The Simpsons Movie quotes
86 total quotesBart
Homer
Lisa
Marge
Multiple Characters
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EPA Soldier: I'm afraid we lost them, sir.
Russ Cargill: Dammit!!!
[Cargill throws his binoculars at the EPA soldier, who cowers in fear. The binoculars bounce back off the dome and hit Cargill in the face.]
Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
[pause]
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!
Russ Cargill: Dammit!!!
[Cargill throws his binoculars at the EPA soldier, who cowers in fear. The binoculars bounce back off the dome and hit Cargill in the face.]
Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
[pause]
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!
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Reverend Lovejoy: Let the Lord's light shine upon you. Feel the spirit. Let it out!
[Grandpa, who has just had the Lord's light shine upon him, suddenly goes into a possessed frenzy.]
Grandpa: HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEEEEEEEN! [pointing at random people] And they're gonna happen to you, and you, and you, [points at Marge] and you! Whoa, Nelly!
[He falls to the floor, whimpering and babbling. Comic Book Guy records him on his cell phone.]
Grandpa: People of Springfield, heed this warning: Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER!
[Grandpa walks in a circle on the floor, making turkey-like gobbling noises.]
Lisa: Dad, do something!
Homer: [frantically flicking through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
Grandpa: Beware! Beware! Time is short! Epa! Epa! EEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAA!!! Believe me! BELIEVE ME!
[Homer rolls him up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church.]
Grandpa: [babbles again briefly] Thanks for listening!
[Grandpa, who has just had the Lord's light shine upon him, suddenly goes into a possessed frenzy.]
Grandpa: HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEEEEEEEN! [pointing at random people] And they're gonna happen to you, and you, and you, [points at Marge] and you! Whoa, Nelly!
[He falls to the floor, whimpering and babbling. Comic Book Guy records him on his cell phone.]
Grandpa: People of Springfield, heed this warning: Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER!
[Grandpa walks in a circle on the floor, making turkey-like gobbling noises.]
Lisa: Dad, do something!
Homer: [frantically flicking through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
Grandpa: Beware! Beware! Time is short! Epa! Epa! EEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAA!!! Believe me! BELIEVE ME!
[Homer rolls him up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church.]
Grandpa: [babbles again briefly] Thanks for listening!
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[During Homer's psychological experience]
Medicine Woman: Unless you have an epiphany, you will spend the remainder of your days alone.
Homer: Okay, epiphany, epiphany, epiphany. Ooh! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[Homer gets slapped by the branches of surrounding trees]
Homer: Americans will never embrace soccer?
[Homer gets slapped twice and then lifted up]
Homer: More than two shakes and it's just playing with yourself?
[Homer gets slapped three times, punched in the gut, and kicked in the crotch; the branches then take his body apart, and the pieces (save his eyes and mouth) begin to melt]
Homer: [sadly] Oh, do whatever you want with me. I don't care about myself anymore.
[Suddenly, the pieces return to normal, and Homer's eyes and mouth are stuck back onto his head]
Medicine Woman: [offscreen] Because...?
Homer: [coming to a realisation] Because... other people are just as important as me. In fact, without them, I'm nothing! [a branch urges him to continue] In order to save myself... [smiles] I have to save Springfield! That's it! [pause] Isn't it?
[The branches reassemble him, and clap in applause]
Medicine Woman: Unless you have an epiphany, you will spend the remainder of your days alone.
Homer: Okay, epiphany, epiphany, epiphany. Ooh! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[Homer gets slapped by the branches of surrounding trees]
Homer: Americans will never embrace soccer?
[Homer gets slapped twice and then lifted up]
Homer: More than two shakes and it's just playing with yourself?
[Homer gets slapped three times, punched in the gut, and kicked in the crotch; the branches then take his body apart, and the pieces (save his eyes and mouth) begin to melt]
Homer: [sadly] Oh, do whatever you want with me. I don't care about myself anymore.
[Suddenly, the pieces return to normal, and Homer's eyes and mouth are stuck back onto his head]
Medicine Woman: [offscreen] Because...?
Homer: [coming to a realisation] Because... other people are just as important as me. In fact, without them, I'm nothing! [a branch urges him to continue] In order to save myself... [smiles] I have to save Springfield! That's it! [pause] Isn't it?
[The branches reassemble him, and clap in applause]
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[After the dome is placed over Springfield]
Sideshow Mel: [hitting the dome with his bone] What ruthless madmen could have done this to us?!
Russ Cargill: The United States Government. [appears on a holographic screen on the side of the dome] My name is Russ Cargill. I'm head of the EPA.
[Everyone murmurs in confusion]
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: The Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen! Springfield has become...
Random Springfield Citizen: Woo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty: Drama queen!
Russ Cargill: To prevent your poisons from spreading, the government has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do. I mean, I do own the company that made the dome, but that's beside the point.
Moe: What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!
Russ Cargill: No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots.
Lisa: Wait! We couldn't be more polluted - everyone stopped dumping in the lake.
Russ Cargill: Apparently, someone didn't get the message.
Homer: [to Plopper] Act natural.
Carl: Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!
Russ Cargill: You don't need to worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.
[cuts to a man in his car with a GPS map]
GPS Voice: Coming up on your right... [Springfield is removed from the map] nothing.
Sideshow Mel: [hitting the dome with his bone] What ruthless madmen could have done this to us?!
Russ Cargill: The United States Government. [appears on a holographic screen on the side of the dome] My name is Russ Cargill. I'm head of the EPA.
[Everyone murmurs in confusion]
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: The Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen! Springfield has become...
Random Springfield Citizen: Woo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty: Drama queen!
Russ Cargill: To prevent your poisons from spreading, the government has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do. I mean, I do own the company that made the dome, but that's beside the point.
Moe: What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!
Russ Cargill: No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots.
Lisa: Wait! We couldn't be more polluted - everyone stopped dumping in the lake.
Russ Cargill: Apparently, someone didn't get the message.
Homer: [to Plopper] Act natural.
Carl: Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!
Russ Cargill: You don't need to worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.
[cuts to a man in his car with a GPS map]
GPS Voice: Coming up on your right... [Springfield is removed from the map] nothing.
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[On the front lawn, Homer and Bart are still in their dare contest. Homer is carrying heavy bricks around on his back, while Bart shoots at him with a pellet gun.]
Homer: [yelping] ... Aiyee! ... Aiyee! ... D'oh! ... Oh, why did I... Aiyee! ...suggest this?! ... Ow! ... D'oh! ... D'oooo-ho-hoooh! ...
[Eventually, a timer dings. Homer's dare has ended.]
Homer: [drops the bricks] All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare! I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger, and back... naked.
Bart: How naked?
Homer: Fourth base.
Bart: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you Chicken For Life! Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning, Chicken!" And at your wedding I'll sing [to the tune of Here Comes the Bride] "Bawk, bawk, bawk-bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk--"
[Bart skateboards off in the nude]
Homer: [incredulous] Bawk?!
Homer: [yelping] ... Aiyee! ... Aiyee! ... D'oh! ... Oh, why did I... Aiyee! ...suggest this?! ... Ow! ... D'oh! ... D'oooo-ho-hoooh! ...
[Eventually, a timer dings. Homer's dare has ended.]
Homer: [drops the bricks] All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare! I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger, and back... naked.
Bart: How naked?
Homer: Fourth base.
Bart: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you Chicken For Life! Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning, Chicken!" And at your wedding I'll sing [to the tune of Here Comes the Bride] "Bawk, bawk, bawk-bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk--"
[Bart skateboards off in the nude]
Homer: [incredulous] Bawk?!
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[Homer and Plopper watch Bumblebee Man kiss a mule on TV]
Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡Un burro amoroso! [Translation: "Oh, no! A mule in love!"]
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
Marge: What's going on here?
Homer: Nothing!
Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡Un burro amoroso! [Translation: "Oh, no! A mule in love!"]
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
Marge: What's going on here?
Homer: Nothing!
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[After Grandpa's experience, the family drive home (Grandpa is still wrapped up in the rug)]
Homer: Okay, who wants waffles?
Bart, Lisa and Grandpa: I do, I do, I do--!
Marge: Wait a minute, what about Grampa?
Bart: [ignoring Marge] I want syrup!
Lisa: [also ignoring Marge] I want strawberries!
Marge: Something happened to that man--
Homer: I'll tell you what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it! [kisses Grandpa on the forehead]
Marge: What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it?! Right, Grandpa?
[Pause]
Grandpa: [to Homer] I want bananas on my waffles!
Homer: I rest my case.
[The Simpsons arrive for breakfast]
Marge: I'm not dropping this.
[Marge exits the car. The rest of the family follow after her, except for Grandpa]
Grandpa: Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!
Homer: Oh, right.
[Homer returns, rolls down the window, shuts the door, and leaves again]
Homer: Okay, who wants waffles?
Bart, Lisa and Grandpa: I do, I do, I do--!
Marge: Wait a minute, what about Grampa?
Bart: [ignoring Marge] I want syrup!
Lisa: [also ignoring Marge] I want strawberries!
Marge: Something happened to that man--
Homer: I'll tell you what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it! [kisses Grandpa on the forehead]
Marge: What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it?! Right, Grandpa?
[Pause]
Grandpa: [to Homer] I want bananas on my waffles!
Homer: I rest my case.
[The Simpsons arrive for breakfast]
Marge: I'm not dropping this.
[Marge exits the car. The rest of the family follow after her, except for Grandpa]
Grandpa: Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!
Homer: Oh, right.
[Homer returns, rolls down the window, shuts the door, and leaves again]
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[Watching the police on TV recovering the Pig Crap silo from where he dumped it in Lake Springfield]
Homer: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[On the TV, the crane rotates the silo to reveal 'Return To Homer Simpson (No Reward)']
Marge: Homer! It was you! You single-handedly killed this town!
Homer: I know! It's weird!
Kent Brockman: Just a reminder: this station does not endorse vigilante justice. Unless it gets results. Which it will!
[Homer's photo appears on the screen, with the words "GET HIM!" flashing.]
Marge: You didn't listen to me after I warned you!
Homer: Don't worry. Nobody watches this stupid show. [looks out the window] What's that ominous glow in the distance?
[Homer looks out of the window to see an angry mob consisting of just about everyone in Springfield. They are going in the opposite direction of the Simpson house.]
Homer: Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we live!
[The mob hears him and starts marching towards the Simpson house.]
Homer: D'oh!
Homer: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[On the TV, the crane rotates the silo to reveal 'Return To Homer Simpson (No Reward)']
Marge: Homer! It was you! You single-handedly killed this town!
Homer: I know! It's weird!
Kent Brockman: Just a reminder: this station does not endorse vigilante justice. Unless it gets results. Which it will!
[Homer's photo appears on the screen, with the words "GET HIM!" flashing.]
Marge: You didn't listen to me after I warned you!
Homer: Don't worry. Nobody watches this stupid show. [looks out the window] What's that ominous glow in the distance?
[Homer looks out of the window to see an angry mob consisting of just about everyone in Springfield. They are going in the opposite direction of the Simpson house.]
Homer: Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we live!
[The mob hears him and starts marching towards the Simpson house.]
Homer: D'oh!
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[shuffling through the snow while talking to himself] Must keep going! Must keep going! Oh, I can't, I can't keep going. Yes, you can! No, I can't! Oh, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature. How could you say that?!... Oh what's the point?
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[The Simpsons are watching TV when a commercial comes on. It features a father, a teenage girl, and a little boy.]
TV Announcer [offscreen]: Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
Father [bored]: Well, here we are, kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl [annoyed]: It's so old and boring! I want a new one. NOW!!
Tom Hanks: Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy: Tousle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. [ruffles the boys hair with a touch of magic and chuckles] Now I am pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon. Coming this weekend, it's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City!
Marge: That's where Springfield is!!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying if you're going to pick a government to trust, why not this one?
TV Announcer [offscreen]: Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
Father [bored]: Well, here we are, kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl [annoyed]: It's so old and boring! I want a new one. NOW!!
Tom Hanks: Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy: Tousle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. [ruffles the boys hair with a touch of magic and chuckles] Now I am pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon. Coming this weekend, it's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City!
Marge: That's where Springfield is!!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying if you're going to pick a government to trust, why not this one?
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Ticker: Watch Are You Smarter Than a Celebrity? Wednesdays on FOX. That's right, we even advertise shows during movies now.
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[Homer re-shingles the roof. Bart is up with him.]
Homer: [trying to hammer a nail] Steady... Steady... [Homer pulls the hammer back and stabs himself in the eye] Oww!!!
[Bart laughs at him]
Homer: [pulls hammer from his eye but keeping his hurt eye closed] Why, you little--!! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to laugh... at something... that's funny!!!
Bart: [struggles free] You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer: [bitter] What kind of fun?
Bart: ... How about a dare contest?
Homer: [lightens up and opens his injured eye] That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the TV antenna!
Bart: [does so] Piece of cake.
Homer: [shakes the antennae] Earthquake!
[They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antenna and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter before he can fall off.]
Homer: [shakes the gutter] Aftershock!
[They continue to laugh, until Ned Flanders notices them from his garden.]
Ned: Homer, I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer: Well said, boy!
[They high-five, and then Homer gets out his hammer again, readying another nail for the gutter.]
Homer: Steady... Steady... Steady... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Homer has fallen through the roof. Bart laughs at him again.]
Homer: [trying to hammer a nail] Steady... Steady... [Homer pulls the hammer back and stabs himself in the eye] Oww!!!
[Bart laughs at him]
Homer: [pulls hammer from his eye but keeping his hurt eye closed] Why, you little--!! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to laugh... at something... that's funny!!!
Bart: [struggles free] You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer: [bitter] What kind of fun?
Bart: ... How about a dare contest?
Homer: [lightens up and opens his injured eye] That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the TV antenna!
Bart: [does so] Piece of cake.
Homer: [shakes the antennae] Earthquake!
[They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antenna and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter before he can fall off.]
Homer: [shakes the gutter] Aftershock!
[They continue to laugh, until Ned Flanders notices them from his garden.]
Ned: Homer, I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer: Well said, boy!
[They high-five, and then Homer gets out his hammer again, readying another nail for the gutter.]
Homer: Steady... Steady... Steady... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Homer has fallen through the roof. Bart laughs at him again.]
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[Russ Cargill levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer: So, we meet at last... whoever-you-are.
Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. One is how to cope with defeat; the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried.
Cargill: What treasure?
Bart: The treasure of... Ima Weiner!
Cargill: "I'm a weiner"?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer: Classic!
Cargill: Well, always leave 'em laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun at Homer and is about to fire, when a large rock falls on his head and knocks him out. Maggie reveals herself as the one who whacked him out.]
Homer: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer: So, we meet at last... whoever-you-are.
Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. One is how to cope with defeat; the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried.
Cargill: What treasure?
Bart: The treasure of... Ima Weiner!
Cargill: "I'm a weiner"?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer: Classic!
Cargill: Well, always leave 'em laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun at Homer and is about to fire, when a large rock falls on his head and knocks him out. Maggie reveals herself as the one who whacked him out.]
Homer: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
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Lisa: [talking about the pollution of Lake Springfield while trying to work a faulty scissorlift] Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty: Hell yeah! We need a new one of those things!
Mayor Quimby: All in favor of the new scissorlift say aye.
Entire Town: Aye!
Lisa: No! This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen, so I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.
[Everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: This is why we should hate kids!
Mayor Quimby: This is serious, people! No more dumping in the lake! I hereby declare a state of emergency: CODE BLACK!
[The crowd gasps]
Lenny Leonard: Black?! That's the worst color there is! [to Carl] No offense there, Carl.
Carl: [not even shaken] Nah, I get it all the time.
Krusty: Hell yeah! We need a new one of those things!
Mayor Quimby: All in favor of the new scissorlift say aye.
Entire Town: Aye!
Lisa: No! This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen, so I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.
[Everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: This is why we should hate kids!
Mayor Quimby: This is serious, people! No more dumping in the lake! I hereby declare a state of emergency: CODE BLACK!
[The crowd gasps]
Lenny Leonard: Black?! That's the worst color there is! [to Carl] No offense there, Carl.
Carl: [not even shaken] Nah, I get it all the time.
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Ned: Look at that. You can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine and Kentucky.
Bart: Oh yeah.
Ned: And if you look real close, you can almost -- YAAGH!!
[Ned has seen the multi-eyed squirrel (which grows an extra eye)]
Ned: Well, this certainly seems odd, but ... who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine, intelligent design. [switches to the squirrels multi-eyes point-of-veiw] Good job.
Bart: [continously jabs the squirrels' eyes (every eye he jabs goes black from the squirrels' POV)] Jabbity-jabbity-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Agent: Hey, jab one more eye and its a federal crime!
Bart: Oh yeah.
Ned: And if you look real close, you can almost -- YAAGH!!
[Ned has seen the multi-eyed squirrel (which grows an extra eye)]
Ned: Well, this certainly seems odd, but ... who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine, intelligent design. [switches to the squirrels multi-eyes point-of-veiw] Good job.
Bart: [continously jabs the squirrels' eyes (every eye he jabs goes black from the squirrels' POV)] Jabbity-jabbity-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Agent: Hey, jab one more eye and its a federal crime!