The Simpsons Movie

The Simpsons Movie quotes

86 total quotes (ID: 540)

Multiple Characters

[During Homer's psychological experience]
Medicine Woman: Unless you have an epiphany, you will spend the remainder of your days alone.
Homer: Okay, epiphany, epiphany, epiphany. Ooh! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[Homer gets slapped by the branches of surrounding trees]
Homer: Americans will never embrace soccer?
[Homer gets slapped twice and then lifted up]
Homer: More than two shakes and it's just playing with yourself?
[Homer gets slapped three times, punched in the gut, and kicked in the crotch; the branches then take his body apart, and the pieces (save his eyes and mouth) begin to melt]
Homer: [sadly] Oh, do whatever you want with me. I don't care about myself anymore.
[Suddenly, the pieces return to normal, and Homer's eyes and mouth are stuck back onto his head]
Medicine Woman: [offscreen] Because...?
Homer: [coming to a realisation] Because... other people are just as important as me. In fact, without them, I'm nothing! [a branch urges him to continue] In order to save myself... [smiles] I have to save Springfield! That's it! [pause] Isn't it?
[The branches reassemble him, and clap in applause]

Reverend Lovejoy: Let the Lord's light shine upon you. Feel the spirit. Let it out!
[Grandpa, who has just had the Lord's light shine upon him, suddenly goes into a possessed frenzy.]
Grandpa: HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEEEEEEEN! [pointing at random people] And they're gonna happen to you, and you, and you, [points at Marge] and you! Whoa, Nelly!
[He falls to the floor, whimpering and babbling. Comic Book Guy records him on his cell phone.]
Grandpa: People of Springfield, heed this warning: Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! TRAPPED FOREVER!
[Grandpa walks in a circle on the floor, making turkey-like gobbling noises.]
Lisa: Dad, do something!
Homer: [frantically flicking through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
Grandpa: Beware! Beware! Time is short! Epa! Epa! EEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAA!!! Believe me! BELIEVE ME!
[Homer rolls him up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church.]
Grandpa: [babbles again briefly] Thanks for listening!

[After Grandpa's experience, the family drive home (Grandpa is still wrapped up in the rug)]
Homer: Okay, who wants waffles?
Bart, Lisa and Grandpa: I do, I do, I do--!
Marge: Wait a minute, what about Grampa?
Bart: [ignoring Marge] I want syrup!
Lisa: [also ignoring Marge] I want strawberries!
Marge: Something happened to that man--
Homer: I'll tell you what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it! [kisses Grandpa on the forehead]
Marge: What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it?! Right, Grandpa?
Grandpa: [to Homer] I want bananas on my waffles!
Homer: I rest my case.
[The Simpsons arrive for breakfast]
Marge: I'm not dropping this.
[Marge exits the car. The rest of the family follow after her, except for Grandpa]
Grandpa: Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!
Homer: Oh, right.
[Homer returns, rolls down the window, shuts the door, and leaves again]

[Springfield has gone into anarchy, attacking the dome with anything they find.]
Cargill: [to President Schwarzenegger] Look what they're doing to our dome!
[A television shows people trying to break through the dome. An elephant also charges it, and is knocked out cold as soon as he collides with the dome. The camera zooms in to this point, and shows a small crack forming.]
Cargill: Do you know what that is, sir?
President Schwarzenegger: [a little woried] A crack?
Cargill: That's right, sir! First, let me state the problem: people have gotten out of the dome before, and they're gonna do it again - and when they do, there's gonna be hearings - investigations--
President Schwarzenegger: GOTT IN HIMMEL! I'll have to go back to making family comedies! [looks at a movie poster titled "Diaper Genie" and groans]
Cargill: Don't worry sir, I have a solution for you. In fact, I have five solutions. [lays out 5 files again] You don't even have to read them! You'll have deniability. I'll take care of everything, you know nothing!
President Schwarzenegger: No! I need to know what I'm approving! [reaches for Number 3]
Cargill: True, sir. But then again, knowing things is overrated. Anyone can pick something when they know what it is. It takes real leadership to pick something you're clueless about!
[Another pause]
President Schwarzenegger: Okay, I pick three.
Cargill: Try again.
President Schwarzenegger: One?
Cargill: Go higher.
President Schwarzenegger: Five?
Cargill: Too high.
President Schwarzenegger: Three?
Cargill: You already said three.
President Schwarzenegger: Six?
Cargill: There is no six.
President Schwarzenegger: Two?
Cargill: Double it.
President Schwarzenegger: Four!
Cargill: As you wish, sir.

[The Simpsons are watching TV when a commercial comes on. It features a father, a teenage girl, and a little boy.]
TV Announcer [offscreen]: Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
Father [bored]: Well, here we are, kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl [annoyed]: It's so old and boring! I want a new one. NOW!!
Tom Hanks: Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy: Tousle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. [ruffles the boys hair with a touch of magic and chuckles] Now I am pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon. Coming this weekend, it's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City!
Marge: That's where Springfield is!!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying if you're going to pick a government to trust, why not this one?

[Homer re-shingles the roof. Bart is up with him.]
Homer: [trying to hammer a nail] Steady... Steady... [Homer pulls the hammer back and stabs himself in the eye] Oww!!!
[Bart laughs at him]
Homer: [pulls hammer from his eye but keeping his hurt eye closed] Why, you little--!! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to laugh... at something... that's funny!!!
Bart: [struggles free] You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer: [bitter] What kind of fun?
Bart: ... How about a dare contest?
Homer: [lightens up and opens his injured eye] That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the TV antenna!
Bart: [does so] Piece of cake.
Homer: [shakes the antennae] Earthquake!
[They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antenna and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter before he can fall off.]
Homer: [shakes the gutter] Aftershock!
[They continue to laugh, until Ned Flanders notices them from his garden.]
Ned: Homer, I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer: Well said, boy!
[They high-five, and then Homer gets out his hammer again, readying another nail for the gutter.]
Homer: Steady... Steady... Steady... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Homer has fallen through the roof. Bart laughs at him again.]

[Homer and Plopper watch Bumblebee Man kiss a mule on TV]
Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡Un burro amoroso! [Translation: "Oh, no! A mule in love!"]
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
Marge: What's going on here?
Homer: Nothing!

EPA Soldier: I'm afraid we lost them, sir.
Russ Cargill: Dammit!!!
[Cargill throws his binoculars at the EPA soldier, who cowers in fear. The binoculars bounce back off the dome and hit Cargill in the face.]
Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!

[After the dome is placed over Springfield]
Sideshow Mel: [hitting the dome with his bone] What ruthless madmen could have done this to us?!
Russ Cargill: The United States Government. [appears on a holographic screen on the side of the dome] My name is Russ Cargill. I'm head of the EPA.
[Everyone murmurs in confusion]
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: The Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen! Springfield has become...
Random Springfield Citizen: Woo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty: Drama queen!
Russ Cargill: To prevent your poisons from spreading, the government has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do. I mean, I do own the company that made the dome, but that's beside the point.
Moe: What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!
Russ Cargill: No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots.
Lisa: Wait! We couldn't be more polluted - everyone stopped dumping in the lake.
Russ Cargill: Apparently, someone didn't get the message.
Homer: [to Plopper] Act natural.
Carl: Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!
Russ Cargill: You don't need to worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.
[cuts to a man in his car with a GPS map]
GPS Voice: Coming up on your right... [Springfield is removed from the map] nothing.

[Watching the police on TV recovering the Pig Crap silo from where he dumped it in Lake Springfield]
Homer: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[On the TV, the crane rotates the silo to reveal 'Return To Homer Simpson (No Reward)']
Marge: Homer! It was you! You single-handedly killed this town!
Homer: I know! It's weird!
Kent Brockman: Just a reminder: this station does not endorse vigilante justice. Unless it gets results. Which it will!
[Homer's photo appears on the screen, with the words "GET HIM!" flashing.]
Marge: You didn't listen to me after I warned you!
Homer: Don't worry. Nobody watches this stupid show. [looks out the window] What's that ominous glow in the distance?
[Homer looks out of the window to see an angry mob consisting of just about everyone in Springfield. They are going in the opposite direction of the Simpson house.]
Homer: Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we live!
[The mob hears him and starts marching towards the Simpson house.]
Homer: D'oh!

[On the front lawn, Homer and Bart are still in their dare contest. Homer is carrying heavy bricks around on his back, while Bart shoots at him with a pellet gun.]
Homer: [yelping] ... Aiyee! ... Aiyee! ... D'oh! ... Oh, why did I... Aiyee! ...suggest this?! ... Ow! ... D'oh! ... D'oooo-ho-hoooh! ...
[Eventually, a timer dings. Homer's dare has ended.]
Homer: [drops the bricks] All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare! I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger, and back... naked.
Bart: How naked?
Homer: Fourth base.
Bart: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you Chicken For Life! Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning, Chicken!" And at your wedding I'll sing [to the tune of Here Comes the Bride] "Bawk, bawk, bawk-bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk--"
[Bart skateboards off in the nude]
Homer: [incredulous] Bawk?!

[shuffling through the snow while talking to himself] Must keep going! Must keep going! Oh, I can't, I can't keep going. Yes, you can! No, I can't! Oh, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature. How could you say that?!... Oh what's the point?

Lisa: [talking about the pollution of Lake Springfield while trying to work a faulty scissorlift] Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty: Hell yeah! We need a new one of those things!
Mayor Quimby: All in favor of the new scissorlift say aye.
Entire Town: Aye!
Lisa: No! This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen, so I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.
[Everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: This is why we should hate kids!
Mayor Quimby: This is serious, people! No more dumping in the lake! I hereby declare a state of emergency: CODE BLACK!
[The crowd gasps]
Lenny Leonard: Black?! That's the worst color there is! [to Carl] No offense there, Carl.
Carl: [not even shaken] Nah, I get it all the time.

Chief Wiggum: Come on, Bomb-Disarming Robot, you're our only hope!
Bomb-Disarming Robot: Red wire... blue wire... black is usually the ground... ehh... so much pressure... PRESSURE!!!! [grabs Wiggum's pistol and shoots himself in the head]
Wiggum: He'd been talking about it, but I never took him seriously!

[Homer is happily eating a Krusty Burger while an angry Bart glares at him for not taking the blame when he should have.]
Homer: Hey, what's with you? [Accidentally spits on Bart]
Bart: [Wipes off spit] You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about a PIG WEARING A HAT!
[He has noticed a pig wearing a chef's hat, sitting on a chair with Krusty the Clown. They are filming a commercial.]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: [holding a sandwich] Hey, hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the Clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico! [laughs, then takes a bite of the sandwich] Mmmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich in disgust, then throws it away]
Krusty: Uggh... Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[A saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror.]
Homer: [horrified] Wha--?!? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[The pig runs across to Homer, looking up at him in desperation. Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field to the song Happy Together, dressed as hippies. He then smiles and picks up the pig.]
Homer: You're coming home with me...