Most scenes together: Mortimer Brewster & Teddy (19), Elaine Harper & Teddy (8), Teddy & Abby (7)
Arsenic and Old Lace quotes
Page 1 of 5Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so crowded anyone thinks they can be put in here. We've always wanted a double funeral. But I refuse to hold services for a total stranger.
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
I'll knock you off, you big stiff! You're a bum!
Cab Driver I'm not a cab driver. I'm a Coffee Pot!
Cab Driver I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!
Where am I? Oh, here I am.
We got a hot stiff on our hands!
One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Police Sgt. Brophy They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.
Reporter Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.
Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.
He said I looked like Boris Karloff!
But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
One thing at a time!
But, Mortimer — Niagara Falls.
Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.
I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?
[He pushes her out and slams the door]
And now doctor... we go to work!
No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Pull yourself together, doctor!
I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.
Dr. Einstein?
Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar—
I am Jonathan Brewster!
Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
I beg your pardon. Who are you?
I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
No, you're not Wilson, but your face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now — perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.