2nd most-quoted character in Around the World in 80 Days (2004): in 13 of its 35 quotes
Most scenes with: Colonel Kitchener (6), Lord Salisbury (5), Lord Rhodes (3)
Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you half-wits is going to stop me? You?! You?! You?! [Little girl: "The Queen!"] The Queen?! [laughing] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated old cow! [as Queen Victoria arrives behind him, looking unamused] The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat royal bottom! [laughs more, then stops nervously] She's behind me, isn't she?
Lord Kelvin And with this draft to develop new applications for copper wire, Dr Ramsey invented this. [displays a Slinky made of copper, then starts speaking with a dark voice] Needless to say, the Royal Academy of Science declared this crackpot "mentally incompetent" and he was duly dispatched to a lunatic asylum.
Lord Kelvin A female General?! What sort of pathetic man takes orders from a woman? [The camera pans out to show a picture of Queen Victoria]
Lord Kelvin We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution", and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".
Lord Kelvin What's the point in hiring a corrupt inspector if he can't even abuse the law properly?!
Lord Kelvin This is the Royal Academy of Science! We don't need to prove anything! Besides, by the time you get out of jail, you'll have lost this wager.
Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.
Lord Kelvin Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.
It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.
Lord Kelvin MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!
Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–
Lord Kelvin IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!
PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!
Lord Kelvin LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal."
General Fang To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.
A woman? In the Royal Academy?
General Fang The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-
Lord Kelvin Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.
Nothing else.
Lord Kelvin Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?
General Fang My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.
[Kelvin gets angry and throws a quill at Fang, who catches it in a fan before throwing it back into a painting]
Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.
Lord Kelvin Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!
By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.
Lord Kelvin We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".
Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.
Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.
In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.
Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.
Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank.
Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!
Lord Kelvin As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.
You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.
Lord Kelvin Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.
Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.
If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!
Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.
Lord Kelvin Outstanding idea.
Lord Kelvin Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.
I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs. [Turns to go]
Lord Kelvin You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.
Lord Kelvin A wager. £10,000!
Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.
Lord Kelvin I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.
There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy.
With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.
Lord Kelvin Fair enough.
What?
Lord Kelvin I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again.
Lord Kelvin Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver... oh, nothing!
Lord Kelvin What did you say?
I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!
Lord Kelvin Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!
History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science...
...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!
Lord Kelvin Dang that nincompoop, Fix. What's the point in hiring a corrupt police officer if he can't even abuse the law properly?! Kitchener!
Sire?
Lord Kelvin Tell Inspector Fix to pack his bags, he's going on a little trip.
Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.
Lord Kelvin Aha!
According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.
Lord Kelvin That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!
Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?
Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.
One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?
Lord Kelvin Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?
Sire?
Lord Kelvin Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!
Yes, sir.
Lord Kelvin Where are they now?
They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.
Thank goodness we own India.
Lord Kelvin I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
Lord Kelvin What's this thing here blocking my jade reserves? That will certainly have to be demolished.
But that is the Great Wall of China, sir!
Lord Kelvin ...It's not that great.
It's Inspector Fix! My goodness! He made it round the world before Fogg!
Inspector Fix I came back from India the short way, you ninny!
Lord Kelvin I take it you don't have Phileas Fogg in that valise?
Lord Kelvin A little Jade Buddha, perhaps?
[throws Inspector Fix out of the window with his luggage.]
Inspector Fix Out of me way! I used to be somebody important!
Lord Kelvin Should've thrown him through a higher window. [walks down to Fix and two more officers] Get rid of this buffoon!
Fix Buffoon, eh? Is that the thanks I get for GOING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO STOP FOGG FOR YOU, EH?!!
He also sent an evil Chinese warlord to kill Phileas Fogg!
Fix That's right! He did!
Kelvin LIES! ALL OF IT!
Kelvin Kitchener!
Yes?
Kelvin TELL THEM!
Uh, well...the thing of it is–
Kelvin You mumbling moron! Salisbury, please translate Kitchener's incoherent blather.
I...he...I... Yes, yes.
Kelvin Rhodes!
Uh, the thing of it is, I don't want to make a fuss about it...
Kelvin YOU SPINELESS CRETINS!!
That man stuck me with quills! BUNCHES OF THEM!!
YES! Lord Kelvin's a bully!
It's true! I hate to admit it, but I'm a battered Lord.
Kelvin Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you halfwits is going to stop me?! You?! You?! You?!
The Queen!
Kelvin The Queen? [laughs] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated, old cow!
Kelvin The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat, royal bottom! [laughs again, then looks nervous] She's behind me, isn't she? [turns around and bows] Your Majesty, I have just apprehended the culprits who robbed the Bank of England.
Inspector Fix Rubbish!
Queen Victoria QUIET!
Queen Victoria I love being able to do that. So, Lord Kelvin: unsportsmanlike conduct, attempted murder...trading my arsenal for Buddhas.
Kelvin How did you know about that?
Queen Victoria Admit it – you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?
Kelvin Your Majesty, I assure you there is an explanation for all of this. What it was...I was...I was simply...
Queen Victoria Why do they always run? Arrest him!
Kelvin Get out of my way, you fools! UNHAND ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'll kill you!! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS, FOGG!!!
[The wagon drives away]
Horace Slughorn
Harold Zidler
Boss Tweed
Fenoglio
Inspector Frank Butterman
Timothy Cavendish
Santa
Madame Gasket
