The Simpsons Movie quotes

View Quote [Springfield has gone into anarchy, attacking the dome with anything they find.]
Cargill: [to President Schwarzenegger] Look what they're doing to our dome!
[A television shows people trying to break through the dome. An elephant also charges it, and is knocked out cold as soon as he collides with the dome. The camera zooms in to this point, and shows a small crack forming.]
Cargill: Do you know what that is, sir?
President Schwarzenegger: [a little woried] A crack?
Cargill: That's right, sir! First, let me state the problem: people have gotten out of the dome before, and they're gonna do it again - and when they do, there's gonna be hearings - investigations--
President Schwarzenegger: GOTT IN HIMMEL! I'll have to go back to making family comedies! [looks at a movie poster titled "Diaper Genie" and groans]
Cargill: Don't worry sir, I have a solution for you. In fact, I have five solutions. [lays out 5 files again] You don't even have to read them! You'll have deniability. I'll take care of everything, you know nothing!
[Pause]
President Schwarzenegger: No! I need to know what I'm approving! [reaches for Number 3]
Cargill: True, sir. But then again, knowing things is overrated. Anyone can pick something when they know what it is. It takes real leadership to pick something you're clueless about!
[Another pause]
President Schwarzenegger: Okay, I pick three.
Cargill: Try again.
President Schwarzenegger: One?
Cargill: Go higher.
President Schwarzenegger: Five?
Cargill: Too high.
President Schwarzenegger: Three?
Cargill: You already said three.
President Schwarzenegger: Six?
Cargill: There is no six.
President Schwarzenegger: Two?
Cargill: Double it.
President Schwarzenegger: Four!
Cargill: As you wish, sir.

View Quote [Homer is happily eating a Krusty Burger while an angry Bart glares at him for not taking the blame when he should have.]
Homer: Hey, what's with you? [Accidentally spits on Bart]
Bart: [Wipes off spit] You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about a PIG WEARING A HAT!
[He has noticed a pig wearing a chef's hat, sitting on a chair with Krusty the Clown. They are filming a commercial.]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: [holding a sandwich] Hey, hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the Clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico! [laughs, then takes a bite of the sandwich] Mmmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich in disgust, then throws it away]
Krusty: Uggh... Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[A saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror.]
Homer: [horrified] Wha--?!? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[The pig runs across to Homer, looking up at him in desperation. Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field to the song Happy Together, dressed as hippies. He then smiles and picks up the pig.]
Homer: You're coming home with me...

View Quote Colin: I'm Colin.
Lisa: I haven't seen you at school.
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa: Is he--
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa: I just thought, because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: [Sternly] He's not Bono.
Lisa: Do you play?
Colin: Just piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, and bass.
Lisa: [thinking] He's pure gold! For once in your life, be cool!
Colin: So, is your name as pretty as your face?
[Completly embarressed and flattered, Lisa bursts into shrieks of laughter and falls to the ground.]
Colin: You okay there? [Lisa continues heavily and wheezily giggling.]

View Quote [After Bart gets in trouble for skateboarding in the nude]
Homer: Okay, son, let's get some lunch.
Bart: Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer: [handing him his shirt and socks] Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart: You didn't bring my pants!
Homer: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart: Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Homer: [jovially] The worst day of your life so far!

View Quote Chief Wiggum: Come on, Bomb-Disarming Robot, you're our only hope!
Bomb-Disarming Robot: Red wire... blue wire... black is usually the ground... ehh... so much pressure... PRESSURE!!!! [grabs Wiggum's pistol and shoots himself in the head]
Wiggum: He'd been talking about it, but I never took him seriously!

View Quote [Marge and Grandpa are discussing his prophecy while Maggie is playing a "Baby Blast" game on a handheld which she confiscated from Bart in church.]
Marge: [discussing Grandpa's prophecy with him] "A thousand eyes." What could that be?
Grandpa: Hmm... I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number...
[Homer pokes his head in]
Homer: Hey, Marge! Isn't it great being married to somebody who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge: Actually, it's aged me horribly.
Homer: Then say hello to the newest Simpson!
[He comes in, carrying the pig (now named "Plopper"). Marge notices his twisted tail, and with shock remembers that part of Grandpa's prophecy.]
Marge: Homer... I believe that Grandpa's prophecy warned us about precisely this! Please get rid of that pig!
Homer: [not worried] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you...
[Homer pulls Plopper's tail, causing him to scream and then do a deep-throated growl similar to Marge's trademark groan]
Homer: [s****s] You nailed her! He also does me...
[He squeezes Plopper, causing him to belch. Marge laughs.]
Homer: You smiled, I'm off the hook!

View Quote [The Simpsons arrive at the church. Everyone can hear their conversation outside.]
Marge: I hate being late.
Homer: Well I hate going! Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way: by praying like hell on my deathbed?!
Marge: Homer, they can hear you inside--
Homer: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[They enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They nervously make their way to their pew.]
Homer: How you doing? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus!

View Quote Russ Cargill: Mr. President?
President Schwarzenegger: Ja, dat is me.
Russ Cargill: Pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.
President Schwarzenegger: Oh, I hate this job! Everything's "crisis" this and "end of the world" that! Nobody opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
Russ Cargill: You want a joke, huh? Stop me if you've heard... THIS one!
[He holds up a cage containing the squirrel mutated by the polluted lake]
President Schwarzenegger: Aaah! Look at those angry eyes and giant teeth! It's like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!
Russ Cargill: You know, sir, when you made me head to the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men of the America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Cause I'm a rich man, and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something. So here's our chance to kick some ass for Mother Earth!
President Schwarzenegger: I'm listening.
Russ Cargill: [gets out five files] Well, I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options. Each will cause untold misery and--
President Schwarzenegger: I pick number three!
Russ Cargill: You don't wanna read them first?
President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to lead, not to read. Number three!

View Quote I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect people who do, but... I just try to make the day not hurt until I get to crawl in next to you again.

View Quote [Homer decides that he doesn't want to save Springfield from being destroyed.]
Homer: I'm happy here. Screw Springfield!
Marge: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish!
Homer: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. Torches! At four in the afternoon!
Marge: It was seven at night.
Homer: It was during Access Hollywood!
Marge: Which is on at four and seven.
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: Dad, how could you turn your back on everyone who loved us?!
Bart: Flanders helped us when we were in trouble!
Homer: Who cares what Flanders thinks? He's not your father!
Bart: I wish he was!
Homer: [scoffs] You don't mean that. You practically worship me.
Bart: Oh yeah? Look what I did to your picture! [Picture shows Homer with marker written on it to make him look like Flanders]
Homer: AAAH!
Bart: Look at it, Homer! [holds it up to Homer's face] How-dilly-doodily! How-dilly-doodlily! How--
Homer: WHY, YOU LITTLE--!! [strangles him] I'll strangle-angle you!
Bart: [strangled] Diddily! Diddily!

View Quote [During the credits, we see that someone has stolen everything in Burns' mansion.]
Smithers: They've taken everything, sir.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I don't believe in suicide, but... if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

View Quote [Marge watches the video of Grandpa on Comic Book Guy's phone.]
Grandpa (on video): Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER! Epa! Epa!
Marge: "Epa"? What could that be?
Comic Book Guy: I believe that's the sound that the Green Lantern made when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid: "EEEEEEEEPAAH!"
[Slight pause]
Marge: ... Uhh... yeah. Thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants. Never known comfort like this!

View Quote [Bart remembers a fishing trip with Homer, in the form of a flashback]
Bart: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish.
Homer: If you love fish like I do, you'll want them to die with dignity!
[Homer puts the bug zapper in the lake, and reaches for one of the many dead fish now floating on the surface.]
Homer: I think I have a nibble...
[Homer gets electrocuted from the fish as he picks it up, but doesn't seem smart enough to notice or care. He starts eating it, getting repeatedly electrocuted in front of a disturbed Bart.]

View Quote [Lisa has a girl talk with Marge about Colin]
Lisa: No, I still haven't told you the best part! He cares about the environment! No! I still haven't told you the best part! He's got an [with a heavy Irish accent] Irish brogue! [In normal voice] No, wait, I still haven't told you the best part! He's not imaginary!
Marge: Honey, that's great! But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man t-- [sees pig tracks on the ceiling] How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?!
Homer: [moving Plopper upside down across the ceiling while singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look oooooout, he is a Spider-Pig.

View Quote Ned: Boys, before we eat, don't forget to thank the Lord for this bountiful--[a naked Bart crashes into the window] PENIS?!?
Rodd and Todd Flanders: Bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.