Private Parts

Private Parts quotes

33 total quotes (ID: 961)

Howard Stern
Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton
Other


Howard: Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists.
...
Howard: Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. [Music Plays] Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.
Robin; The only thing on my mind, Gene, was pussy.
Howard: Uh-oh. Pussy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow.
Fred: In any language, pussy.
Howard: All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.
Jackie: Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.
Howard: Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.
Fred: Are we talking about Brett again?
Howard: All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?
Fred: Well, it takes a Dick to know a ****, and that's what I wrote.
Howard: ****-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?
Jackie: Gene, I have ****, and I wrote it big. I have a big ****.
Howard: Uh, I don't think you can say "big ****" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.
Robin: But I just said pussy.
Jackie: Yeah, she just said pussy.
Howard: Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big ****" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
Jackie: So I can't say "big ****," but you can say "big **** coming out of my mouth"?
Howard: That's correct.
Jackie: That sucks.
Fred: Did you just say, "big **** coming out of your mouth sucks"?
Howard: All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.
Robin: Just like the boys, Gene, I've got ****.
Howard: There it is, ****-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your ****.
Jackie: Aw, Gene, don't have...
Howard: All right, there it is. ****, ****, ****. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.


Howard: I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.
Robin: Semen?
Fred: I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.
Robin: And what are you gonna do with it?
Howard: I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.
Robin: You think that'll work?
Howard: I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.
...
Fred: There she blows.
Howard: Oh. Can you believe it?
Robin: You just swallowed.
Howard: I swallowed. Oh, my God.
Fred: Waste not, want not, Robin.
Howard: Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it.

My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. [Helicopter sound effect] Hello? [In Mama's voice] Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. [in his normal voice] Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? [in Mama's voice] First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you.

Caller: I was calling because I have a really big problem.
Howard: What's your problem?
Caller: Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you.
Howard: Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like?
Caller: Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
Howard: I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.
Robin: You know, we have the most beautiful audience.
Howard: We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.
Robin: How are we gonna do that?
Howard: Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?
Caller: I have one of those big sound systems.
Howard: Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up?
Caller: OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up.
Howard: Take your speaker...You got a big speaker?
Caller: Yes, I do.
Howard: Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.
Robin: Howard!
Caller: Do what?
Robin: A woman cannot be aroused in that way.
Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.
Caller: I can't believe you're really making me to do this.
Howard: Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me.
Caller: I'm on.
Robin: Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?
Howard: Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex?
Caller: [Giggling] Oh, my God.
Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Caller: Ooh!
Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Caller: Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles.
Howard: See? It tingles. She likes it.
Robin: Yeah, sure.
Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Caller: Ohh! Oh...
Robin: She's full of it.
Caller: Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
Howard: Listen to her. She's going wild.
Robin: You got me moaning.
Howard: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Caller: Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh!
Howard: [laughs] This is the best sex I ever had.

[while playing country music] Howdy, cowpokes. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I got to tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it. Explain it to me. And maybe it's 'cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...I don't think I'm the man for this job. So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. I... I think I quit.

Kenny: You goddamn mother****ers. You ****ing waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I ****ing worked my ****ing ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as **** are not gonna ****ing blow it for me!
Howard: I was just doing character...
Kenny: Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please.
Barry: Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions."
Jerry: Also, no use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are ****, mother****er, ****, shit, ****, ****, and pussy.
Kenny: Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard.

Howard: Irene...the weather girl. Irene, are you there?
Irene: It's cold, real cold, but your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. Tongue. What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?
Howard: Yeah. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.
Irene: Shut up.
Howard: We hope to hear from you tomorrow...Give us some more weather.
Irene: Bite me, you loser.

Howard: Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua.
Alison: [taking off her clothes] Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating.
Howard: I'm in the middle of important show research.
Alison: Howard, seriously, come on.
Howard: You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this.
Alison: You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one.
Howard: Is that so?
Alison: Yeah! Strip!
Howard: Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced.
Alison: Oh, yeah. Please.
Howard: Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that?
Alison: You like this?
Howard: OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.
Alison: Thank you.
Howard: Hold on. [pulls pants down and hops towards her]
Alison: OK. Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before and now I do.

Alison: How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? You're an asshole!
Howard: What are you talking about? Alison, I love you. What are you talking about?
Alison: Howard, not everything is for your audience. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.
Howard: I'm on the air 6 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. I hate going out.
Alison: Too bad!
Howard: I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.
Alison: Howard...
Howard: Come on, last night we were laughing about this. I just assumed you thought it was funny.
Alison: It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us.
Howard: Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...
Alison: Shut up. Shut up.
Howard: The audience isn't gonna be there.
Alison: Shut up! Shut up!
Howard: I won't make any money.
Alison: Shut up! You disgust me! I can't even look at you, idiot!

Stuttering John: Wait! Wait! Is that it? What, the movie's over? Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. I've been getting up at 4:00 every morning to work for Howard. I've been pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his friggin' potato! I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? I get ****ing nothing! That's what I get! I'm not even in this ****ing movie! He's says I'll be in the sequel! Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!

You know, I could get this girl. I know I could get her. And this is the hell that's my life. I mean, think about it. What would it be like to have sex with her? It would be amazing. But I'm not going to act on it. You know why? Because I'd be a schmuck. No, because I love Alison. She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know? You gotta respect that. I think you have to respect that. You have to respect that.

I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, who I love so much, more than anything in the whole world, I am begging you, please...send a hit man to the United States of America to kill Pig Vomit finally. Thank you. I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.

Researcher: The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes a day. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.
Kenny: How could this be?
Researcher: Answer most commonly given: "I want to see what he'll say next."
Kenny: : All right, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?
Researcher: Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.
Kenny: : But... if they hate him, why do they listen?
Researcher: Most common answer: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Howard: Robin, watch this. What am I doing?
Robin: Uh, having a seizure?
Howard: No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.
Robin: Oh!
Howard: Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid.
Robin: Oh.
Howard: In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.
Robin: Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
Howard: My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.

Howard: I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me.
Kenny: You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character.
Howard: Yeah, well, I don't do character...
Kenny: How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good.