Dan in Real Life (2007) · 37 quotes
Mitch
Dad, Mom, what do you think of...?
Mitch, it's just too soon to tell!
That said...she's bright, lovely, adorable, and if you botch this up, we'll keep her and get rid of you.
Dan
I'm sorry. I was way, way out of line.
Mitch
No. You're never out of line, you're my brother.
Dan
I think you'll understand when I--
Mitch
Look, bro, there's nothing you could say or do that could upset me.
Dan
The woman I met, at the book store--
Mitch
When you were talking about the other girls, I realized what I feel for Marie is different. You know that feeling in um...your...
Dan
Your heart.
Mitch
Yeah, your heart. And your heart is...
Dan
It's pounding.
Mitch
yes.
Dan
Like it's right outside of your ribs.
Mitch
Yeah.
Dan
And it feels exposed and vulnerable, wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive all at the same time.
Mitch
Yes! What do you call that?
Dan
Love.
Dan, hi.
Dan
Hey.
Honey, you know we're worried about you. You know that.
And with your behavior last night and this morning, we are now officially worried.
Dan
Well, I'm touched but, but, I'm fine.
We're having a discussion.
Dan
No, no, come on in.
Dan, this is private, we'd like to talk to you.
Dan
Go ahead.
You know, you do so much for your girls, you do so much for all of us. But what are you doing for yourself?
Dan
Come on in.
Can we come in?
Dan
It's fine. Stay please.
We'd like to speak to you privately.
Dan
Go ahead, mom.
Grandma?
Yes, dear?
Is this because Uncle Dan's acting so weird?
Yes, and you know, there's an explanation for all that weirdness.
Dan
Please, tell us!
And I just wanted to talk to you: You have got to be WAY backed up, and I just hope that form time to time, you're treating yourself to a little self love.
Oh, come on!
I talked to my neurologist about this!
That's enough!
That's not what this is about!
The one question that no one will ask is: will Dan ever find love again?
No, he won't.
Howard!
No, I'm sorry, he won't. If you're open to it, love will find you.
Dan
Oh, perfect. [laughs]
I don't know if I was being clear before, but you've got to unclog that drain.
Dan
Uh-huh.
Unplug that bottle...I think I mixed the metaphor there.
Dan
So far what you've missed is; worried, love will find, unplug the drain. Well, thanks we are done!
No, no. That is not it. We met Margo Draper's daughter at the farmer's market and she asked all about you.
You see Danny, you have to have a little fun.
Which means she's going to pick you up, and you're going to have drinks! You're going on a date!
Dan
No mom!
Yes, honey! It's TIME.
Mitch
Ruthy 'Pig-face' Draper? Come on mom!
She's not a Pig-face!
Ruthy 'Pig-face' Draper...come on that is downright cruel!
Dan
Mom, I don't even remember Ruthy 'Pig-face' Draper. I don't wanna go! I don't want to go with...the...pig-face!
Mitch
So, Harvard Medical, Johns Hopkins, you're certainly doing well for yourself Ruthy.
Dan
Yeah, it's impressive.
Mitch
Must not leave enough time, though, for dating.
Well, there was someone...um, he was very special in my life, but um...[starts to cry] he was...lost in a...freak accident, I'm so sorry! What's weird is that we had only known each other three days, but you know how sometimes you just...know.
Mitch
Dude I'm sorry, but any girl that moves like that...a guy has got to wonder.
Dan
Hey! [points to Marie]
Mitch
Oh, no, she's cool. Marie, you're cool right?
Marie
Of course! I'm cool. But I don't think Dan's interested in her.
Mitch
He's not?
Dan
I'm not?
Marie
I don't think you are. Are you? [Dan gets up to go dance with Ruthy]
Mitch
Oh, alright! I don't know, but it seems like something was holding him back before.
Marie
Not anymore.
Mitch
Please stop trying to act normal. She said I was a great guy, that she loved me a lot, and then she said...we should both go try to find our own true soul mates. I'm so confused, I don't understand what happened from yesterday to today that made this happen. There has to be something, some reason she...
Dan
Why are you looking at me?
Mitch
I'm not looking at you.
He's looking into the vast void that is his future; you just happen to be there.
Dan
Girls, you can leave if you want.
Oh, if it's alright, perhaps they should stay. We like to keep the whole family involved.
Mitch
Well Danny here knows all about keeping things in the family, don't you Dan?
Columnist's Daughter: Well, see, that's why we're so drawn to you. What you represent in your column; your personal values...
Your personal characteristics that are reflected in your writing are very impressive.
Columnist's Daughter: Honesty, Trustworthiness.
We have great plans for you Dan. We try to do what you keep telling your readers to do.
Dan
What's that?
Put family first.
Dan
Okay, okay, here's the thing: Somebody hasn't been reading his own column.
