Phil Berquist If hate were people, I'd be China!!
Played by Daniel Stern 
City Slickers (1991) · 46 quotes
City Slickers (1991) · 46 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in City Slickers (1991): in 14 of its 46 quotes
Most scenes with: Mitch Robbins (9), Ed Furillo (7)
Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!
More lines from Phil Berquist
4 quotes Phil Berquist Phil Berquist [at Curly's impromptu funeral]
The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!
Phil Berquist [Seeing Bonnie for the first time]
You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive.
Phil Berquist I've gotta stop being a schmuck.
Scenes with Phil Berquist
9 scenes Phil Nancy! What are you doing here?
Nancy I'm late. I missed my period.
Phil What?
Nancy I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from Aisle 11.
Phil The ones that are on special?
Nancy Yes, and it came up blue!
Arlene
Why is she telling you this, Phil?
Phil Because... because I'm her boss! And... we have a health plan!
Arlene
You son of a bitch, you had a thing with this little girl in my father's store?
Phil No...no!
Nancy It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.
Phil Oh, Jesus.
Arlene
Get out of this house, you little whore!
Phil Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
Arlene
Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil No, do not call Mr Levine! Hey! Put down that phone...
[struggles to take the phone from her}
Arlene
You're crazy!
Phil That's right - not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!
Arlene
[leaving the room]
I'll call from the bedroom.
Phil The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
Arlene
[from the other room]
I'm calling...
Phil Go ahead, call him, I'm sure he's home! It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?
Arlene
I hate you!
Phil I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!
I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
What's wrong with it?
Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.
I'm proud of what I do.
Phil So is the President; he doesn't wear his picture on his suit.
Ben Jessup Hi.
I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods.
Show him your jacket.
Phil I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family.
His jacket's being made.
Phil Oh yeah, big schmuck; a big one!
So, what was your best day, Phil?
Phil Believe it or not, my wedding day.
You're kidding!
Phil No, seriously! Arlene looked great; those water pills really helped. I looked out and saw my old man sitting there, and he winked at me. It was like, I've made it. I'm not a goofball anymore.
What was your worst day?
Phil Every day since is a tie.
Alright Ed, your best day, what was it? Twins in a trapeze, what?
No, I don't wanna play.
C'mon, we did it.
I don't feel like it.
Uh, okay.
[Ed pauses, then begins to speak]
I'm fourteen and my mother and father are fighting again. Y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him; this time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him; I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.
Phil What was your worst day?
It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem.
Phil Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?
Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.
Phil O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.
O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.
Phil Yeah it does.
No it doesn't.
Phil It does!
No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil What... the TV or... or the machine?
The TV.
Phil You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil How would I see it?
Well to see it you need a TV.
Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it, please!
Phil [to Mitch, after a brief pause]
How do you do the clock?
Phil THEY'RE GAINING ON US!
Andele, ANDELE!
Phil Alright what is the best day of your life?
You mean ever?
Phil Yeah, best day ever in your whole life. And you can’t do when your kids were born, that’s too easy.
I got one; I’m seven years old and my dad takes me to Yankee Stadium. My first game. We go under this long, dark tunnel underneath the stands. I’m holding his hand and we come up out of the tunnel into the light. It was huge. How green the grass was, brown dirt. And that great green copper roof, remember? We had a black and white tv so this was the first came I ever saw in color. Sat there the whole game next to my dad. He taught me how to keep score, Mickey hit one out.
Phil Good day.
And I still have the program.
Phil Alright, what was the worst day you ever had?
Worst day. Couple years ago Barbara finds a lump.
Phil What?
Jesus.
Yeah, it scared the shit out of me.
Phil You ever said anything.
Yeah, well, you know, it turned out to be nothing but that whole day was…
Yeah but that was a good day.
How?
Because it turned out to be nothing.
Yeah but the whole day until then was horrible.
Yeah but it came out good. You’re a real “the glass is half empty” kind of a guy, you know that? I don’t know how Barbara can stand it.
Yeah.
Phil Alright I got one: my best day.
This isn’t the one about Arlene and that loose step, is it?
Phil No, no, my wedding day.
What?
Phil Yeah! Remember that day? Outdoor wedding, Arlene looked great. Those water pills really worked. You guys are all smiling at me and my dad in the front, gives me a little wink. You know? I mean he’s not the warmest of men but he winked. I was the first one of us to get married and have a real job and I remember thinking “I’m grown up. You know, I’m not a goofball anymore. I made it.” I felt like a man. It was the best day of my life.
What was your worst day?
Phil Every day since is a tie…
[They all laugh]
