Teddy CHAAARGE!!!
Played by John Alexander 
Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) · 62 quotes
Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) · 62 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Arsenic and Old Lace (1944): in 33 of its 62 quotes
Most scenes with: Mortimer Brewster (19), Elaine Harper (8), Abby (7)
I shall be in my office vetoing some bills.
More lines from Teddy
3 quotes Teddy Teddy Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
Mr. Witherspoon: [offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!
Teddy (when told that his "term of office" is over)
Is this March the 4th? (Mortimer: Practically.)
Scenes with Teddy
29 scenes
At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
One thing at a time!
Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls — all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
Teddy Brewster I must be catching cold.
No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
Rev. Harper
Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
Oh, no.
Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it.
And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
I've got thirteen!
No, Johnny, twelve — don't brag.
Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Phoenix?
The filling station...
Filling station? Oh!
Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend.
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy Code for Roosevelt?
Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Rooster!
Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Crows.
It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy On the veldt!
There you are: crows — veldt!
Teddy Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.
I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?
[He pushes her out and slams the door]
Teddy Mr. Witherfork!
Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon!
But, Mortimer — Niagara Falls.
Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.
Dr. Einstein?
Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar—
I am Jonathan Brewster!
Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy I beg your pardon. Who are you?
I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy No, you're not Wilson, but your face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now — perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
[Speaking of a character in a play he has seen]
He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied — the big dope!
You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.
You mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.
He said I looked like Boris Karloff!
Teddy's killed a man, darlings!
Oh, nonsense!
But there's a body in the window seat.
Yes, dear, we know.
You know?
Of course.
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
But...but...
Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Forget?!
We never dreamed you'd peek.
Men don't just get into window seats and die!
Of course not, dear. He died first.
But how?
The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this, Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!
Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.
Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.
Teddy Dr. Livingstone?
Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone?
Uh, that's what he presumes.
Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name?
Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
Wait outside.
Dr. Gilchrist: But it's Halloween!
Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight
And now doctor... we go to work!
No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Pull yourself together, doctor!
I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
[Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]
Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!
What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me?
We knew you'd find out in time.
Teddy This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you.
My how I've changed.
Teddy [charging up the stairs]
CHARGE!!!Charge the bunk house!!!
Reverend Harper
The bunkhouse?
Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.