Chained Agent
Give me the Jade Buddha!
Okay, okay...What's Budd-air? [knocks the agent out]
Phileas Fogg
Steve Coogan · 19 quotes
Lord Kelvin
Jim Broadbent · 13 quotes
Monique La Roche
Cécile de France · 9 quotes
Passepartout
Jackie Chan · 8 quotes
Colonel Kitchener
Ian McNeice · 6 quotes
Lord Salisbury
David Ryall · 5 quotes
Lord Rhodes
Roger Hammond · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Phileas Fogg & Monique La Roche (7), Lord Kelvin & Colonel Kitchener (6), Phileas Fogg & Passepartout (5)
Around the World in 80 Days quotes
Page 1 of 3It's Inspector Fix! My goodness! He made it round the world before Fogg!
Inspector Fix [with a battle-weary voice]
I came back from India the short way, you ninny!
I take it you don't have Phileas Fogg in that valise?
[Inspector Fix looks in his bag, then shakes his head]
A little Jade Buddha, perhaps?
[throws Inspector Fix out of the window with his luggage.]
Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.
Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.
[opens a sheet of paper and reads from it]
It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.
[cut to Lord Kelvin's office]
MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!
Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–
IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!
PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!
[Kelvin starts attacking Kitchener with quills]
LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal."
General Fang [appearing in the door]
To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.
A woman? In the Royal Academy?
General Fang The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-
Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.
Nothing else.
[walks up to Fang]
Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?
General Fang [as she walks away]
My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.
[Kelvin gets angry and throws a quill at Fang, who catches it in a fan before throwing it back into a painting]
Inspector Fix Out of me way! I used to be somebody important!
Should've thrown him through a higher window. [walks down to Fix and two more officers] Get rid of this buffoon!
Fix [fed up]
Buffoon, eh? Is that the thanks I get for GOING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO STOP FOGG FOR YOU, EH?!!
[everyone gasps after hearing this]
He also sent an evil Chinese warlord to kill Phileas Fogg!
Fix That's right! He did!
Yes?
TELL THEM!
Uh, well...the thing of it is–
You mumbling moron! Salisbury, please translate Kitchener's incoherent blather.
I...he...I... Yes, yes.
Rhodes!
Uh, the thing of it is, I don't want to make a fuss about it...
YOU SPINELESS CRETINS!!
[Kightener, Salisbury and Rhodes are finally fed up with Kelvin's bullying nature] [steps forward]
That man stuck me with quills! BUNCHES OF THEM!!
YES! Lord Kelvin's a bully!
It's true! I hate to admit it, but I'm a battered Lord.
[Everyone gasps again] [scoffs]
Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you halfwits is going to stop me?! You?! You?! You?!
Young girl
The Queen!
The Queen? [laughs] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated, old cow!
[Queen Victoria shows up behind him, looking unamused.]
The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat, royal bottom! [laughs again, then looks nervous] She's behind me, isn't she? [turns around and bows] Your Majesty, I have just apprehended the culprits who robbed the Bank of England.
Inspector Fix [outraged]
Rubbish!
Queen Victoria [Everyone starts protesting.]
QUIET!
Queen Victoria [Everyone stops.]
I love being able to do that. So, Lord Kelvin: unsportsmanlike conduct, attempted murder...trading my arsenal for Buddhas.
How did you know about that?
Queen Victoria [The Queen looks up and winks. One of Kelvin's aides, revealed to have snitched on him about his deal with General Fang, winks back and waves.]
Admit it – you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?
[Everyone nods while Kelvin shakes his head in fear.]
Your Majesty, I assure you there is an explanation for all of this. What it was...I was...I was simply...
Queen Victoria [runs away] [scoffs]
Why do they always run? Arrest him!
[Kelvin runs into several Scotland Yard officers, who place him in a police wagon.]
Get out of my way, you fools! UNHAND ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'll kill you!! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS, FOGG!!!
[The wagon drives away]
What's this thing here blocking my jade reserves? That will certainly have to be demolished.
But that is the Great Wall of China, sir!
...It's not that great.
[just after Philieas has discovered the truth and is leaving]
Don't let him go. He'll be lost by midnight. Go.
[outside, surrounded by thugs with swords to his neck as Passepartout finds him]
More of your relatives, I suppose?
I'm sorry, Phileas.
Don't be, my cheri. I saw the world. I learnt of new cultures. I flew across an ocean. I wore women's clothing. [The crowd murmurs in amusement] Made a friend. [Passepartout smiles] Fell in love. [Monique smiles] Who cares if I lost a wager?
Queen Victoria I do! I've got 20 quid riding on you!
Your Majesty, it has gone 12 noon.
Queen Victoria [smiling]
Correct. Which gives you 24 hours remaining.
Could we have miscounted?
No. I moved Mr. Fogg's watch ahead one hour as we passed each time zone.
The international date line. We set our watches forward at 24 time zones, so... here, it's still day 79.
So we've...
It is a lady. A French lady.
[turning to see General Fang and her henchmen]
She looks like an evil Chinese warlord to me.
General Fang Your journey has caused quite a stir, Mr. Fogg. But I'm afraid it ends here.
Leave them alone, Fang. This has nothing to do with them.
General Fang On the contrary, Lau Xing. Lord Kelvin and I have made new arrangements to conquer Lanzhou. Unfortunately for Mr. Fogg, they entail his... permanent detour.
Time to go. They seem to think we robbed the Bank of England.
That's preposterous! This is merely a desperate attempt by Lord Kelvin to impede my journey! I am a British citizen, I have nothing to fear! [hears shots being fired] Except bullets.
Alms? Alms for the poor?
San Francisco Hobo Arms? You've already got arms. It's money you need.
Wonderful; I can't even scrounge properly.
Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.
Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!
[Everyone laughs]
By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.
We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".
Scientist #1
[whispers in Passepartout's ear]
Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.
Scientist #2
[The whisper passes on]
Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.
Scientist #3
[Passepartout whispers again.]
In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.
Scientist #4
Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.
[Everyone laughs, especially Passepartout]
Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank.
[Everyone gasps in anger.]
Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!
As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.
You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.
Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.
[gets out his pocket watch]
Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.
[Passepartout thinks for a moment]
If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!
[Everyone laughs, even Colonel Kitchener.]
Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.
[Passepartout whispers in a scientist's ear, who passes it on, until it reaches Lord Kelvin.]
Outstanding idea.
[Passepartout smiles.]
Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.
I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs. [Turns to go]
You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.
A wager. £10,000!
Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.
I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.
There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy.
[Chattering begins]
With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.
What?
I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again.
[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]
Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver... oh, nothing!
I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!
[Chattering again]
Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!
[roller-skates up to Kelvin]
History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science...
[Passepartout smiles]
...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!
I risked everything, my entire life's work.
For something you believe in. Nothing could make more sense than that, sir.
[Fogg smiles for a moment]
You're an honourable man, Passepartout, but I'm afraid this was a calamitous lapse of judgement.
[Passepartout turns around and sees a painting of Fogg's family]
Mr Fogg, maybe we should let your family--
There really is no one left to tell. This house and my inventions are all I have.
And a brave new French valet that will help you make it around the world in 80 days.
You really believe we can succeed?
Yes.
Yes! YES... You're mad, we'll be sliced to pieces before we reach India.
[about the goat that ate his paper]
Please keep that inconsiderate beast away from me! And refrain from ridiculous anecdotes.
Indian Child on the train
Why do you not like his story, Mr. Frog?
It's Fogg. Phileas Fogg. How could a man learn to defend himself by watching animals behave like... animals?
It is famous legend.
A ridiculous legend.
Most legends are born from truth.
Yes. But all truths are born from facts. Solid, tangible facts that can be calculated and written down on paper.
And then eaten by a goat. [all the children laugh]
Indian Child on the train
Mr. Feelsillious, when I tell the story of the man who circled the entire world in 80 days, would that not be a legend?
They'll check all trains heading east. Even if we could make it to the coast, we can't sail into Singapore or even Hong Kong, as they're both British colonies.
Does England own everything in Asia?
Not China. Not yet.
Scientist #1
[walks into the room with a piece of paper]
Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.
Aha!
Scientist #1
According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.
That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!
Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?
Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.
One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?
Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?
Sire?
Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!
Yes, sir.
Where are they now?
Scientist #1
They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.
Thank goodness we own India.
I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!