I never do anything like this.
I know.
You do?
Yes, I know. You kept repeating that over and over last night. "I never do this... I never do this... I never do this..."
There's gotta be one thing about weddings that you like.
Open bar.
No.
All right. So when the bride comes in and she makes her giant, grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. 'Cause even though I think he's an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery... I don't know, he always looks really, really happy. And, for some reason, I... [notices Jane giving him a weird look] What the hell are you looking at me like that for?
Are you shitting me right now?
What?
That's my favorite part. Oh, my God. We have something in common.
Yes. Well, statistically that was bound to happen.
What was the theme? Humiliation?
No!
Jane, come on. It's fifty bucks. I'll pay you back.
No.
Sure.
You won't share that information with him about me. You wouldn't hurt a fly. And you would never hurt me. I'm your sister.
That was yesterday. Today you're just the bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress.
It must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you.
Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and I feel SO much better!
No, but Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Drunk were bugging me.
God, Casey, can't you keep it in your pants for one wedding?
Are you kidding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is so that some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth.
How refreshing! A man who doesn't believe in marriage.
I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle.
Oh, that's so noble of you! Do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? 'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open.
Ah! So you admit that believing in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa Claus!
You got them champagne glasses and a bottle of cristal.
George Any way she's gonna believe it actually came from me?
Maybe. I wrapped it like a car ran over it.
George Nice touch.
You write the most beautiful things. Do you actually believe in love and marriage and just pretend to be a cynic, or are you actually a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me?
I didn't follow that at all, but I think the second one, the spinning crap one.
Don't you have any needs?
No. I'm Jesus.