Kenny quotes from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)

Isn't your mom like leaving for months?

Kenny

Oh, you're right. BYE MOM, HAVE A BLAST!

Kenny

Um... what should we do with her body?

Call an ambulance, call the cops, I don't know. Well, I mean they're gonna come and get her and they're gonna ask us a lotta questions...

Kenny

They'll probably blame us.

They'll definitely call Mom.

Melissa

SHE'LL blame us.

Kenny

Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home and then be in our faces.

I don't want Mom to come home.

Zach

I don't either.

Go get that tape measure thing out of the garage.

Kenny

Would you stop ordering us around, you're not the babysitter.

That's right Kenny, the babysitter is dead. Just do it.

Kenny

This place is a crock. We're never gonna make it through the summer. Man, I'm gonna hold up at Lizard's.

Oh, that's real brotherly of you Kenny. Always taking the easy way out. Don't you have any pride?

Kenny

No.

Melissa

I got an idea. When our food runs out, we can eat Elvis.
[the dog Elvis runs out of the room]

Kenny, why don't you save your last three brain cells, you might need them.

Kenny

I won't!

Did you turn the air conditioner on?

Kenny

Yeah, well I was hot.

Look I'm stuck with the bills, I would like to keep that thermostat at seventy-six, okay?

Kenny

Wow, you take these things so personally.

Kenny

While you're off at the office all day doing interesting office things, I'm stuck here. Cooking and cleaning and mowing, helping Melissa with her fastball, being a role model for Zach, spending quality time with Walter, doing your party shit! You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore. And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh? You know, I'm sick and tired of not being appreciated.

I appreciate you.

Kenny

Eat some of this.

Kenny

Sure she's gonna fit?

How should I know? I've never done this before.

Kenny

Well, neither have I.

Zach

I think we should measure her first.

Melissa

Let's hack off her head!

Walter

Yeah!

Uh, alright, go get that, uh, metal tape measure thing out of the garage.

Kenny

Would you stop ordering us around, you're not the babysitter.

That's right Kenny, the babysitter is dead. Now just do it.

Where are the kids?

Kenny

Zach's at Cynthia's, Melissa's upstairs, and Walter's asleep. [Throws the can of Easy-Off into the oven and shuts the door]

What's wrong with you?

Kenny

Nothing is wrong with me. [pulls the gloves off and throws them on the counter]

Did you burn something?

Kenny

Yeah, well, maybe if you'd called and told me you were gonna be, like... three-and-a-half hours late, I could've planned my dinner better.

I had to work late, OK?

Kenny

You still shoulda called. I sat and I waited. I went ahead and I fed the kids. I worked all day on that casserole.

Sorry.

Kenny

You haven't even said how nice the house looks. You're off at the office all day doing interesting office things. I'm stuck here. Cooking and cleaning and mowing, helping Melissa with her fastball, being a role model for Zach, spending quality time with Walter, doin' your party shit! You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore. And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh? Y'know what? I'm sick and tired of not bein' appreciated.

I appreciate you.

Kenny

Eat shit! [storms into the living room and starts whisking the couch]

I don't believe this! I get to get up at 5:30 every morning so I can beat rush hour traffic and go sit behind a desk for eight hours and miss Oprah Winfrey every day on my summer vacation. And then, I get to drive home in gridlock in a VOLVO with no air conditioning just so I can take care of you guys and put food on the damn table! It's a rat race and it sucks, Kenny. So what do you want, a medal?... Oh come on, you don't have to do all this. I mean, I never asked you to whisk the couch.

Kenny

Well, it needed it.