[Archer and Castor are in a Mexican standoff in the hangar] [jams his pistol into Castor's neck]
Give up, Castor! Your time's up! [beat]
Castor Troy [laughs as his pistol is jammed into Archer's neck]
Well, you better hit me, Sean, 'cause you got only one bullet left!
So do you. [Troy stands up and the two point pistols at each other's heads]
Castor Troy Wow! We've got something in common! We both know our guns.
What we don't have in common is that I don't care if I live, and you do.
Castor Troy Sean, that hurts. You're not having any fun, are you, Sean? Why don't you come with us? Try terrorism-for-hire. We'll blow some shit up! It's more fun!
Castor Troy You watch your **** mouth! I'm about to unleash the biblical plague "Hell-A" deserves! But I'll give this shithole a break if my brother and I walk.
Castor Troy Oh-oh, oh, I-I see, I see. Y-You think I'm bluffing. Maybe I am. But then, maybe, I am not. More importantly, what would you do with me locked up? You'd drive your wife and kid crazy! Say, how is your daughter, anyway? Your... your darling Janie? Your little peach? Is she ripe? Ri-ripe-r...I'M READY!! [pulls the trigger but there is no bullet. Castor drops his gun]
G Guard
[Archer is posing as Castor at Erwhon when a guard opens his cell door]
You've got a visitor.
Castor Troy [Cut to Archer entering the visitor's room. The magnetic boots clamp into place. A door then opens, revealing Castor Troy with Archer's old face. As they exchange looks, Castor smirks. He then **** his head, walks across the room, and eventually breaks into a wide grin]
Oooooo-WEE, you're good lookin'! Ya hot!
Castor Troy [Castor steps towards Archer]
It's like looking in a mirror, only not. [Castor walks around Archer]
Castor Troy Now that is between us. OK?
But you were--were, were, in--in--in-
Castor Troy In a coma?
Castor Troy Nothing like having your face cut off to disturb your sleep! Read the newspaper lately? [thrusts an article in Archer's face headlined "Deadly Inferno at Walsh Institute", with Dr. Walsh's picture]
Castor Troy Yeah well. Beats paying the bill, huh? I mean, come on, uh, if a face lift costs five grand...[shows Archer's wedding ring on his hand] SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE!!??? [In his mind, Archer pictures Tito, bound and gagged alongside Miller and Dr. Walsh, being doused with gasoline]
Tito! [In a flashback, Castor drops his cigarette lighter into a puddle of gasoline, sparking a large inferno]
Castor Troy I torched all the evidence that proves you're you, okay? So, wow! [looks at watch] Looks like you're going to be in here for THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!! Now, I have got to go. I've got a government job to abuse and [whispers into Archer's ear] a lonely wife to ****. Oh, I'm sorry...make love to! God, I miss that face! [He licks the side of Archer's face. Archer promptly grabs Castor by the neck, throws him to the floor, and attempts to strangle him]
Castor Troy [Castor drives into Archer's neighborhood and glances at the various houses as he drives by]
Look at this place. I'm in hell! I may never do a hard on again.
Castor Troy [Eve is just coming down the front steps when Castor drives past the house. He recognizes her a moment too late and slams on the brakes]
Oh, yes. Here we go.
EA Dr. Eve Archer
[He speedily backs the car up to the curb. As he gets out, he pulls down his sunglasses and smirks at Eve]
Well I suppose it was only a matter of time before you forgot where we lived.
Castor Troy Come on, give me a break. Every house on this block looks the same. [walks around Eve] The nice part of you....Eve. My one and only Eve.
EA Dr. Eve Archer
So how was your vital assignment?
Castor Troy Which one was that?
EA Dr. Eve Archer
[scoffs]
How should I know, Sean? [beat]
Castor Troy Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! The uh, the out-of-body experience, yes. That one.
Castor Troy [Castor finds Eve's diary in her desk drawer. He flips it open to a recent entry]
"Date night. Fizzled again. We haven't made love in two months." What a loser. [He ponders, but suddenly hears "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" playing. Cut to Jamie in her bedroom chatting on the phone with her boyfriend in just her panties and t-shirt as the music plays on her stereo]
JA Jamie Archer
I got your email, Karl. The poem you sent me was pretty kinky. [Castor slowly pushes the door open]
Castor Troy [inhales]
The plot thickens... [Jamie looks up and glares at Castor]
JA Jamie Archer
[on the phone]
Hang on a second. [She attempts to slam the door in Castor's face. Castor steps forward and keeps it from closing] I'll have to call you back. [hangs up] You're not respecting my boundaries.
Castor Troy I'm coming in, Janie.
JA Jamie Archer
Janie? [Castor glances at Jamie's bed pillow, with her name stitched on it]
Castor Troy I don't think you heard me, Jamie. You got something I crave. [Castor presses himself up against Jamie as he reaches around her to grab her cigarettes]
JA Jamie Archer
Clarissa left those here.
Castor Troy Oh, well I won't tell mom if you don't. [He lights a cigarette]
JA Jamie Archer
When did you start smoking?
Castor Troy You'll be seeing a lot of changes around here. [blows smoke rings in Jamie's face] Papa's got a brand new bag! OW! [Jamie laughs. Castor slowly walks out of the room singing along to the music]
B Buzz
[Castor walks into the FBI observation room as Wanda and Buzz watch Pollux eating a gourmet meal, singing opera, and waving his utensils like a conductor]
Sir, we just wanted you to know....
W Wanda
We're all really sorry about Tito.
Castor Troy [sips his coffee]
Oh, hey, shit happens, you know. So is our star witness talking?
B Buzz
Yeah, about what kind of mustard he likes on his tongue sandwiches.
W Wanda
That bomb is out there. We're almost out of time.
Castor Troy [bites his lip]
Hmmm.... [A door flies open and Lazarro comes into the room]
VL Victor Lazarro
Archer! [Castor turns to Lazarro] You made a deal with Pollux Troy. That isn't like you.
Castor Troy Well, when all else fails, fresh tactics! [winks at Lazarro]
VL Victor Lazarro
Fresh? Let me tell you my fresh tactic: from now on, everything to do with this case goes through me, you understood?
Castor Troy Hmmm.
VL Victor Lazarro
Good! Thanks.
Castor Troy [Lazarro leaves the office. Castor switches off the interrogation room video camera. Pollux rises as Castor comes in, chuckling] [turns off the recorder]
You're supposed to be snitching and making me look good!
PT Pollux Troy
Look good?
Castor Troy Mmm-hmm. [Castor sits down on the edge of the table]
PT Pollux Troy
Seeing that face on you makes me afraid my tiramisu might come back up.
Castor Troy Well think about me. This nose. This hair. This ridiculous chin. [sighs] Brother, we're going straight.
PT Pollux Troy
Ooh, my goodness. Did you exchange brains as well?
Castor Troy The first thing I need you to "confess" to is the location of the bomb.
PT Pollux Troy
What about our $10 million?
Castor Troy What about "when I become an American hero for defusing the bomb?" What's that worth? Know that, thank you! Next question!
Castor Troy [The two laugh. Castor grins and wags a finger in Pollux's face]
You're not the only one in the family with the brains.
PT Pollux Troy
No. Although now I am the only one with the looks.
Castor Troy Touché.
W Wanda
[Castor-as-Archer has just returned to the office after being taken to the grave of Archer's son that he killed years ago]
You turned your beeper off.
Castor Troy Well, it's my son's birthday.
W Wanda
Well, here's some poetic justice, sir: Castor Troy is dead.
B Buzz
He got killed while trying to escape Erewhon. [Castor turns to them]
Castor Troy Where's his body? I wanna see his body.
W Wanda
It hasn't been recovered yet.
Castor Troy [explodes]
"It hasn't been recovered yet"?! [beat] Get the LAPD on this!
W Wanda
Even if he is alive, Castor isn't stupid enough to come back to this city!
Castor Troy You-you must trust me. He's already here.
Castor Troy [Castor has just rescued Jamie from an attempted rape]
Dress up like Halloween, and ghouls will try and get in your pants.
JA Jamie Archer
Typical, Dad. Some guy tries to rape me and I'm to blame? [Castor hands Jamie a cigarette. She accepts and lights one]
Castor Troy [sits down in a chair]
This isn't you. You haven't been the same since Mike died. Hiding behind someone else's face. Hoping you wouldn't feel the pain. While we're talking, do you have protection?
JA Jamie Archer
Protection? You mean like a condom? [Castor pulls a butterfly knife from his pants pocket]
Castor Troy Protection. Next time, let Karl take his pants down, slip this in his thigh, twist it, so the wound won't close. Go on. Get out of here. [Jamie leaves; Castor reclines in his chair] I am the king.
Castor Troy [Castor and Archer are divided by a glass wall and have their guns drawn] [sighs]
I don't know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean, I certainly do enjoy boning your wife, but let's face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don't we just trade back?
You can't give back what you've taken from me.
Castor Troy Oh, well... Plan B: Lets just kill each other.
VL Victor Lazarro
[Castor sits down in his office to sulk. Seconds later, Lazarro comes in]
Sean? Look, we're friends. So I'm going to tell you face-to-face. I don't give a damn if you are TIME's Man of the Year. After last night's bloodbath, I am terminating your war on terrorists. [Castor's eyes flash with rage]
Castor Troy Is that because I'm getting all the kudos, and you're not?
VL Victor Lazarro
Yes, well. I don't know where you're getting your intelligence. It's not from a field agent. Obviously you know too much. Washington's starting to worry. Justice wants a hearing. They're concerned about the constitutionality of your gestapo tactics and frankly, so am I! [He clutches his chest, feeling palpitations. Castor takes notice of this]
Castor Troy OK, Victor, I'll, uh, give the taxpayers a break. [puts his hand on Lazarro's shoulder] But I've got something I'd like to confess. I don't think you're going to like it. [puts his mouth on Lazarro's ear] I am Castor Troy... [He throws Lazarro to the floor and punches him in the chest hard enough to stop his heart completely. Castor collects himself and picks up his desk phone]
Castor Troy Timmy? Kim?
Castor Troy Call paramedics. Victor Lazarro's had a heart attack.
K Kim
I'll come right away.
Castor Troy Thank you.
[Castor-as-Archer, and Archer-as-Castor, are in a Mexican standoff in the church]
This is between us. Leave them out of it.
Castor Troy No. You should have left them out of it. Your son was an accident. I wanted to kill you. But, you took it so personally. Why couldn't you just kill yourself or let it go?
Castor Troy No brother could either.
SH Sasha Hassler
[coming in]
Neither could a sister. Hey baby. [give a spare gun to Archer as Castor]
Castor Troy [annoyed]
Sasha, what the **** are you doing here?
SH Sasha Hassler
Gee, Archer, I'm crashing the party. You okay, baby?
Castor Troy Sasha... baby, I'm Castor. That's Archer.
SH Sasha Hassler
[disbelieving Castor when he tells her his real identity and still believes him as the real Archer]
And I'm bored. Put the **** gun down.
H2 Henchman #2
(coming behind Sasha)
Why don't you put your guns down?
Castor Troy [Jamie points a gun at Castor-as-Archer and Archer-as-Castor]
Ah, good girl, Jamie! Shoot him!
Honey, don't listen to him, honey! He's not your father! Hear my voice! I'm your father!
Castor Troy Use your eyes, Jamie! Shoot him!
Don't shoot, don't shoot! Just, just...
Castor Troy This scumbag... this scumbag shot your brother, Jamie! Kill him!
[Jamie shoots Archer in the shoulder]
