Dean Martin [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business]
Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.
Dr. Phillip Barbay [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside]
David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.
Dean Martin Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.
Dr. Phillip Barbay [glaring at Martin in dismay]
It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!
[chiming in]
Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Dr. Phillip Barbay I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon. [turns on heel and heads to his car]
T Dr. Turner
[Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way]
Who is that?
Dr. Phillip Barbay That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
T Dr. Turner
Oh, I think he was just having fun.
Dr. Phillip Barbay Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.
T Dr. Turner
Oh, Phillip.
Welcome to Contemporary American History. I'm Professor Turgeson. I know a lot of people think history is just facts, just information about the past - but not me. I hold history very sacred, sacred. The way a farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred, the way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred, the way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last twenty years of American history? Now, can someone tell me why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
S Student
The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes.
Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there! I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [starting to shout] I was up to my knees in rice paddies, WITH GUNS THAT DIDN'T WORK, GOING UP AGAINST CHARLIE, SLUGGING IT OUT WITH HIM, WHILE PUSSIES LIKE YOU WERE BACK HERE PARTYING, PUTTING HEADBANDS ON, DOING DRUGS, LISTENING TO THE GODDAMN BEATLE ALBUMS! OHHHH! OHHHH! OH...!
Hey Professor, take it easy, will you? I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time! And me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover!
[chuckles]
Well! I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mr. Helper! But since you wanna help, maybe you can help me, okay? You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago called the Korean conflict? Yeah, and how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China, [rips a desk apart] THEN TAKE IT APART BRICK BY BRICK, AND NUKE THEM BACK INTO THE **** STONE AGE FOREVER?! HOW COME?! TELL ME WHY! SAY IT! SAY IT!
[incensed]
All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!
Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
[chuckling to his classmates]
Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what, I have no idea.
Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.
[knock on door]
I don't understand a word of it.
So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
KV Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there] [removing his hat]
Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Player #1 Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
Derek Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
Player #1 [to Jason]
You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
Player #1 Shut up, meat-head!
Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
Player #1 Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
[points at Lou]
HE gets physical.
Lou [Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand] [stepping up to the player]
You got a problem?
Player #1 No. I haven't got a problem.
Lou Well, now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
[after a student explains the reasons for the Vietnam War]
Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [shouting] I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China? [rips a desk apart] Then take the **** wall apart [shouts] brick by brick and nuke them back into the stone age forever?! Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!
[incensed]
All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!
Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
[chuckling to his classmates]
Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.
Security Guard [after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl]
Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...
But a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids. [hands officer cash]
Security Guard I don't have any kids.
No kids? Well, get yourself some. Take it all. [hands officer more cash] And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!
Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.
11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.
No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.
All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.
