

Paula

Good.

Tripp

I had fun.

Paula

Good.

Kit

Shut up! Shut up you crazy bird!"[walking out of her room naked]"

Paula

Hey, Kit.

Kit

What? Hi. Can you guys see me?

Paula

Yeah.

Tripp

Yeah.

Kit

Oh, great.

Tripp

What?

Paula

Dinner and a show. [kisses him] Goodnight.

Tripp

Goodnight.

Paula

He saved my life you know.

He did?

Paula

And now I can't do anything for him, and I...

Paula

I'm so glad you're here. [about her dog] Can I have a minute alone with him? [Tripp leaves. To the Vet] Emotional crisis day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?

Paula

So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.
Tripp: Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.

Paula

Who says you have to be lonely?

Paula

So, you live with your parents?

Tripp

Is that a problem?

Paula

No. Not for me.

Sue

I don't know what to tell you, honey, but that strict program of yours?

Paula

Mmm-mmm...

Sue

You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.

Paula

What?

Sue

The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's getting ready to dump them.

Paula

Really? Well, that's not happening.

Paula

Do you know that I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold.

Kit

From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm?

Paula

Oh!

Kit

No.

Paula

It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.

Kit

First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.

Paula

No, I don't, I don't think that I did that.

My teacher, Miss Kramer has a girlfriend.

Paula

Oh, that's nice.

She's a lesbian.

Paula

Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world.

Kit

Oh, hey, you're home.

Paula

I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.

Kit

Look, I don't see why it’s so complicated. You like Tripp. Tell Tripp you like him.

Tripp

So what do we do now?

Paula

Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun? Or do you want to spend it with me?

Tripp

Hmm...

Paula

Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.

Tripp

We can have a little bit of fun, can't we? Huh?