Multiple Characters quotes

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Ralph Wiggum: [after Bart goes past him in the nude on his skateboard] I like men now!

Agnes Skinner: [after Bart skateboards past her in the nude] Don't look where I'm pointing!

Chief Wiggum [chasing the nude Bart] Stop in the name of American squeamishness!

Lou: [To Bart, after he skateboards in the nude] Listen, kid, no one likes wearing clothes in public. But, you know, it's the law!

Moe Szyslak: [After Lisa reveals that she put polluted water from Lake Springfield in everyone's drinking glasses] This is why we should hate kids!

Grampa: [Witnessing his own prophecy coming true] That crazy old man in church was right!

Nelson Muntz: [as some students from Springfield Elementary prepare to use bows to fire arrows at the Simpsons] I'm using a red arrow, so I know who I kill!

Chief Wiggum: [After seeing the Simpson family (along with their house) disappear down the sinkhole] Well... they're China's problem now.

Mr. Burns: So... you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once the rich white man is in control! I have two buttons behind this desk: one will supply your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.

Government Employee: Hey, everybody, I found one! THE GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEONE WE'RE LOOKING FOR!!! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!!

Tom Hanks: This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.

[The Simpsons are watching an Itchy & Scratchy movie at the cinema]
Homer: Boring!
Lisa: Dad, we can't see the movie!
Homer: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker... [turns to face the camera and points straight forward, referring to the viewer] Especially you!

[At a concert, Green Day are being extremely well received by the citizens of Springfield]
Billie Joe Armstrong: Well, thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, and now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment!
[The crowd is silent for a moment and then starts booing and throwing garbage]
Carl Carlson: Shut up and play!
Barney Gumble: Preachy!
Mike Dirnt: We're not being preachy!
Tr? Cool: But the pollution in your lake, it's dissolving our barge!
Lisa: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
Moe: I beg to differ. [throws a rock through the bass drum and hits Tr? Cool in the crotch]
Tr? Cool: OWW!
[The barge continues to dissolve and starts sinking.]
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.
[The band members bring out violins and play Nearer, My God, to Thee as the barge sinks in a Titanic-like manner]

[The Simpsons arrive at the church. Everyone can hear their conversation outside.]
Marge: I hate being late.
Homer: Well I hate going! Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way: by praying like hell on my deathbed?!
Marge: Homer, they can hear you inside--
Homer: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[They enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They nervously make their way to their pew.]
Homer: How you doing? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus!

Ned Flanders: The good Lord, he's telling me to confess to something.
Homer: [quietly with fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!...
Ned Flanders: An immodest sense of pride in our community.
[Pause]
Reverend Lovejoy: Somebody else.

Reverend Lovejoy: Let the Lord's light shine upon you. Feel the spirit. Let it out!
[Grandpa, who has just had the Lord's light shine upon him, suddenly goes into a possessed frenzy.]
Grandpa: HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEEEEEEEN! [pointing at random people] And they're gonna happen to you, and you, and you, [points at Marge] and you! Whoa, Nelly!
[He falls to the floor, whimpering and babbling. Comic Book Guy records him on his cell phone.]
Grandpa: People of Springfield, heed this warning: Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER!
[Grandpa walks in a circle on the floor, making turkey-like gobbling noises.]
Lisa: Dad, do something!
Homer: [frantically flicking through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
Grandpa: Beware! Beware! Time is short! Epa! Epa! EEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAA!!! Believe me! BELIEVE ME!
[Homer rolls him up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church.]
Grandpa: [babbles again briefly] Thanks for listening!

[After Grandpa's experience, the family drive home (Grandpa is still wrapped up in the rug)]
Homer: Okay, who wants waffles?
Bart, Lisa and Grandpa: I do, I do, I do--!
Marge: Wait a minute, what about Grampa?
Bart: [ignoring Marge] I want syrup!
Lisa: [also ignoring Marge] I want strawberries!
Marge: Something happened to that man--
Homer: I'll tell you what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it! [kisses Grandpa on the forehead]
Marge: What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it?! Right, Grandpa?
[Pause]
Grandpa: [to Homer] I want bananas on my waffles!
Homer: I rest my case.
[The Simpsons arrive for breakfast]
Marge: I'm not dropping this.
[Marge exits the car. The rest of the family follow after her, except for Grandpa]
Grandpa: Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!
Homer: Oh, right.
[Homer returns, rolls down the window, shuts the door, and leaves again]

[Homer re-shingles the roof. Bart is up with him.]
Homer: [trying to hammer a nail] Steady... Steady... [Homer pulls the hammer back and stabs himself in the eye] Oww!!!
[Bart laughs at him]
Homer: [pulls hammer from his eye but keeping his hurt eye closed] Why, you little--!! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to laugh... at something... that's funny!!!
Bart: [struggles free] You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer: [bitter] What kind of fun?
Bart: ... How about a dare contest?
Homer: [lightens up and opens his injured eye] That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the TV antenna!
Bart: [does so] Piece of cake.
Homer: [shakes the antennae] Earthquake!
[They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antenna and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter before he can fall off.]
Homer: [shakes the gutter] Aftershock!
[They continue to laugh, until Ned Flanders notices them from his garden.]
Ned: Homer, I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer: Well said, boy!
[They high-five, and then Homer gets out his hammer again, readying another nail for the gutter.]
Homer: Steady... Steady... Steady... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Homer has fallen through the roof. Bart laughs at him again.]

[Lisa goes door to door trying to educate people about the environment. She goes to the first house.]
Lisa: [rings doorbell] Hello. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, but I'm sure you're as worried about the pollution in Lake Springfield as I am--
[The person has shut the door on Lisa. She goes to the next house]
Lisa: [Rings doorbell] Lake Springfield has more levels of mercury than either--
[The person has shut the door on Lisa. She goes to the next house. An old lady answers]
Old lady: Why, it's the little girl who saved my cat.
Lisa: Lake Springfield--
[The old lady shuts the door on Lisa. Lisa sighs and gives up.]

Colin: I'm Colin.
Lisa: I haven't seen you at school.
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa: Is he--
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa: I just thought, because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: [Sternly] He's not Bono.
Lisa: Do you play?
Colin: Just piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, and bass.
Lisa: [thinking] He's pure gold! For once in your life, be cool!
Colin: So, is your name as pretty as your face?
[Completly embarressed and flattered, Lisa bursts into shrieks of laughter and falls to the ground.]
Colin: You okay there? [Lisa continues heavily and wheezily giggling.]

[Marge watches the video of Grandpa on Comic Book Guy's phone.]
Grandpa (on video): Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER! Epa! Epa!
Marge: "Epa"? What could that be?
Comic Book Guy: I believe that's the sound that the Green Lantern made when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid: "EEEEEEEEPAAH!"
[Slight pause]
Marge: ... Uhh... yeah. Thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants. Never known comfort like this!

[On the front lawn, Homer and Bart are still in their dare contest. Homer is carrying heavy bricks around on his back, while Bart shoots at him with a pellet gun.]
Homer: [yelping] ... Aiyee! ... Aiyee! ... D'oh! ... Oh, why did I... Aiyee! ...suggest this?! ... Ow! ... D'oh! ... D'oooo-ho-hoooh! ...
[Eventually, a timer dings. Homer's dare has ended.]
Homer: [drops the bricks] All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare! I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger, and back... naked.
Bart: How naked?
Homer: Fourth base.
Bart: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you Chicken For Life! Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning, Chicken!" And at your wedding I'll sing [to the tune of Here Comes the Bride] "Bawk, bawk, bawk-bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk--"
[Bart skateboards off in the nude]
Homer: [incredulous] Bawk?!

Ned: Boys, before we eat, don't forget to thank the Lord for this bountiful--[a naked Bart crashes into the window] PENIS?!?
Rodd and Todd Flanders: Bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.

[the police have cuffed a naked Bart to a pole.]
Bart: You can't just leave me out here!
Lou: Don't worry. We found a friend for you to play with.
Nelson: [points at Bart] Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
[a few hours later]
Nelson: [hoarsely, still pointing at Bart] Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
[Mrs. Muntz walks in.]
Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, where've you been? [points at Bart] Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

[After Bart gets in trouble for skateboarding in the nude]
Homer: Okay, son, let's get some lunch.
Bart: Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer: [handing him his shirt and socks] Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart: You didn't bring my pants!
Homer: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart: Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Homer: [jovially] The worst day of your life so far!

[Homer is happily eating a Krusty Burger while an angry Bart glares at him for not taking the blame when he should have.]
Homer: Hey, what's with you? [Accidentally spits on Bart]
Bart: [Wipes off spit] You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about a PIG WEARING A HAT!
[He has noticed a pig wearing a chef's hat, sitting on a chair with Krusty the Clown. They are filming a commercial.]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: [holding a sandwich] Hey, hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the Clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico! [laughs, then takes a bite of the sandwich] Mmmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich in disgust, then throws it away]
Krusty: Uggh... Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[A saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror.]
Homer: [horrified] Wha--?!? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[The pig runs across to Homer, looking up at him in desperation. Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field to the song Happy Together, dressed as hippies. He then smiles and picks up the pig.]
Homer: You're coming home with me...

[Marge and Grandpa are discussing his prophecy while Maggie is playing a "Baby Blast" game on a handheld which she confiscated from Bart in church.]
Marge: [discussing Grandpa's prophecy with him] "A thousand eyes." What could that be?
Grandpa: Hmm... I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number...
[Homer pokes his head in]
Homer: Hey, Marge! Isn't it great being married to somebody who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge: Actually, it's aged me horribly.
Homer: Then say hello to the newest Simpson!
[He comes in, carrying the pig (now named "Plopper"). Marge notices his twisted tail, and with shock remembers that part of Grandpa's prophecy.]
Marge: Homer... I believe that Grandpa's prophecy warned us about precisely this! Please get rid of that pig!
Homer: [not worried] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you...
[Homer pulls Plopper's tail, causing him to scream and then do a deep-throated growl similar to Marge's trademark groan]
Homer: [s****s] You nailed her! He also does me...
[He squeezes Plopper, causing him to belch. Marge laughs.]
Homer: You smiled, I'm off the hook!

[Bart remembers a fishing trip with Homer, in the form of a flashback]
Bart: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish.
Homer: If you love fish like I do, you'll want them to die with dignity!
[Homer puts the bug zapper in the lake, and reaches for one of the many dead fish now floating on the surface.]
Homer: I think I have a nibble...
[Homer gets electrocuted from the fish as he picks it up, but doesn't seem smart enough to notice or care. He starts eating it, getting repeatedly electrocuted in front of a disturbed Bart.]

[Lisa has a girl talk with Marge about Colin]
Lisa: No, I still haven't told you the best part! He cares about the environment! No! I still haven't told you the best part! He's got an [with a heavy Irish accent] Irish brogue! [In normal voice] No, wait, I still haven't told you the best part! He's not imaginary!
Marge: Honey, that's great! But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man t-- [sees pig tracks on the ceiling] How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?!
Homer: [moving Plopper upside down across the ceiling while singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look oooooout, he is a Spider-Pig.

Lisa: [talking about the pollution of Lake Springfield while trying to work a faulty scissorlift] Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty: Hell yeah! We need a new one of those things!
Mayor Quimby: All in favor of the new scissorlift say aye.
Entire Town: Aye!
Lisa: No! This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen, so I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.
[Everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: This is why we should hate kids!
Mayor Quimby: This is serious, people! No more dumping in the lake! I hereby declare a state of emergency: CODE BLACK!
[The crowd gasps]
Lenny Leonard: Black?! That's the worst color there is! [to Carl] No offense there, Carl.
Carl: [not even shaken] Nah, I get it all the time.

[Homer and Plopper watch Bumblebee Man kiss a mule on TV]
Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡Un burro amoroso! [Translation: "Oh, no! A mule in love!"]
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
Marge: What's going on here?
Homer: Nothing!

Marge: [looking at the 'Pig Crap' silo] Ugh, it's leaking! [drips of feces are falling from the top of the silo to the ground]
Homer: It's not leaking, it's overflowing.
Marge: He filled up the silo in just two days?!
Homer: Well, I helped.

Marge: You can take Spider-Pig with you.
Homer: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.
[Plopper is shown with Harry Potter-like glasses, brown hair and a lightning bolt scar]

Ned: Look at that. You can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine and Kentucky.
Bart: Oh yeah.
Ned: And if you look real close, you can almost -- YAAGH!!
[Ned has seen the multi-eyed squirrel (which grows an extra eye)]
Ned: Well, this certainly seems odd, but ... who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine, intelligent design. [switches to the squirrels multi-eyes point-of-veiw] Good job.
Bart: [continously jabs the squirrels' eyes (every eye he jabs goes black from the squirrels' POV)] Jabbity-jabbity-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Agent: Hey, jab one more eye and its a federal crime!

Russ Cargill: Mr. President?
President Schwarzenegger: Ja, dat is me.
Russ Cargill: Pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.
President Schwarzenegger: Oh, I hate this job! Everything's "crisis" this and "end of the world" that! Nobody opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
Russ Cargill: You want a joke, huh? Stop me if you've heard... THIS one!
[He holds up a cage containing the squirrel mutated by the polluted lake]
President Schwarzenegger: Aaah! Look at those angry eyes and giant teeth! It's like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!
Russ Cargill: You know, sir, when you made me head to the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men of the America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Cause I'm a rich man, and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something. So here's our chance to kick some ass for Mother Earth!
President Schwarzenegger: I'm listening.
Russ Cargill: [gets out five files] Well, I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options. Each will cause untold misery and--
President Schwarzenegger: I pick number three!
Russ Cargill: You don't wanna read them first?
President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to lead, not to read. Number three!

[After the dome is placed over Springfield]
Sideshow Mel: [hitting the dome with his bone] What ruthless madmen could have done this to us?!
Russ Cargill: The United States Government. [appears on a holographic screen on the side of the dome] My name is Russ Cargill. I'm head of the EPA.
[Everyone murmurs in confusion]
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: The Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen! Springfield has become...
Random Springfield Citizen: Woo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty: Drama queen!
Russ Cargill: To prevent your poisons from spreading, the government has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do. I mean, I do own the company that made the dome, but that's beside the point.
Moe: What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!
Russ Cargill: No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots.
Lisa: Wait! We couldn't be more polluted - everyone stopped dumping in the lake.
Russ Cargill: Apparently, someone didn't get the message.
Homer: [to Plopper] Act natural.
Carl: Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!
Russ Cargill: You don't need to worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.
[cuts to a man in his car with a GPS map]
GPS Voice: Coming up on your right... [Springfield is removed from the map] nothing.

[Watching the police on TV recovering the Pig Crap silo from where he dumped it in Lake Springfield]
Homer: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[On the TV, the crane rotates the silo to reveal 'Return To Homer Simpson (No Reward)']
Marge: Homer! It was you! You single-handedly killed this town!
Homer: I know! It's weird!
Kent Brockman: Just a reminder: this station does not endorse vigilante justice. Unless it gets results. Which it will!
[Homer's photo appears on the screen, with the words "GET HIM!" flashing.]
Marge: You didn't listen to me after I warned you!
Homer: Don't worry. Nobody watches this stupid show. [looks out the window] What's that ominous glow in the distance?
[Homer looks out of the window to see an angry mob consisting of just about everyone in Springfield. They are going in the opposite direction of the Simpson house.]
Homer: Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we live!
[The mob hears him and starts marching towards the Simpson house.]
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer: I would, but I'm afraid that if I open the door, they'll take all of you.
Carl: [offscreen] No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer: Well maybe not you... but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grandpa: [offscreen] I'm part of the mob!

[the angry mob barges into the Simpson home and sees Maggie next to the stairs playing with her letter blocks]
Krusty: Teeny, take out the baby!
[Maggie smashes her empty milk bottle against the stairway and brandishes it as a weapon. Teeny flees to Krusty, who cradles him like an infant]

Homer: So long, losers!
[He jumps from treehouse into sinkhole, giving the irate mob the finger, only to realize he's too fat to sink through smoothly]
Homer: Uh-oh. [tries to dig his way deeper]
Moe: The top of his head is still showing. Claw at it!
[Random people claw at Homer's head before it disappears. Groundskeeper Willie's rake also scrapes it, and Nelson's red arrow is embedded in it (his laugh is heard too).]

EPA Soldier: I'm afraid we lost them, sir.
Russ Cargill: Dammit!!!
[Cargill throws his binoculars at the EPA soldier, who cowers in fear. The binoculars bounce back off the dome and hit Cargill in the face.]
Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
[pause]
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!

Marge: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart: [drunk] I'm troubled.
Marge: Bart!
Bart: I promise I'll stop tomorrow.
Marge: You'll stop right now!!!
[Marge chases Bart round the room. Bart pulls out draws and jumps over the bed in an attempt to slow Marge down. He holds the whiskey flask in his mouth and tilts his head while running, eventually collapsing]
Bart: I miss Flanders. There, I said it! [passes out]

[Springfield has gone into anarchy, attacking the dome with anything they find.]
Cargill: [to President Schwarzenegger] Look what they're doing to our dome!
[A television shows people trying to break through the dome. An elephant also charges it, and is knocked out cold as soon as he collides with the dome. The camera zooms in to this point, and shows a small crack forming.]
Cargill: Do you know what that is, sir?
President Schwarzenegger: [a little woried] A crack?
Cargill: That's right, sir! First, let me state the problem: people have gotten out of the dome before, and they're gonna do it again - and when they do, there's gonna be hearings - investigations--
President Schwarzenegger: GOTT IN HIMMEL! I'll have to go back to making family comedies! [looks at a movie poster titled "Diaper Genie" and groans]
Cargill: Don't worry sir, I have a solution for you. In fact, I have five solutions. [lays out 5 files again] You don't even have to read them! You'll have deniability. I'll take care of everything, you know nothing!
[Pause]
President Schwarzenegger: No! I need to know what I'm approving! [reaches for Number 3]
Cargill: True, sir. But then again, knowing things is overrated. Anyone can pick something when they know what it is. It takes real leadership to pick something you're clueless about!
[Another pause]
President Schwarzenegger: Okay, I pick three.
Cargill: Try again.
President Schwarzenegger: One?
Cargill: Go higher.
President Schwarzenegger: Five?
Cargill: Too high.
President Schwarzenegger: Three?
Cargill: You already said three.
President Schwarzenegger: Six?
Cargill: There is no six.
President Schwarzenegger: Two?
Cargill: Double it.
President Schwarzenegger: Four!
Cargill: As you wish, sir.

[The Simpsons are watching TV when a commercial comes on. It features a father, a teenage girl, and a little boy.]
TV Announcer [offscreen]: Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
Father [bored]: Well, here we are, kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl [annoyed]: It's so old and boring! I want a new one. NOW!!
Tom Hanks: Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy: Tousle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. [ruffles the boys hair with a touch of magic and chuckles] Now I am pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon. Coming this weekend, it's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City!
Marge: That's where Springfield is!!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying if you're going to pick a government to trust, why not this one?

[Homer decides that he doesn't want to save Springfield from being destroyed.]
Homer: I'm happy here. Screw Springfield!
Marge: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish!
Homer: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. Torches! At four in the afternoon!
Marge: It was seven at night.
Homer: It was during Access Hollywood!
Marge: Which is on at four and seven.
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: Dad, how could you turn your back on everyone who loved us?!
Bart: Flanders helped us when we were in trouble!
Homer: Who cares what Flanders thinks? He's not your father!
Bart: I wish he was!
Homer: [scoffs] You don't mean that. You practically worship me.
Bart: Oh yeah? Look what I did to your picture! [Picture shows Homer with marker written on it to make him look like Flanders]
Homer: AAAH!
Bart: Look at it, Homer! [holds it up to Homer's face] How-dilly-doodily! How-dilly-doodlily! How--
Homer: WHY, YOU LITTLE--!! [strangles him] I'll strangle-angle you!
Bart: [strangled] Diddily! Diddily!

[as they are being listened to by the National Security Agency]
Woman: You hang up first.
Man: Nooooo, you hang up first.
Woman: Okay! [hangs up]
Man: What th-She hung up on me!

Medicine Woman: Homer Simpson, do you know why you are here?
Homer: Because my family cares more about other people than they do about me.
Medicine Woman: Drink this liquid. [pours some medicine into Homer's mouth]
Homer: [his mouth briefly goes on fire] AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! More, please. [the medicine woman pours more medicine into his mouth]

[During Homer's psychological experience]
Medicine Woman: Unless you have an epiphany, you will spend the remainder of your days alone.
Homer: Okay, epiphany, epiphany, epiphany. Ooh! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[Homer gets slapped by the branches of surrounding trees]
Homer: Americans will never embrace soccer?
[Homer gets slapped twice and then lifted up]
Homer: More than two shakes and it's just playing with yourself?
[Homer gets slapped three times, punched in the gut, and kicked in the crotch; the branches then take his body apart, and the pieces (save his eyes and mouth) begin to melt]
Homer: [sadly] Oh, do whatever you want with me. I don't care about myself anymore.
[Suddenly, the pieces return to normal, and Homer's eyes and mouth are stuck back onto his head]
Medicine Woman: [offscreen] Because...?
Homer: [coming to a realisation] Because... other people are just as important as me. In fact, without them, I'm nothing! [a branch urges him to continue] In order to save myself... [smiles] I have to save Springfield! That's it! [pause] Isn't it?
[The branches reassemble him, and clap in applause]

Moe: [Wearing a blue robe with a traffic cone on his head and ammunition belts strapped over his chest] Well, I don't mean to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.
Barney: [offscreen] No you're not! [tosses a Molotov ****tail at Moe]
Moe: Yes I am! [throws it back to Barney, where it explodes offscreen]
Barney: [offscreen, submissive] Okay. Hail Emperor.

[As the state-of-the-art bomb is lowered into the dome]
Marge: In spite of everything, I miss your father.
Bart: Me too. His big fat ass could shield us all.

Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
Cletus Spuckler: Hey, I know how you feel. I was beat at Tic-tac-toe by a chicken.
[Pause]
Russ Cargill: [cynically] Goodbye.
[Cargill's screen switches off.]

Homer: [lying dazed on the ground] Homer do good?
Bart: Actually, you doomed us all... again. Nice knowing you, Homer! [storms off]
Homer: Ohhhh, I can't do anything right! [kicks the bomb, causing it to go from 8:31 to 4:11 minutes remaining]
Krusty: GET OUTTA HERE!
[The crowd boos Homer and throws rocks and stuff at him]

Ned: Now remember, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there too?
Ned: No!

Chief Wiggum: Come on, Bomb-Disarming Robot, you're our only hope!
Bomb-Disarming Robot: Red wire... blue wire... black is usually the ground... ehh... so much pressure... PRESSURE!!!! [grabs Wiggum's pistol and shoots himself in the head]
Wiggum: He'd been talking about it, but I never took him seriously!

Grandpa: Homer?! What the hell are you doing now?
Homer: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!

[Bart refuses to help Homer get rid of the bomb and save Springfield.]
Homer: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart: [changes his demeanor] The man knows me!
[He joins Homer on his motorcycle, and they drive away to dispose of the bomb]
Todd: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned: [jovially] And I wish you didn't have the Devil's curly hair!
[Todd whimpers]

[Homer and Bart cycle up the dome, preparing to throw the bomb out through the hole at the top]
Bart: Homer... I'm sorry I said I wished you weren't my father.
Homer: That's all right, son. I wasn't much of a father. I guess it started with the way my dad raised me... [realising] Yes, I see it all now! It's just been a never-ending cycle of--
Marge: [through megaphone] SOMEBODY THROW THE GODDAMN BOMB!!!

[the dome has shattered into tiny glass shards that are falling to the city like snow]
Chief Wiggum: It's amazing no one was hurt!
Doctor Nick: [a giant piece of glass falls on him] Bye, everybody.

[Russ Cargill levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer: So, we meet at last... whoever-you-are.
Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. One is how to cope with defeat; the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried.
Cargill: What treasure?
Bart: The treasure of... Ima Weiner!
Cargill: "I'm a weiner"?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer: Classic!
Cargill: Well, always leave 'em laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun at Homer and is about to fire, when a large rock falls on his head and knocks him out. Maggie reveals herself as the one who whacked him out.]
Homer: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!

[Homer and Marge kiss on Homer's motorcycle]
Marge: Best kiss of my life...
Homer: Best kiss of your life so far!

[At the end, the whole town helps the Simpsons to rebuild their home. Homer tries to hammer in a nail while shingling the roof, in the same manner as earlier]
Homer: Steady... Steady... Steady...
[Bart remembers what happened last time, and gives Homer some safety goggles]
Bart: Here you go, dad.
Homer: [smiles] Thanks, son. [concentrates on the nail again] Steady... [appears to hammer it in successfully] Woohoo!
[As he stands up in triumph, he realises he has actually hammered it into his leg]
Homer: WWWWWWWWHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
[He runs across the roof in agony, dragging the linked shingles along with him, until he stumbles off the roof. Bart laughs at him.]

[During the credits, we see that someone has stolen everything in Burns' mansion.]
Smithers: They've taken everything, sir.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I don't believe in suicide, but... if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

[During the credits, Tom Hanks is making an announcement.]
Tom Hanks: This is Tom Hanks saying: if you see me in person, please leave me be.

[During the credits, the Simpsons are seen sitting in a movie theatre]
Bart: Come on Dad, let's go! I've been holding it since they put the dome over the town!
Homer: You can wait. A lot of people worked really hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.
Lisa: Well, I want to make sure no animals were harmed during the filming of this movie.
[Lisa sees the words "No animals were harmed during the filming of this movie" on screen.]
Lisa: Phew!
Homer: Okay!
[The family starts to leave. Homer finds popcorn on the floor.]
Homer: Ooh! Floor popcorn!
[Homer eats the popcorn]
[Maggie points frantically at the screen]
Lisa: Wait, wait, wait! It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge: Oh my God, her first word!
Maggie: Sequel?
[Pause]
[The family finally leaves]

[At the very end of the credits, the Squeaky Voiced Teen is seen in the theatre cleaning up.]
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Assistant manager isn't all it's cracked up to be! Four years of film school for this?
[The Squeaky Voiced Teen leaves. The screen fades to black and the movie finally ends.]

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