Ira Kane quotes from Evolution (2001)

Ira Kane

Allow me to share something with the entire class. Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same old, boring magazine everyday. The end". And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be, I still could not bring myself to put an "A" on top of those beauties. I hope you understand, guys.

Harry Block

Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, didn't you?

Ira Kane

Were you even in that courtroom?

Block

Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.

Kane

Oh, we've been hit!

Block

Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!

Ira Kane

Hey, cool. Snag one.

Harry Block

Snag one?

Kane

Yeah, snag one and put it in the bucket.

Block

I've seen this movie, the black dude dies first. You snag it.

What do we do?

We might have to amputate.

Saw.

Harry Block

Whoa, Doc, don't take my leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.

Ira Kane

Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Wait, doctor, look.

Ooh. [looks in bug inside, crawling] It's headed for his testicles.

Block

Take it, take it! Take the leg!!

Wait, wait, wait!

Block

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It's going the other way.

Alright, give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.

How are you going in?

Rectally.

Harry

NOOOO!

I'll get the lubricant.

There's no time for lubricant.

Harry

THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBRICANT!!

Harry Block

Wayne! I think we've established that "Ca-caw, ca-caw" and "Tookie, tookie" don't work.

Right. Sorry. [starts singing into the mike] You are so beautiful to me.

Ira Kane

Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.

Block

Uh-uh, stand down. I'm taking this one out myself.

You are so beautiful to me.

Block

Wayne, would you please stop? You're embarrassing me.

Ira Kane

Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.

Harry Block

Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

Wayne Grey. Did some chemistry in high school.

There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I don't know exactly how.

Ira Kane

Well, we're all adults here, and we're all about to die a very horrible death anyway, so?

I would've rocked your world.

Kane

You already have.