Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn
[Narrating an animated/live action flashback of her origins]
They say "If you want to tell a story right, you gotta start at the beginning". [A sperm cell penetrates an oval cell] Too far? Fine. This is me, Harleen Quinzel. When I was a kid, my dad traded me for a six-pack of beer, but however many times he tried to ditch me, I kept coming back. Eventually, he found me a new home; the good sisters of St. Bernadette's taught me a lot. But I was never an "establishment" kinda gal. All things considered, I did good. I even went to college, got my Ph.D., Had my heart broken once or twice; finding love, it's not easy. So I threw myself into my work, became a psychiatrist. That's when I met him – Mister J, my Joker! Oh, I fell hard – like "out of a plane without a parachute, right on your dumb **** face" kinda hard! I lost all sense of who I was, I only had eyes for Puddin’. We all know the saying: "Behind every successful man, there's a badass broad". Well, that was me! I was the brains behind some of Mister J's greatest stunts! Not that he let anyone know it. I guess all good things have to come to an end. So... we broke up.
Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn
Number one, no one is like me. If you wanted to even come close, you would have to go to medical school. Become a psychiatrist, work in an asylum. Fall in love with your patient, break said patient out of said asylum. Begin a life of crime. Jump into a vat of chemicals to prove yourself to a madman. Get arrested by the Batman. Go back to jail, get out of jail with a bomb on your neck. Save the world, go back to jail, and break out of jail before breaking up with the before mentioned madman and going out on your own. Number two... Six bucks for tap water with a **** cucumber stick in it? That's crazy. I'm not shopping at this store. I'm robbing this store. Consider this your first lesson. Paying is for dummies.
BC Black Canary
Hey, nice. What the hell is up with this bow and arrow shtick?
H Huntress
It's not a **** bow and arrow, it's a crossbow! I'm not twelve!
BC Black Canary
[chuckling]
I love this chick, she's got rage issues.
H Huntress
I DON'T HAVE RAGE ISSUES--!
Harley Quinn
Y'know... psychologically speaking, vengeance rarely brings the catharsis we hope for.
Harley Quinn
Are we ready?
DM Distant man
[Dinah Lance walks into apartment complex coming across Cassandra sitting on steps looking dejected]
You're the one who wanted the kid! I never wanted her!
Dinah Lance
Let me guess. Parents?
Cassandra Cain
Foster parents.
Dinah Lance
Right. Sorry, kid.
Cassandra Cain
Sorry about your face. Shit, you do have something on your face.
Dinah Lance
You should've seen the other guy. Uh...
DM Distant man
I want that kid out of my **** house!
Dinah Lance
You know, kid, not every day is gonna be like this. You just gotta hang in there. [Puts dollar bill on stairway railing post] Get something to eat. Stay outta that. It's not worth it.
DM Distant man
Don't talk to me like that!
...
Harley Quinn
Canary spends the next week settling in to her new job as Roman's personal driver.
Roman Sionis
[Walks to vehicle in fish market]
Ew. Okay.
Harley Quinn
What she didn't know is that driving Mr. Face-peely-pants was gonna put her right in the crosshairs of my favorite little piggy.
...
RM Renee Montoya
[Approaches Dinah leaving apartment]
Dinah Lance?
Dinah Lance
Who the hell are you?
RM Renee Montoya
I'm Renee Montoya, detective with GCPD. Your predecessor and I had an arrangement.
Dinah Lance
Oh, really?
RM Renee Montoya
He told me that there was a shipment coming in. A diamond. A very special diamond.
Dinah Lance
Yeah, not interested, lady. Thanks for the coffee. [Starts walking down hallway]
RM Renee Montoya
Do you know who you're working for?
Dinah Lance
Damn right, I do. He's the man who gave me a job. Took me off the streets. [Starts walking down stairs]
RM Renee Montoya
Yeah, well, he's also a very dangerous man. A criminal. A murderer. What would your mother think of you working for a guy like that, huh? You have the same power she had. Don't you think she would want you to use it?
Dinah Lance
[Turns and walks back up stairs]
The hell do you know about my mother?
RM Renee Montoya
Back in the day, she used to help the GCPD. She was a good woman.
Dinah Lance
Yeah. She was a damn good woman. The kind of woman who put everyone else's lives before her own. And when she was found dead in the street, where the **** were you and your boys in blue then? Now you wanna come and knock on my door and ask me to help you out and make the same mistake she did? Yeah. Good luck with that.
RM Renee Montoya
That's fair enough. And I'm sorry for your loss. For the record, that would never happen on my watch.
Dinah Lance
All right. We can go.
Victor
I'll take that.
Dinah Lance
Mr. S said for me to hold on to it.
Victor
Go get your car.
Harley Quinn
[Voiceover]
That rock. That rock's about to become the key to whether or not I live to enjoy my newfound independence.
Dinah Lance
[Thwarts Cassandra's pickpocketing attempt at her vehicle]
Get off me. What the hell are you doing here?!
Cassandra Cain
You're not the only one who makes money off of dumb, rich, white people!
Dinah Lance
Well, you know what? One day you're gonna pick the wrong pocket, sis.
Cassandra Cain
Okay. Whatever. [Walks across street]
Dinah Lance
Dumb-ass kids.
Cassandra Cain
I really like your earrings.
M1 Man 1
There's the thief. There's the thief.
Cassandra Cain
Get off of me!
M2 Man 2
That little girl took my watch.
Cassandra Cain
I didn't do nothing.
Victor
Where the ****'s the diamond? I just **** had it.
...
Harley Quinn
[Voiceover]
In the storytelling business, this dummy swallowing that diamond is called a complication. A complication I didn't exactly need right now. [Multiple police officers approaching her cornered in an alleyway] Parley?
...
Dinah Lance
We lost the diamond.
Roman Sionis
[Receiving botox injections]
What?!
Dinah Lance
We're really sorry, Mr. S. This kid...
Victor
We never even got our hands on it.
BI Botox injectionist
[Roman grabs his hand tightly and swipes it away]
Ow! Help!
Roman Sionis
Get out! Get out of here! [To woman burning sage] You, too! Go! With your **** sage stinking my place up. **** off!
Victor
Here she is. [Hands over a police perp profile paper]
Roman Sionis
[Holds up paper]
She's a child!
Dinah Lance
She's just a kid. She's... [To subordinate] What?!
S Subordinate
We have Harley Quinn downstairs, as requested.
Roman Sionis
[Crumples up and throws paper]
**** off! Get out! [Throws pillow on floor] **** out! ****! These are my things! This diamond is my things!
Victor
Yes.
Roman Sionis
My things! [Throws pillow] **** ****! I don't ask for much, do I?!
Victor
No.
Roman Sionis
Why is this happening to me?! Why?!
Victor
[Restraining Roman]
I'm gonna get your diamond back. I promise. Why don't we go downstairs and kill that Harley bitch? Blow off a little steam.
Roman Sionis
Yeah, I have wanted to do that for quite some time. Okay. I'll go get changed. [Walks off]
Cassandra Cain
["Some Frida Khalo-looking asshole" fires shot at Harley's vehicle waking up Casandra]
Whoa.
Harley Quinn
Oh, good. You're awake. Toss that for me, will ya? [Hands ignited dynamite stick to Cassandra who throws it out of vehicle window which detonates the pursuer's vehicle]
Cassandra Cain
What the ****?! Who did I just blow up?!
Harley Quinn
Either someone who wants me dead, or someone looking to collect the half-million dollar reward on your head.
Cassandra
Half a million dollars?!
Harley Quinn
Yeah.
Cassandra Cain
Do I look like I'm worth half a million dollars?!
Harley Quinn
Not really.
Cassandra Cain
You've got the wrong kid! Now, uncuff me!
Harley Quinn
Oh, sure. As soon as you give me the diamond.
Cassandra Cain
What diamond?! [Harley steers sharply onto an adjacent street jumping a curb nearly missing a pedestrian and stops]
Harley Quinn
Look at me!
Cassandra Cain
What?! I don't know nothing about no diamond!
Harley Quinn
The inflection in your voice, the way you can't hold eye contact, and the fact that you're a filthy little thief, all suggest that you do. Now, you can give it to me, or I can give you to the man that diamond belongs to. But trust me when I say, you're not gonna like what he's gonna do to ya. Now, hand it over!
Cassandra Cain
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Harley Quinn
Come again?
Cassandra Cain
I said I can't.
Harley Quinn
One more time.
Cassandra Cain
I can't give it to you.
Harley Quinn
Why not?
Cassandra Cain
Because I ate it, okay?
